Chief Wiggum quotes from The Simpsons

Chief Wiggum

Jump! Who said that?

Bart

I hate Bart Simpson!

You stink, LaBoot!

Dammit!

Lou

Uh, Chief, looks like we got a 64-G in progress.

Chief Wiggum

[Chews his doughnut once slowly.]

Lou

Armed robbery with a gun.

Chief Wiggum

[Stares cluelessly.]

Lou

[Sighs.] [Draws stick figures of a bank robbery.] Come on, Chief, you know this.

Chief Wiggum

Oh, a shooty-stealy.

Chief Wiggum

[to Homer] What's goin' on here, Simpson? Am I gonna need the zip strips?

Marge

Everything's fine, cupcakes and sprinkles.

Chief Wiggum

Oh, really? Then how did you get that? [Points to Marge's black-eye. Speaks to Homer:] What gives, Simpson? Givin' your wife an Irish kiss?

Homer

[off-screen] No, I swear!

Marge

It was my fault, I..... I walked into a door.

Chief Wiggum

Walked into a door? That is the lamest excuse I've ever... [Accidentally smacks into the door on his way out.] All right, door. You're comin' downtown. [Cuffs himself to the door.]

Kent Brockman

So Chief, what's your final word on the Prince boy?

Chief Wiggum

Hmm? Oh, dead. Definitely dead.

Lou

Uh, Chief, aren't we supposed to, uh, notify the family first?

Chief Wiggum

What do you think I'm doing right now? [Smiles at the camera.]

Marge

It's all my fault. I should never have listened to those KISS albums when I was pregnant.

Chief Wiggum

[to Marge] Marge, with all due respect, that's ridiculous. My Sarah listened to Mozart and Churchill speeches when she was pregnant with Ralphie, and he can't even open a refrigerator.

Chief Wiggum

I've got everything I need to convict your boy, except for motive, means, and opportunity.

Lou

You also have no evidence.

Chief Wiggum

That's implied.

[Bart hits a street light] Blam! Blam! Blam, Blam! Hey, you missed one! [stops with his skateboard]

Bart

Nope, can’t do it, my grandpa lives there.

Chief Wiggum

Stop! Stop right there! [while holding his flashlight after getting out of the car] Ah, looks like we finally put an end to this Light-mare on Elm Street. Hahaha.

Actually, it’s Maple Street, Chief.

Chief Wiggum

[turns off his flashlight] Thank you, Joke Police.

[while holding his skateboard] Please don’t arrest me! It’s a victim-less crime!

Chief Wiggum

Uh... You heard me whistling there, right? That indicates innocence.

Lou

Uh.. Proclaiming your innocence indicates guilt.

Chief Wiggum

Uh, yeah? Well, what does that mean? Skiddily bop and bah!

Chief Wiggum

Simpson, are you here unsupervised?

Bart

Yeah, and so what?

Chief Wiggum

I'd lose the attitude, "Sylvester Stallone"! [Lou chuckles] Finally, a laugh out of Lou! Son, kids aren't allowed on their own anymore, now who said you could come here?

Bart

My mom.

Chief Wiggum

Ugh. Always the mom.

Lou

Uh... Looks like we better file a report with the Bureau of Missing Statues.

Chief Wiggum

Yeah. Be like that time that Rodin statue got stolen. What was the name of the statue again? Eh, ah, let me think. [sits on the statue's base imitating The Thinker] Um... thinking. Yeah... Still thinking. Still thinking...

Lou

Hey, Chief, aren't you going to pull him over?

Chief Wiggum

Really? In this dodge charger with 260,000 miles, with a catalytic converter that's being stolen as we speak.

Gotcha!

Chief Wiggum

Simpson, we are finally sending you to juvie and throwing away the keys, is what I would say if I wasn't about to start a whole new chapter in my life. [Bart groans] I'm joining the Chicago P.D. I'm gonna lead the ADU.

Lou

The All-Decapitations Unit?

Chief Wiggum

Yeah, there won't be a lot of laughs. I think it’s a drama. One thing's for sure though, I'm going to miss this pla-

Bart

ENOUGH WITH THE STUPID LIGHT SWITCH!!

Marge

Come on, sweetie. It's time for you to go home.