Nelson Muntz quotes from The Simpsons

[pointing to the bats at the zoo] Haw haw! You're nocturnal!

Marge

You don't have to impress me by making fun of others. I already like you.

Haw haw! I'm starting to let down my guard. Haw haw!

Marge

Nelson, how'd you like to earn some extra money around the house? I have some odd jobs my kids won't do.

Yeah, I get the feeling Bart isn't everything he could be in the son department.

Marge

Oh. Sometimes I think he's more interested in his "Itchy and Mitchy" cartoons than me.

Hey, I'm sure it's just a phase, like when I used to stand on the overpass and drop computers on the highway.

Marge

That's how we got our Kaypro.

Bart

There's more than one way to lose a tooth! [to Nelson] Hey, idiot! You're fat! And your mom is naked on the Internet! You also smell.

Hmm. You've given me a lot to think about.

Bart

Well, Homer, looks like I can't go to discipline camp. Which is too bad, 'cause I think this was the thing that would finally straighten me out.

Homer

[angrily grabs Bart by his shirt] Oh, yeah? You're going to that camp 'cause I'm going to drive you there.

Bart

Yeah, that will be way more fun than Vegas.

Homer

D'OHHHHHHHHH!

Carl

Oh, dang, Homer ain't coming.

[offscreen] Haw, haw!

Carl

And Nelson saw something funny!

[in response to Lisa's revelation of Mr. Teeny being Toot-Toot's son] But Krusty said Mr. Teeny was born in Funny Town.

Lisa

Nelson, Funny Town doesn't exist.

Nooo! I was gonna live at Cuckoo Corners!

Ow!

Lisa

[giggles]

Martin

Pardon my birdie, I misjudged the privellian winds.

YOU EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF LISA!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Lisa

Milhouse, what's gotten into you?

Over the years a lotta people have hurted me! Good thing I kept this list. [Shows Lisa a list of people have wronged him and then chuckles evilly]

Lisa

No, no, you already got your revenge!

You wouldn't give me Chinese Cuts in the lunch line! [Inflicts Wendell a Wedgie] You laughed when I threw up in the Glass blowing tour! [Inflicts Lewis a Wedgie] Girls like you better! [Inflicts Richard a Stop Hitting Yourself] Your parents are married! [Inflicts the rest of the kids a Stop Hitting Yourself, Wedgie and Wet Willie]

Bart

Ay, caramba! [Back at the present] That's the only line I get in your stupid story?

Lisa

There are no small parts, just small actors.

[Back at the story, Milhouse keeps inflicting punishments on his enemies]

This is my first day at this school! I haven't done anything to you!

You will! This is prevenge! [Inflicts Freshman Facial on the kid an falls on his face in a mud puddle, then Groundskeeper Willie walks by and sees the kid and Milhouse]

Willie

Well, look, it's Milhouse! What's the power glove for? Opening the cap on his weirdo pills? [Milhouse inflicts Ultimate Noogie on Willie which severes his head off, though he's still alive]

Principal Skinner

[walks by] Willie, clean up this mess!

Willie

Alright! [Starts licking his blood]

Lisa

Milhouse, don't you see? You're addicted to revenge!

You'll learn to love it when you're my queen!

Lisa

I see. [Chuckles nervously] While it would be an honor to be your queen...

Go on.

Lisa

I feel it would be best if we just stay as friends.

NOBODY SPARES MY FEELINGS!! [Gets ready to shoot Lisa but starts to decide not to]

I can't do it, I can't hurt you Lisa! [Throws the glove away but then Nelson picks it up]

Ha Ha! You forgot about me 'Cuz I had the mumps! [Inflicts all the glove's options at Milhouse]

Principal Skinner

At the end of the month we're be participating in the Vice President's Assessment Test.

He stinks!

Principal Skinner

We're assessing you, not him.

Withdrawn.

Nelson, now that the bans have been lifted, let me touch your face. That way, I can see you with my fingers. [touches Nelson's face] Eww! I said your face, not your butt!

Aw, you feel comfortable enough to mock me. [punches him] That's for mocking me!

Nelson... your punch restored my vision! I can see again!

Really?! Kevin, that's wonderf--

Haw haw!

The student has become the master!

Bart

Fine, you can be our coach.

Lisa

Thanks. You can be the free safety.

Bart

Wrong sport.

Lisa

I mean, the point guard.

Bart

Also wrong.

Lisa

I'm gonna do a little research.

Bart

A little is not gonna be enough, honey pie.

Lisa

Don't call me "honey pie".

Bart

You got it, tootsie pop.

Lisa

[grunts]

Get a room, you two.

Lisa

We're brother and sister.

So are my parents, I think.

Homer

[Sighs as he looks at his late wife, Edna Krabappel and wearing a black armband] Sure do miss that laugh.

Ha-ha! I miss her too.

Skinner

So from now on, our cafeteria will only serve delicious Stuffwich's heroes, hoagies, and torpedoes.

What about po' boys?

Skinner

Sorry, Nelson. Poor boys, such as yourself, will go hungry.

Lisa

And those are some nice upgrades.

Bart

Expensive upgrades!

Lisa

Upgrades like that costs gems, and gems cost cash.

Bart

Expensive cash!

Lisa

Where did you get the cash, Nelson?

I don't use gems! I'm a grinder. A grinder!

Bart

Oh my treehouse sucks.

Haw-Haw! You have class envy!

Nelson, honey, I told you to stop sayin' "haw-haw".

Give me a dollar and I'll stop.

I don't got a dollar!

Haw-Haw!

Maude Flanders says hello.

Homer

[cheerfully] Hello!

Let's move! [they leave]

Thank you, Bart. I'm finally at peace. [starts to float away]

Bart

You know Ned remarried?

He WHAT?!

Bart had Skittles with milk for breakfast.

I told him he couldn't handle the rainbow.