Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Lisa

Well, I guess we've learned that of all the countless planets in the universe, we have evolved into the most inedible species. Like three bean salad at a barbecue, we will remain untouched.

Lisa

They revamped this ride because of massive complaints from two people.

Lisa

For a man who likes electric cars, he sure burns a lot of rocket fuel.

Lisa

Mr. Gunderson, they don't let saxophones in the ICU, so I'll just tell you the song I wrote for you. B flat, C, D flat, B flat, B, Long E ...

Lisa

Lousy nobles. We serfs are starving, while they're feasting and jousting and posing for tapestries, where they're friends with a unicorn. As if any unicorn would like them. Unicorns like nice people. I'm a nice person.

Lisa

Maggie, you can whistle? [she gasps surprisingly at Maggie's talent.] you're gifted too, maybe more gifted!

Lisa

What you're about to see is so disgusting, you'll watch Game of Thrones to calm down. You have been warned!

Lisa

Why do you always wreck the stuff I care about? Big brothers are supposed to be helpful and a little nice. I wish I could un-brother you.

Lisa

Fine. [Grabs her tiny scissors on the floor] By the power of safety scissors, I hereby sever the sibling bond. [Cuts the sibling bond between her and Bart] Snip.

Lisa

I'll sleep when I'm nine.

Homer

Who's the lard butt?

Lisa

He's the bullfighter.

Bart

No way a bull's gonna miss a target that big, man.

Bart

Dad, I got to tell you something, hope you won't be too mad.

Homer

What is it, son?

Bart

I'm not a genius, dad.

Homer

What?

Bart

I cheated on the intelligent test. I'm sorry. But I just wanna say that the past few weeks have been great! Me and you've done stuff together, you've helped me out with things, we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, dad, and I think if something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad.

Homer

[pauses; turns red in anger] Why you little...! [chases his son angrily]

Bart

Uh-oh! [runs screaming]

Marge

What's going on out there?

Lisa

I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.

Marge

Oh, well.

Homer

[pounding on the door] You can't stay in there forever!

Bart

[locks the door] I can try!

Homer

[pounding] March your butt right out here! Now!

Bart

[hops on his bed] No way, man!

Homer

[continues pounding] Bart! I-! [stops himself with a crafty smile] Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better.

Bart

[sits on his bed, reading comic books and drinking soda] You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that?! I'm insulted!

[to Homer] Well, if you had been paying attention, perhaps you would have noticed that your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure, an ogre, if you will.

Marge

Now, Doctor, that's not true.

Lisa

Ogre is such a strong word.

Bart

Right on, Doc! Another successful diagnosis.

Homer

That does it!

Whoa! [takes the lamp from Homer with a chuckle] Okay, you want to kill each other. That's good. That's healthy.

Homer

Lisa! What did I tell ya about playing that saxamah-thing in the house?!

Lisa

I was just playing the blues...Dad. [sobs]

Homer

[now feeling sorry] Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Go ahead, play your blues if it'll make you happy.

Lisa

No, that's okay, Dad. [sniff] I'll just work on my fingering, unless my fingers clacking on the keys is too loud for you.

Homer

Let's hear it. [Lisa starts clacking for a while] You just clack as loud as you want, Lis.

Homer

Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm late for work! [lifts Maggie and looks underneath]

Marge

Oh, Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.

Bart

Did you check the den?

Homer

The den! Great idea! [heads into the den with Bart following him and he begins to pull couch apart]

Bart

Warm. No, cold. Colder. Ice cold.

Homer

You know where my keys are?

Bart

No, I'm talking about your breakfast. [laughs]

Homer

GRRRRH!!!

Bart

Did you check the rumpus room?

Homer

Rumpus room? Great idea! [runs to front door] Huh?

Lisa

Oh, Dad? [points. The keys are still in the door lock]

Homer

D'oh!