Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm late for work! [lifts Maggie and looks underneath]
MargeOh, Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.
The den! Great idea! [heads into the den with Bart following him and he begins to pull couch apart]
Warm. No, cold. Colder. Ice cold.
You know where my keys are?
No, I'm talking about your breakfast. [laughs]
Did you check the rumpus room?
Rumpus room? Great idea! [runs to front door] Huh?
Oh, Dad? [points. The keys are still in the door lock]
JJacques
It is nice to meet you... [looks at name on Marge's bowling ball] Homer.
Marge
Oh, no, no..."Homer" is my...ball's name. I'm Marge.
JJacques
[chuckles to himself] Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They're far too tapered for the ball you are using. You need something lighter. More delicate. Here. Use my ball.
Marge
Hmm...No, no, thank you, Mister - um - [looks at Jacques' ball] Brunswick.
JJacques
Call me Jacques.
Marge
Jacques.
Marge
Hmm...I'll just use my ball.
JJacques
As you wish. Many people have senseless attachments to heavy, clumsy things, such as this "Homer" of yours.
JJacques
Marge, Darling, I...I want to see you tomorrow. Not at Barney's Bowl-a-Rama. Away from the thunderous folly of clattering pins. Meet me tomorrow for brunch!
Marge
What's brunch?
JJacques
You'll love it. It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch. But it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end! You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal!
[weighs himself again after six months] OH, NO! 239 lbs?!? I'm a whale! Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats? [more serious] Well from now on, exercise every morning, Homer! [stretches in front of the bathroom mirror]
Marge
[enters] Ohhh...Don't strain yourself, dear.
[as Bart takes a picture of him in the bathroom] Bart! What are you doing?
Sorry, Dad. The answer to that is a top secret.
[Bart takes a picture of Marge shaving her armpits next]
Marge
Oh, Bart.
Marge
Go take some wildlife pictures.
[he does, and takes a picture of a roadkill squirrel]
[Homer gets out of his car, whistling, arrives home, Marge furiously opens a door, Homer gasps]
Marge
[holding up a picture of Homer and Princess Kashmir] What is the meaning of this?!
Meaningless, Marge. Don't even attempt to find meaning in it. There's nothing between me and Princess Kashmir.
Marge
Princess who?!
[walks by] Hey, my photo!
HMHomer and Marge
Your photo?!
Why you little- [about to choke Bart]
Marge
Why you big- [chokes Homer] Bart, go to your room!
Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-
Marge
Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now.
What are you saying, honey? But where will I sleep?
Marge
My suggestion...is for you to sleep in the filth you created!
Would a motel be okay? [Marge slams the door in Homer's face. Sadly, he walks away from his house and heads for his car. Marge opens the house door] Oh, I knew you'd come to your-
Marge
[throws a suitcase at Homer] Here. If you have any soul left, you'll need these. I know I will. [closes the door as she goes back inside]
[Homer sitting in tears in the front of his house]
[Principal Skinner offers a solution to Bart's problems at school]
Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it behooves us all to consider deportation.
Marge
Deportation?! You mean kick Bart out of the country?!
[Marge picks up the phone]
[on the phone] Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!
Marge
[hangs up] Goodness, must be a crossed wire.
[Marge dials the babysitting service. At the Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service, there are three older women, including Ms. Botz]
RReceptionist
Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service.
Marge
This is Marge Simpson. I'd like a babysitter for the evening.
RReceptionist
Wait a minute. The Simpsons? [looks over at a bulletin board with Bart, Lisa and Maggie's faces on it, warning their employees not to babysit them due to their countless misbehavior] Lady, you've got to be kidding! [slams the phone, continues writing, phone rings seconds later] Rubber Baby Buggie Bumper Babysitting Service.
Hello, this is Mr. S...Sampson.
RReceptionist
[sensing something fishy] Did your wife just call a second ago?
No, I said Sampson, not Simpson.
RReceptionist
[visibly relieved] Thank God! Those Simpsons, what a bunch of savages! Especially that big ape father!
[angrily] D'oh! [trying to keep calm] Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours and we found them to be a quite misunderstood and underrated family.
Marge
I'm not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars.
Don't be so stubborn! We're not talking about a few dollars, [he's suddenly lifted up] we're talking about a few thousand dollars! [realizes this and freaks out screaming as he hits the ceiling backwards] It's got great high ceilings! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Uh, tell you what. [gets up] Let's sleep on it, okay?
Marge
Mmmm...Okay. Whatever happens...
[Marge groans]
Marge: [Marge sees Homer, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie fighting each other, and she gasps.] What is going on out here? Homer, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, stop it!
Hey, Dad, look! You're on Jumbo Vision!
WOW! [stands, waving to crowds] Hey, everybody! [Bart does 2 fingers behind Homer's head] How ya doin'? [blocks Bart's face] Look at me! I'm Homer Simpson! [laughs]
[Jumbo Vision lowers down to Homer's pants, audience laughs hysterically at Homer's unzipped zipper]
Marge
Homer. Homer! XYZ.
Examine my zipper? Why? [looks down] Whoops! [turns quickly, zips pants up, Lisa covers her eyes in embarrassment, Homer laughs, waving arm at screen] Thanks, everybody!
[Crowd applauds]
[begins writing a letter] "Dear neighbor..."
[Later, Ned walks up to the Simpsons house, and was about to slide the envelope under the front door]
[from behind] FLANDERS!!!
[startled] Gah! Oh, hey. Sorry, Homer. I just wanted to give you this letter. I'll leave now.
[opens the letter Ned handed him and starts reading it] "Dear neighbor..." [starts snickering. Cut to the next morning. he, Bart, Lisa, and Marge are seated around the breakfast table in the kitchen, and he's is reading Ned's letter out loud] "You are my brother." [laughs, Bart and Lisa snicker] "I love you." [he, Bart, and Lisa all laugh out loud, while Marge frowns disapprovingly] "And yet, I feel a great sadness..." [snickers] "...in my bosom." [he, Bart, and Lisa laugh even harder] "Bosom..." Wait, wait, there's more! [continues laughing]
Marge
[stands up] I think that's terrible! A man opens his heart, and you make fun of him! [exits the room and quietly snickers to herself, then walks back in just as Homer continues reading the letter]
"Neighbors forever," Oh no! [he and Bart laugh] "Ned Flanders." [he, Bart, and Lisa laugh]
[slapping the table] What a sap!
[wiping away a tear] Read the bosom part again, dad![Homer, Bart, and Lisa laugh]
Marge
Now, just a minute!
"Bosom." [he, Homer, and Lisa laugh]
[After Bart deliberately burns her centerpiece, Lisa runs upstairs to her room, crying]
[sets Bart down; very stern and serious] Alright, Bart, that's it! Go to your room, now!
Okay, I'll take some white meat and stuffing to go, and send up the pumpkin pie in about 20 minutes.
[losing patience] I said NOW!
Marge
[angrily confronts Bart] Yes, you do! I hope you're happy, Bart! You've RUINED Thanksgiving!
[After comforting Lisa, Marge goes to Bart's room]
Marge
[sternly] Bart, you can to come down to dinner as soon as you're ready to apologize to your sister, and it's going to be a real apology in front of everybody, and you have to mean it.
[kicking his toy car he was playing with] Apologize?! For what?! Clearing the table?! Having a sense of humor?! They think they can starve an apology out of me? Ha! [furiously climbs out of the window, angrily jumps down from a tree and lividly lands on some daisies] Uh-oh. I mean...good! [violently jumps up and down on the daisies in anger]
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
