Marge Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

[pushing a turtle with a broom] Shoo! Shoo now!

Just pick them up!

Marge

Eh... They feel weird.

Marge

Eh, what's the penalty for... driving a tractor drunk through a... renaissance fair?

Patty

Can't help you! I might be having a stroke! I have to consult a competent medical professional! [types on a medicine website "Have I had a stroke?"] Hmm... Got that, got that... m-Hmm... Who doesn't have that? [groans] Is anyone here to get an ambulance license?

Comic Book Guy

That'll be mine!

Patty

Here you go! [gives him a license]

Comic Book Guy

I lied! [runs away]

Bart

Now, put your good clothes on.

Marge

I'm already in a dress and pearls, and I'm 8 years old.

Homer

Marge, do you know how it feels when you have a man to provide you everything you need?

Marge

I have thought a lot about that, and I have to say... no.

Marge

Are you sure you set it up right?

Bart

Yes!

Marge

Then why aren't we skyping?

Bart

I don't know, maybe Lisa's drugged-out.

Marge

My daughter is not drugged-out!

Bart

Maybe she's just sleeping late after partying at discoteques.

Marge

How do you know about all-night discoteques?

Bart

We have Disco Stu in this town, Mom. He's a resource. Use him!! [Skype tone plays]

Lisa

Mom! Dad! I've discovered the most amazing thing, I can't wait... hum... Where's Bart?

Marge

He's safe.

Homer

And more importantly: We're safe.

Marge

[sobs] I miss him so much! [combs Santa's Little Helper's fur like Bart's hair]

Lisa

Hmm... Can I call him?

Homer

You can call his guard, Tico. He picks up sometimes.

Lisa

I see... Okay... I'll do that. [leaves]

Marge

Homie, where did we go wrong?

Homer

I don't know, sweetie. I don't know. We did everything we could for him during the commercials.

Lisa

NOOOO!! No, no, no, nooooo!!!

Bart

What happened? Did jazz die?

Lisa

[enters Homer and Marge's bedroom] Look at me!! [the camera turns around, revealing her face with acne]

Marge

Acne!? But she's only eight!

Lisa

[worried] Somehow I'm becoming the Squeaky-Voiced Teen! [with a squeaky voice] Do you want fries with that? [back to her normal voice] What am I saying!?

Bart

I, too, was visited by the Ghost of Puberty Present. I've got a starter 'stache! Next, I'm a loser, then I'm a creep, then I'm a perv! I've got to buy a van.

Lisa

[cries] This isn't fair, I'm not ready for my awkward years. This is my happy childhood, for crying out loud!!

Marge

Oh, Apu, it's good to see you doing so well. I know you can't turn your head, but you've got a great view. Oh! Are you okay?

Homer

Marge, he's got nine lives.

I am a Hindu, sir, not a cat. I have infinite lives during some of which I may be a cat. In those I do have nine.

Marge

Oh, this tile is lose! I'll have to call a handy man.

Homer

Eh... Why did you say it like that, with the pause between the words? Are you saying I'm not handy?!

Marge

That's how you say it. Handy man.

Homer

It's handyman!

Marge

That's what I said! handy [pause] man.

Homer

[angrily] Marjorie, there is the profession: handyman, and there are men who are handy! Which are you saying I'm not? Tell me...

Marge

A handy [pause] man. [Homer exclaims angrily]

Bart

Face it, Homeboy, you ain't handy! Unless we need a big fat paperweight.

Homer

I'll paperweight you!! [sits on Bart]

Marge

Homie, sweetie, replacing a tile is something you really need a professional for.

Homer

I know how to replace a tile! All guys do! We talk about it all the time. Grout?

Marge

There's no stopping what I've started here. Here's your tile! [puts the tile on Homer's plate] Have fun! Handy [pause] man! [leaves]

Homer

Wow, an indoor water park! Hopefully, this will put the final nail in the coffin of lakes and rivers.

Marge

Well, as a mother, I...

Homer

We all know you're a mother.

Marge

As a mother, I like that wherever I look, I can see a lifeguard.

Lisa

Mom, I've been working on a new solo jazz piece.

Marge

[groans] Can I hear it? [Lisa starts playing her jazz solo]

Homer

Oh, I'd love to stay and listen, but I'm late for work! [leaves and comes back with Snowball V] Here's another super-fan to hear you lay down your licks! [leaves, comes back, puts glasses and a beret on Snowball V and leaves again]

Homer

[To Maggie who had her hair cut like Bart's] Why you little!

Bart

Dad, no! You're gonna strangle a baby!

Homer

[gasps] Oh my God. That would've been horrible! [to Bart] Why you little! [strangles him] Turning a sweet little baby into a you! [sits beside him] Bart, you're a great kid, but if I had another one like you, I'd hang myself from a highway overpass! Please, give your sister the precious gift of not being you.

Bart

Okay Dad. Mags, it was fun while it lasted. [puts her hair back to normal]

Homer

Huh? Ha! I didn't know it was that easy. [makes Bart's hair look like Maggie's]

Bart

Stop that! [makes his hair like Sideshow Bob's]

Homer

Aah! Sideshow Bob!

Marge

Homer, you have to do more!

Homer

Ook?!

Marge

I'm getting tired of your "Ooks". I can't do this alone. Where's your chore list?

Homer

Oh, I'm taking care of that! It's laminated. And to make sure I do it... [shows Marge a doodle of her on the back of the chore list] Hmm?

Homer

Well, if it isn't my favorite gal in my favorite room!

Marge

I'm glad you had a good day.

Homer

You don't sound glad.

Marge

I'm not glad.

Homer

But you said you were glad!

Marge

You need to read between the lines.

Homer

Why? There's just white space there.

Marge

[crying] I'm sorry, Homie. Your life is full of fun surprises. My life sucks!

Homer

[thinking] Uh-oh. Tissues. [Marge lays down on the bed] W... would it help if I rubbed your back? Huh? Eh? Uh...

Marge

Your hands smell like steering wheel.

Marge

Do you want to practice your speech on me?

Homer

[chuckles] No need, honey! Same speech I give every year. The opening joke about Lenny's grandma always kills.

Marge

You can't joke about her. They just put her on life support.

Homer

What?! No! She's the linchpin!

Marge

It's okay, it's okay. Everyone is terrified of public speaking. But just in case, I'll defrost a failure ham.

Homer

You don't have faith in me! I have savers! If I get heckled, I'll say, "Get a half-life!".

Marge

I'm sure that'll be funny to them.

Marge

Ooh. Throwing away your "No Girls" sign? Is it time for you to have "the talk" with your dad? Because he's gonna have to read a few things first.

Bart

No! I'm tearing it down. Ralph has a cool treehouse, and mine sucks.

Marge

Well, Bart, your father built it, and he did the very best he could.

Homer

I did my job. Now it's your turn, tree! Get growing!