A character in The Simpsons
Played by Julie Kavner
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in The Simpsons: in 677 of its 3,477 quotes
Most scenes with: Homer Simpson (400), Bart Simpson (206), Lisa Simpson (169)
[Homer and Bart try to unstick a drawer in the living room stand with a firework]
MargeHomer, what are you doing?
Listen, do you want the job done right, or do you want it done fast?
MargeWell, like all Americans, fast, but--
[lights the fuse] Clear!
[The firework explodes, knocking the drawer out and leaving blast marks, and Marge finds that she CAN slide it easily now]
MargeYou can't argue with results!
MargeSo, Mr. King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now?
Oh, I don't feel like writing horror right now.
MargeOh, that's too bad.
I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He's a fascinating man. He discovered electricity, [menacingly, as dark clouds gather] and used it to torture small animals and green mountain men! And that key he tied to the end of a kite? [thunderclap] IT OPENED THE GATES OF HELL!
MargeWell, let me know when you get back to horror.
[cheerfully] Will do! [Writes a note: Call Marge, Re: horror]
MargeLook, Maggie, Christopher Walken's reading "Goodnight Moon".
"Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon." [children listening slowly back away terrified] Please, children, scootch closer. Don't make me tell you again about the scootching. You in the red, chop-chop.
Dear Lord, bless this humble meal, and do you hear about Krusty? Whoo, man! I knew he was a player but, jeez, a kid!
MargeHomer, that's not a prayer, that's gossip.
Fine, I'll discuss heavenly matters. [to God] So how's Maude Flanders doing up there? Is she playing the field? Oh, yeah, really? All those guys? [family stares at him in shock] Amen. [starts eating]
MargeOh no! My baby's up there!
It's okay, Mom! [holds up rope] I have a safety line!
[to Jesse] This is your fault, with your non-threatening Bobby-Sherman-style good looks! No girl could resist your charms!
This was her choice, Mr. Simpson.
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was lost in your eyes.
Mom, Dad, there's something I have to do. You're not gonna like it, but I really believe it's the right thing. [leaves]
Marge, she's gonna narc on our stash!
MargeWe don't have a stash.
[shifty eyes] No, of... course not.
MargeWhen did we become the bottom rung of society?
I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos.
Roads closed, pipes frozen, albinos...virtually invisible. The Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from "Winter Wonderland" to a "Class 3 Kill-Storm"!
MargeI don't like the sound of that "class 3".
And where are the city's snowplows? Sold off to billionaire Montgomery Burns in a veritable orgasm of poor planning. [At the Burn's mansion, Burns and Smithers are playing volleyball with the snowplows. Burns hits a very large volleyball into a very large net]
He shoots, he scores!
[laughs] Perfect form sir.
MargeHomer this is horrible! How will the kids get home?
I dunno. Internet?
[Marge is reassuring Lisa about the missing crayon]
MargeSweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
[crashes through the window] Who wants lottery tickets?
MargeOkay, it's in his brain.
Uh, which way's Mecca, I need to pray.
Marge[confused] Mecca? Uh...
[chuckles] I'm just kidding. I'm Jewish.
So how was it in the slammer?
MargeTerrific. Bart, Sideshow Bob says he'll be seeing you real soon.
[Chuckles] That Bob.
MargeI think it's good for a show to retire before it gets old and stale.
[walks in tired] Maggie shot Mr. Burns again!
[the family stares blankly at Smithers]
MargeIt's been a whole week. Why are you letting my husband die? What does that have to do with baseball?
Death is a natural part of baseball, ma'am.
Oh yeah, the main part.
Guys. Uh, we won't let anything happen to your husband, Mrs Simpson. He's in good hands.
Marge[looking at Homer through a telescope] He's not moving!
[From Marge's POV, we see Homer lying on his back, eyes closed, mouth open. His white shirt is now stained greyed and frayed around the edges, and his pants are being held up by rope. Flies buzz around him.]
He's probably just resting after all the moving he did before you got here. [Aside] Turn on the sprinklers.
[The sprinklers turn on, causing Homer to moan weakly and roll over onto his front]
See? He's fine.
[Marge grumbles in frustration]
'Sulfur jerky'? 'Cream of Toast'? Where do we get this crap?
MargeMostly they were from relatives who couldn't see very well.
Homer wants a brownie. I'm gonna get one.
MargeNo.
Coming in from the left.
MargeStop it. Homer.
Or is it the right? Look out for the reach-around! He shoots, he sc- [Marge accidentally cut his thumb off, he screams] My thumb! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
MargeI'm sorry! I'm so sorry!
Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge!
Homer SimpsonDan Castellaneta · 1,595 quotes
Bart SimpsonNancy Cartwright · 792 quotes
Lisa SimpsonYeardley Smith · 585 quotes
MSMoe Szyslak164 quotes
Mr. BurnsHarry Shearer · 140 quotes
Ned FlandersHarry Shearer · 107 quotes
MVMilhouse Van Houten97 quotes
Krusty the ClownDan Castellaneta · 81 quotes
NMNelson Muntz79 quotes
WSWaylon Smithers73 quotes
Chief WiggumHank Azaria · 72 quotes
Principal SkinnerHarry Shearer · 66 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
