Marge Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

[answering phone] 9-1-1. This'd better be good.

Marge

I just cut off my husband's thumb!

ATTEMPTED MURDER?! YOU'LL BURN FOR THIS! BURN IN JAIL!

Marge

It was an accident!

Yeah, yeah. Save it for "Dateline: Tuesday." Uh, what's your address so I can come arrest you?

Marge

Arrest me? Um, my address, it's um, 1-2-3... Fake Street.

[writing address down] 1-2-3 Fake Street. Okay see you soon!

Marge

That's not my uncle Lou. And this man's not dead.

Moleman

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

That's just gas escaping. [pushes Moleman back into the cabinet]

Bart

Awww, we're all out of milk.

Lisa

[takes wand out] Abraca dairy. [milk appears out of thin air and pours into Bart's cereal]

Marge

[rushes in] Kids, it's 8 o'-clock! You're gonna miss the bus to wizards' school.

Lisa

[points wand at clock] Five minutes more-ious. [clock goes back five minutes]

Marge

[annoyed]: Hmm. That's not good for the clock.

Marge

You found a corpse when you were twelve? No wonder you've been so traumatized.

Homer

It's responsible for everything wrong in my life...my occasional overeating...my fear of corpses!

Lisa

Yeah, I wanted to spend Christmas with you guys.

Homer

So you're back on the winning team?

Lisa

No, I'm still Buddhist, but I can worship with my family too.

Marge

So you're just going to pay lip service to our church?

Lisa

Uh-huh!

Homer

That's all I ever asked.

That's $912.

Marge

Send the bill to Baron von Kiss-a-lot.

No problemo.

This just arrived, Herr Baron. [Baron takes letter, reads it, and lowers it to reveal enormous lips]

Okay, who's der vise guy?

Lisa

[gasps] What happened Dad? They didn't really burn her, did they?

Marge

[hastily grabs the book from Homer] Of course not, honey. "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a space ship. The end."

Marge

Homer, I'm not sure I'm comfortable sleeping with a group of crows in the bedroom in the night.

Homer

It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.

Marge

I'm going to go sleep on the couch tonight.

Marge

What is that billowing down the stairs? [Gasps] It's smoke!

Lisa

[Sniffs] It smells like the art teacher's office.

Marge

Where did you get that suit?

Homer

Woah, woah, one question at a time. [Points to Marge] Yes, you?

Marge

Homer, I am getting really worried you are going overboard with this. We are out of clothespins, there are half-eaten cupcakes all around the house, and the curtains smell like doob.

Homer

Well I got news for you: I just got promoted and it's all thanks to yes-I-cannabis! (Homer walks away) We have a kitchen?

Marge

Oh, Homer. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Homer

You bet I am!

Homer

Hahahahaha! You can run, but you can't glide!

Homer

Hehehe! U S A! U S A!

Marge

Aaaaah! What on Earth have you done?! My maguppies became bazongas!

Great Ceaușescu's ghost! Are those real? [Makes a realization] Oh. Oh, right.

Marge

Accidentally giving me breast implants is not a simple misunderstanding, my surgery was botched!

Botched, what is that the word of the day?

Marge

Why do you always pick the cheapest guy?

Homer

I go by how funny the sign is. [indicates the "A Bug's Death" van outside the house]

Chief Wiggum

Now, your case requires someone who understands the twisted mind of a murderer. And I know just where to find him.

Marge

[hopeful] Paris?

Chief Wiggum

No, no, not Paris.

Marge

[downhearted] I'm never gonna go to Paris.