[The family is playing Scrabble]
BartMy turn. Kwyjibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O, 22 points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here. [about to leave]
[grabs Bart's arm] Wait a minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
Bart
Kwyjibo. Uh... [looks at Homer, who lets go of his arm] a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
[Homer is offended and angrily looks down at Bart more]
[turns red in anger] I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [angrily chases Bart]
Bart
Uh-oh! Kwyjibo on the loose!
[sees the writing on the school wall about him saying he's a wiener, but in an incorrect sentence] Whoever did this is in very deep trouble.
And a sloppy speller, too. The preferred spelling of "wiener" is W-I-E-N-E-R. Although, "I-E" is an acceptable ethnic variant.
Good point. Boys, let's see your hands. [checks Lewis's hands] Mm-hmm. [checks Milhouse's hands] Good. [checks Richard's hands] Clean. [goes to Bart] Simpson?
[Bart shows Skinner his red painted hands]
You might say you caught him red-handed.
Simpson, you and I are going to have a little talk.
Bart
Same time, same place?
Yes. In my office after school.
MLMilhouse, Lewis, and Richard
Ooh!
[Bart gulps]
Bart
[singing] Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor. Please use the cuspidor. That's what it's for.
[Bart and Homer laughing]
Bart, stop fooling around. Homer, stop encouraging him.
Don't stifle the boy, Marge. We're supposed to encourage him.
Bart
No way a bull's gonna miss a target that big, man.
[Lisa, Bart, and their father laughing]
Bart
Dad, I got to tell you something, hope you won't be too mad.
Bart
I'm not a genius, dad.
Bart
I cheated on the intelligent test. I'm sorry. But I just wanna say that the past few weeks have been great! Me and you've done stuff together, you've helped me out with things, we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, dad, and I think if something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad.
[pauses; turns red in anger] Why you little...! [chases his son angrily]
Bart
Uh-oh! [runs screaming]
What's going on out there?
I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.
[Bart runs into his room and closes the door]
[pounding on the door] You can't stay in there forever!
Bart
[locks the door] I can try!
[pounding] March your butt right out here! Now!
Bart
[hops on his bed] No way, man!
[continues pounding] Bart! I-! [stops himself with a crafty smile] Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better.
Bart
[sits on his bed, reading comic books and drinking soda] You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that?! I'm insulted!
[Homer turns red, howls in rage and continues pounding at the door]
Bart
Is Mr. Freely there?
Bart
Freely, first initials I. P.
Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I pee freely! [the customers laugh] Wait a minute...Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
[Bart and Lisa laugh, before Moe hangs up]
You'll get that punk someday, Moe.
I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.
Ah, hello there, uh..uh....
[whispers to Smithers] Simpson, Homer.
[gives cue card] Here you go, sir.
Ah! Oh, yes. Oh, and this must be your lovely wife... [reads] Marge. Oh, and look a little...Lisa. Why, she's growing like a weed. And this must be... [lifts his thumb covering Bart's name] Brat!
Bart
Bart.
Don't correct the man, Brat!
[Dr. Monroe diagnoses the Simpsons' problem when he sees the rest of the family drawing Homer as they see him. Not paying attention to their disgust, he gets lost and draws an airplane with bombs on them]
MDr. Monroe
[to Homer] Well, if you had been paying attention, perhaps you would have noticed that your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure, an ogre, if you will.
Now, Doctor, that's not true.
Ogre is such a strong word.
Bart
Right on, Doc! Another successful diagnosis.
[Homer grabs a lamp and tries to hit Bart with it]
MDr. Monroe
Whoa! [takes the lamp from Homer with a chuckle] Okay, you want to kill each other. That's good. That's healthy.
Do I smell cupcakes? [opens the oven] Ooh, do I ever!
Uh-uh, Homer. Lisa's making these for her teacher.
Ah. Say no more. [closes it and seconds later Bart opens it]
Bart
Yum! Don't mind if I do!
Bart! [drags him back into the kitchen]
Bart
Oh, man!
Bart
[daydream begins] Okay, Nelson. Put up your dukes! [a big shadow looms over him] Whaaaa! [runs into a school hall and closes the door, getting punched by a big hand, Nelson stomps the door down] Yikes! [throws a knives at Nelson, as he drags them off]
Ha, ha, ha! [Bart grabs a machine gun and fires at Nelson] Ha, ha, ha!
Bart
Oh! [throws a machine gun at Nelson, who catches and eats it whole. He screams as he runs up some stairs, which he's followed by Nelson, the stairs stops at a dead end and Nelson is about to pick him up] Uh-oh.
Mmmmmm, lunchtime! Ha, ha, ha! Lunchtime!
[As Nelson swallows him whole, Bart screams while he travels down Nelson's esophagus. The nightmare ends as Milhouse wakes Bart up, telling him that it's lunchtime]
Lunchtime, Bart. It's lunchtime.
Bart
I ain't gonna get out of the fourth grade alive.
Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!
Bart
I guess I should do that.
What?! And violate the code of the schoolyard?! I'd rather Bart die!
What on Earth are you talking about, Homer?!
The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see: Don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do, and what else...?
Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm late for work! [lifts Maggie and looks underneath]
Oh, Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.
Bart
Did you check the den?
The den! Great idea! [heads into the den with Bart following him and he begins to pull couch apart]
Bart
Warm. No, cold. Colder. Ice cold.
You know where my keys are?
Bart
No, I'm talking about your breakfast. [laughs]
Bart
Did you check the rumpus room?
Rumpus room? Great idea! [runs to front door] Huh?
Oh, Dad? [points. The keys are still in the door lock]
[Bart skateboards down to the movie theater]
Bart
What? [crashes into a lamp post]
Nice dismount, man. [he and his friends laugh]
Bart
Didn't hurt.
Oh, yeah? Well, do it again!
Bart
Nah. Might land on my face and end up looking like you.
[as Bart takes a picture of him in the bathroom] Bart! What are you doing?
Bart
Sorry, Dad. The answer to that is a top secret.
[Bart takes a picture of Marge shaving her armpits next]
Bart
What?
Go take some wildlife pictures.
[he does, and takes a picture of a roadkill squirrel]
[Homer gets out of his car, whistling, arrives home, Marge furiously opens a door, Homer gasps]
[holding up a picture of Homer and Princess Kashmir] What is the meaning of this?!
Meaningless, Marge. Don't even attempt to find meaning in it. There's nothing between me and Princess Kashmir.
Bart
[walks by] Hey, my photo!
HMHomer and Marge
Your photo?!
Bart
Uh-oh.
Why you little- [about to choke Bart]
Why you big- [chokes Homer] Bart, go to your room!
Bart
I'm outta here. [leaves]
Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-
Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now.
What are you saying, honey? But where will I sleep?
My suggestion...is for you to sleep in the filth you created!
Would a motel be okay? [Marge slams the door in Homer's face. Sadly, he walks away from his house and heads for his car. Marge opens the house door] Oh, I knew you'd come to your-
[throws a suitcase at Homer] Here. If you have any soul left, you'll need these. I know I will. [closes the door as she goes back inside]
[Homer sitting in tears in the front of his house]
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
