Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

Ah, my first sucker! [chuckles]

Moleman

Oh, a dollar. Now I can have lunch! [tries to grab the bill when his glasses fell, making him see perfectly] Hmm?! It's a trick! I never needed these. [throws his glasses and walks away. Bart groans]

Cletus

Oh, lookie here, it's the old fishing line on a dollar bill prank. Man, even a backwoods, no account, inbred, lead-paint-eating, kerosene-huffing, roadkill-chomping, uh... what was my point? [walks away]

Kirk

[to Luann] That is a practical joke, Luann. Which is too bad, because I desperately need that dollar. Yeah, I could also use the fishing line to get some dinner.

Luann

Bart, if Milhouse is hiding with you, tell him he has to shop for school clothes. [Milhouse comes out from behind the bushes]

Yay!! School clothes!

Bart

[to Homer, who's watching football] Dad, I'm worried. No one is falling for my pranks anymore!

Homer

Son, I know this seems like the biggest disappointment of your life, but trust me, there are going to be so many more. What you've got to remember is... Oh my God, 13 men in the field! Review it, review it, review it! Yes!! Play stands!

Lisa

Mom, I've been working on a new solo jazz piece.

Marge

[groans] Can I hear it? [Lisa starts playing her jazz solo]

Homer

Oh, I'd love to stay and listen, but I'm late for work! [leaves and comes back with Snowball V] Here's another super-fan to hear you lay down your licks! [leaves, comes back, puts glasses and a beret on Snowball V and leaves again]

Homer

[To Maggie who had her hair cut like Bart's] Why you little!

Bart

Dad, no! You're gonna strangle a baby!

Homer

[gasps] Oh my God. That would've been horrible! [to Bart] Why you little! [strangles him] Turning a sweet little baby into a you! [sits beside him] Bart, you're a great kid, but if I had another one like you, I'd hang myself from a highway overpass! Please, give your sister the precious gift of not being you.

Bart

Okay Dad. Mags, it was fun while it lasted. [puts her hair back to normal]

Homer

Huh? Ha! I didn't know it was that easy. [makes Bart's hair look like Maggie's]

Bart

Stop that! [makes his hair like Sideshow Bob's]

Homer

Aah! Sideshow Bob!

Lisa

I've never seen this. It must've been left by some previous owner.

Homer

Holy moly, a valuable antique car!! This is the find of a lifetime! Oh, it's a stick.

Lisa

Dad, shouldn't we see who owns the car?

Homer

Now, sweetie, according to the ancient law of Trover, abandoned property passes to the subsequent landowner.

Bart

Man, ever since you watched Medieval Tomb Robbers on the History Channel, everything with you is Trover, Trover, Trover!

Homer

Boy, either show me a writ of replevin or pipe down!

Bart

Okay, so, at a Ralph party, always get to the cake before...

Lisa

Too late!

Bart

Oh my treehouse sucks.

Haw-Haw! You have class envy!

Nelson, honey, I told you to stop sayin' "haw-haw".

Give me a dollar and I'll stop.

I don't got a dollar!

Haw-Haw!

Marge

Ooh. Throwing away your "No Girls" sign? Is it time for you to have "the talk" with your dad? Because he's gonna have to read a few things first.

Bart

No! I'm tearing it down. Ralph has a cool treehouse, and mine sucks.

Marge

Well, Bart, your father built it, and he did the very best he could.

Homer

I did my job. Now it's your turn, tree! Get growing!

Marge

I'll tell you what, why don't I spruce it up for you? Huh?

Bart

But you're an inside grown-up. Moms can't build treehouses.

Marge

You realize that saying that is gonna make this mom work her keister off to make you the best darn treehouse you ever saw!

Bart

Sounds good!

Bart

Mom, I'll clean that up for you.

Marge

Oh, thank God, some help.

Bart

Where's the mop?

Marge

In the mop closet.

Bart

Where's the bucket?

Marge

Under the mop! [Bart opens a closet] Other closet! [he opens the second closet and some things fall from it]

Bart

There's stuff in front of it. [Marge groans] Let me help! [grabs a box and two bottles fall from it and start crossing the floor] Ay caramba! Hey, there's wood underneath this linoleum.

Marge

Oh! Just go play outside.

Bart

Outside? Your loss.

Bart

Hey, Martin.

Martin

Bartholomew! This playground has safely stimulated my imagination.

Bart

What the hell are you talking about?

Martin! [chuckles] Who's your new friend?

Martin

[whispering] Mother, don't blow this for me!

Fine, I'll just go sit and talk to his mother. Where is she?

Bart

I'm here by myself. But I have a safety number! [calls a number on his phone]

Moe's Tavern. Homer ain't here, and for once, that's the truth. [Martha calls the police]

Homer

Marge is right, Your Honor. My e-mail password is "bad dad."

Bart

Yeah, Judge. If you wanna know who should be in jail, he weighs 240 and smells like onions. [Homer slaps Bart in the back of the head]

Chief Wiggum

Simpson, are you here unsupervised?

Bart

Yeah, and so what?

Chief Wiggum

I'd lose the attitude, "Sylvester Stallone"! [Lou chuckles] Finally, a laugh out of Lou! Son, kids aren't allowed on their own anymore, now who said you could come here?

Bart

My mom.

Chief Wiggum

Ugh. Always the mom.

Marge

What a beautiful day for a family stroll!

[carrying his octuplets] Tell that to my aching back!

Bart

[groans] It's not a family stroll! Homer forgot where he parked his car last night and now we have to find it!

Marge

What a beautiful day to be in denial!

Lisa

Yeah, Bart, who cares? The sun is shining, birds are singing, people... are... staring up at the sky in terror?

Homer

Do you see it, Lisa? There's... nothing... there.

And that's where Lard Lad used to be!

Bart

[eating the candy] Mmm! They are good!

Lisa

How did you get them so fast?

Bart

I'm a Krusty Prime member. $75.00 a month, but it's worth it.

Lisa

[picks up a box of samples] We've got to get these samples analyzed. Bart, do you think we'll get out of here safely?

Bart

I think the guard's no problem.

Bart

Here comes our ride.