Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

If it's the blue hair and the schnoz you're digging, I've got plenty more cousins.

Bart

Thanks, Milhouse. I think I'm gonna steer clear of Van Houtens for awhile.

More for me, marrying a cousin worked out great for my parents.

Homer

That's Mock Rickly, my old Air Force buddy.

Bart

You said you were in the Army.

Lisa

You said you were in the Navy.

That's the kind of mix up that used to happen when I was in the Marines.

Homer

No, no, honey. I love everything your force me to do. And sometimes if you do all that, you get a very special night.

Bart

And what does that get you?

Homer

Hopefully not a you.

Lisa

And those are some nice upgrades.

Bart

Expensive upgrades!

Lisa

Upgrades like that costs gems, and gems cost cash.

Bart

Expensive cash!

Lisa

Where did you get the cash, Nelson?

I don't use gems! I'm a grinder. A grinder!

Bart

Now, put your good clothes on.

Marge

I'm already in a dress and pearls, and I'm 8 years old.

Bart

Mr. Largo? Hmm, something's wrong. That music is in tune...

Sideshow Bob

Hello, Bart!

Bart

Aah! Sideshow Bob!!

Sideshow Bob

'Twas I who texted you... using Milhouse's phone! Did you know his wallpaper is American Girl Doll? Now let me put this in terms that a young boy would understand: [he opens a violin case and takes out a harpoon gun, then aims it at Bart while he speaks] you and I have danced a grand pas de deux worthy of Nijinsky, but this... is... the final... plié!

Bart

[unamused] Yawn. You couldn't kill me with that thing if I drew an "X" on my forehead. [he does so with blue chalk, then makes a taunting dance] Bob and a spear gun, sitting in a tree, S-U-C-K-I-N- [Bob shoots him with the gun, impaling him in the chest; he doesn't seem fazed, at first] Ha! Nice try, Bob, but I'm sure you made some... [he starts to falter] stupid... mistake...

Sideshow Bob

Not this time. [yanks the spear projectile from Bart's chest, pulling out his heart]

Bart

[in a weaker voice] Tell my father... he's... fat... [dies]

Sideshow Bob

[smiles in triumph] The deed is done. 24 years of trying to kill a ten-year-old child have finally paid off.

Sideshow Bob

And now, Bart, let's bring the old "spark" back to our special relationship! [He pulls the lever and activates the machine; in a second, Bart is born anew with no ill effects]

Bart

[gets sassy] You couldn't kill me if I came in with pneumonia and a knife in my back. [Bob pulls out a sledgehammer and kills him again with one whack on the head]

Sideshow Bob

I didn't care for the "thwock" the sledgehammer made. [tosses the hammer and returns to the Reanimator] No worries, I'll just kill him again. [activates the Reanimator again and revives Bart]

Bart

[with a confident smile] That's why I'm the Unkillable Kid. [Bob arrives and hits him with the sledgehammer again, this time in the stomach, but nothing happens] Still not dead. [Bob gets annoyed and whacks him on the head again] Psych! [Bob then gets infuriated and whacks him in a frenzy] Ay carumba! [the whacking continues until his guts spill out and he finally succumbs to his wounds]

Sideshow Bob

We're both going to be sore tomorrow! [cackles in glee and revives Bart again, starting a death montage]

Lisa

Grampa, everyone in town thinks you are foolish.

Who is more foolish---the fool, or the fool who thinks the fool a fool?

Bart

What the hell does that mean, Grampa-san?

For centuries, our family has made a daily offering of a special donut to a slumbering underwater sea creature, so that he does not rise and destroy us all. [Bart and Lisa laugh]

Bart

He is foolish!

Lisa

So foolish! [laughs and turns to Grampa Simp-san] Doesn't mean you are not special.

Okay, guys. My cellphone is somewhere in that pulsing ooze. Now each grab one ankle while I dive in!

Lisa

We have to be careful, Milhouse. There's no telling what that stu-- Bart! What are you doing?!

Bart

[with a green "beard" made from the ooze] Madam, how do you do?

Lisa

[offscreen voice] You don't know what that stuff is doing to you!

Bart

Oh, it's just the same junk Dad brings us home from work! [reveals that the ooze is radioactive waste from the nuclear plant] To us Simpsons, this green goop is mother's m-- [a bubble with the radioactive ooze blows up, throwing them out of the hole]

Marge

Are you sure you set it up right?

Bart

Yes!

Marge

Then why aren't we skyping?

Bart

I don't know, maybe Lisa's drugged-out.

Marge

My daughter is not drugged-out!

Bart

Maybe she's just sleeping late after partying at discoteques.

Marge

How do you know about all-night discoteques?

Bart

We have Disco Stu in this town, Mom. He's a resource. Use him!! [Skype tone plays]

[Bart hits a street light] Blam! Blam! Blam, Blam! Hey, you missed one! [stops with his skateboard]

Bart

Nope, can’t do it, my grandpa lives there.

Chief Wiggum

Stop! Stop right there! [while holding his flashlight after getting out of the car] Ah, looks like we finally put an end to this Light-mare on Elm Street. Hahaha.

Actually, it’s Maple Street, Chief.

Chief Wiggum

[turns off his flashlight] Thank you, Joke Police.

[while holding his skateboard] Please don’t arrest me! It’s a victim-less crime!

Lisa

Oh my god! I just got invited to my first third grade party!

Homer

Are the parents gonna be home?

Lisa

Yes.

Homer

Pft! Lame!!

Bart

Guys, I need to sharpen my mustaches. Which is better? A, [changes it to a downwards position] or B? [keeps changing it between upwards and downwards] A or B? A or B? A or B!? A or... B?

Lisa

NOOOO!! No, no, no, nooooo!!!

Bart

What happened? Did jazz die?

Lisa

[enters Homer and Marge's bedroom] Look at me!! [the camera turns around, revealing her face with acne]

Marge

Acne!? But she's only eight!

Lisa

[worried] Somehow I'm becoming the Squeaky-Voiced Teen! [with a squeaky voice] Do you want fries with that? [back to her normal voice] What am I saying!?

Bart

I, too, was visited by the Ghost of Puberty Present. I've got a starter 'stache! Next, I'm a loser, then I'm a creep, then I'm a perv! I've got to buy a van.

Lisa

[cries] This isn't fair, I'm not ready for my awkward years. This is my happy childhood, for crying out loud!!

Lisa

Bart, wait! I like the new you. Listen, before you flip those circuit breakers, look deep in your sister's eyes and tell me what you see.

Bart

I see love.

Lisa

Unconditional love.

Bart

Which means I can do whatever I want!

Lisa

D'oh!

Marge

Oh, this tile is lose! I'll have to call a handy man.

Homer

Eh... Why did you say it like that, with the pause between the words? Are you saying I'm not handy?!

Marge

That's how you say it. Handy man.

Homer

It's handyman!

Marge

That's what I said! handy [pause] man.

Homer

[angrily] Marjorie, there is the profession: handyman, and there are men who are handy! Which are you saying I'm not? Tell me...

Marge

A handy [pause] man. [Homer exclaims angrily]

Bart

Face it, Homeboy, you ain't handy! Unless we need a big fat paperweight.

Homer

I'll paperweight you!! [sits on Bart]

Marge

Homie, sweetie, replacing a tile is something you really need a professional for.

Homer

I know how to replace a tile! All guys do! We talk about it all the time. Grout?

Marge

There's no stopping what I've started here. Here's your tile! [puts the tile on Homer's plate] Have fun! Handy [pause] man! [leaves]