Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

Well, Homer, looks like I can't go to discipline camp. Which is too bad, 'cause I think this was the thing that would finally straighten me out.

Homer

[angrily grabs Bart by his shirt] Oh, yeah? You're going to that camp 'cause I'm going to drive you there.

Bart

Yeah, that will be way more fun than Vegas.

Homer

D'OHHHHHHHHH!

Carl

Oh, dang, Homer ain't coming.

[offscreen] Haw, haw!

Carl

And Nelson saw something funny!

Homer

Stupid Bart, makes me drive to Oregon, home of unspoiled forests, birthplace of Matt Groening.

Bart

Dad, neither of us wanna go, why are you doing this? Where's the old carefree Homer who likes to cut loose?

Homer

You mean Fun Homer? I'm afraid Serious Homer has him locked up till you're at your snooty torture camp.

Bart

Fight back, Fun Homer! Together we can win!

Homer

It's no use!

[locked in two energy cage rings like in Superman II] Aw come on, Serious Homer, let me out! We'll get a monkey drunk and push him down the stairs!

[whacks Fun Homer with his rifle] I'll kill you, the way I killed Intellectual Homer!

Bart

Come on, Dad, we've got a long way to go, you can't stay mad at me the whole time!

Homer

Boy, if you were half as smart as you think you are, you'd clean up your act!

Bart

Well, maybe pulling pranks is the only thing I'm good at.

Homer

Well, at least you have something you're good at. I'm 38 years old, driving a crappy car, with a son who doesn't respect me, and I'm one Snickers pie away from losing my foot to diabetes! Mmmm... Snickers pie... [salivating]

Homer

Boy, push down on the bumper! Then I can back the car up and save myself!

Bart

[suspicious] If I save you, what are you going to do to me?

Homer

[calmly] Shower you with love, because this experience has taught me just how precious you are! [Bart pushes down on the bumper, at which point Homer goes berserk] I'll kill you, I'll kill your whole family!

Homer

[calmly] Kidding! I'm kidding! We can do that, we have a special friendship!

Homer

[angry] I'm gonna double-kill you! Then I'm gonna bury you in a shallow grave! Then I'm gonna dig you up and kill you again: that's the beauty of a shallow grave!

Homer

[calm] Oh you sweet little angel! I'm gonna...

Homer

[angry]...rip your head off and spit down...

Homer

[calm]...your adorable little neck because I...

Homer

[angry]...wanna smash your stupid little head!

Homer

[calm] Oh but I love you! We'll go on a fishing trip...

Homer

[angry] But first I'm gonna put you in a sawmill! Then push your little face down, that's what I'm gonna do!

Bart

[addressing Willie] That job has been taken by the lower guy on the totem pole.

[Having the tractor on top of the school] How did I get up here?!

Bart

So, Mr. Burns, you're saying my dad has gone insane, and thinks he's a god, and broken off all contact with the outside world?

I told you Simpson was a poor choice, sir.

Mr. Burns

You know, Smithers, "I told you so" has a brother. His name is, "Shut the hell up"!

Bart

[to Lisa] Do you know why you did good at math?

"Did well."

Ah, give it a rest, Melanie.

Calling me by my first name is harassment!

Well, in for a penny, in for a pound! [grabs Melanie and kisses her]

[charmed] Oh, Superintendent...!

Bart

[dreamily] Wow. I've got this sudden urge to give her a five-dollar bill...

Marge

That's it, we're leaving!

Homer

Boy, get dressed! You’re going to a jazz brunch as a punishment for all the racket you’re making.

Bart

I thought you wanted me to drum?

Homer

Hmph. I'm sending you mixed messages. Now get the hell out of here! [slams door, then opens it again] I love you so much. [Hostile] Damn you! [Shakes fist]

Ow!

Lisa

[giggles]

Martin

Pardon my birdie, I misjudged the privellian winds.

YOU EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF LISA!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Lisa

Milhouse, what's gotten into you?

Over the years a lotta people have hurted me! Good thing I kept this list. [Shows Lisa a list of people have wronged him and then chuckles evilly]

Lisa

No, no, you already got your revenge!

You wouldn't give me Chinese Cuts in the lunch line! [Inflicts Wendell a Wedgie] You laughed when I threw up in the Glass blowing tour! [Inflicts Lewis a Wedgie] Girls like you better! [Inflicts Richard a Stop Hitting Yourself] Your parents are married! [Inflicts the rest of the kids a Stop Hitting Yourself, Wedgie and Wet Willie]

Bart

Ay, caramba! [Back at the present] That's the only line I get in your stupid story?

Lisa

There are no small parts, just small actors.

[Back at the story, Milhouse keeps inflicting punishments on his enemies]

This is my first day at this school! I haven't done anything to you!

You will! This is prevenge! [Inflicts Freshman Facial on the kid an falls on his face in a mud puddle, then Groundskeeper Willie walks by and sees the kid and Milhouse]

Willie

Well, look, it's Milhouse! What's the power glove for? Opening the cap on his weirdo pills? [Milhouse inflicts Ultimate Noogie on Willie which severes his head off, though he's still alive]

Principal Skinner

[walks by] Willie, clean up this mess!

Willie

Alright! [Starts licking his blood]

Lisa

Milhouse, don't you see? You're addicted to revenge!

You'll learn to love it when you're my queen!

Lisa

I see. [Chuckles nervously] While it would be an honor to be your queen...

Go on.

Lisa

I feel it would be best if we just stay as friends.

NOBODY SPARES MY FEELINGS!! [Gets ready to shoot Lisa but starts to decide not to]

I can't do it, I can't hurt you Lisa! [Throws the glove away but then Nelson picks it up]

Ha Ha! You forgot about me 'Cuz I had the mumps! [Inflicts all the glove's options at Milhouse]

So, how many wives will you be marrying today, Mr Simpson?

Bart

Just one.

What, are you gay?

Darcy

[to Bart] You look kind of young.

Bart

Uh, yeah, I have that disease that makes you look like an old man, but they gave me medicine for it and I took too much.

Darcy

I'm very religious that way.

Bart

How religious can you be if you're pregnant? [Darcy slaps Bart] Good answer.

Lisa

[to Bart while he's driving] Slow down! Watch out for that car. Your hands should be at 10:00 and 2:00, not 3:00 and nothing!

Bart

You know, it'd be a real shame if someone started investigating your Indian heritage!

Lisa

[meekly] I'll be good.

Darcy

[to Bart] You really are 10. I just thought you were really stupid.

Bart

I'm 10 and stupid! Look if I'm not a father then, who is?

Darcy

A Norwegian exchange student. He's long gone, back to Norwegia. I wanted you to marry me so my baby would have a dad.