Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

I'm Al Unser Jr.!

Lisa

[British accent] I'm Princess Margaret!

Homer

[slurred] I'm DRUNK!

Hey, whaddya know, it floats!

Homer

That was my plan all along! Now relax, and the currents will take us home.

Bart

What about the people on the bottom?

Homer

They're the greatest heroes of all... Hey, something's clawing at my leg!... Okay, it stopped.

Lisa

Ah, it's good to be home.

Homer

I don't know. After living like a billionaire, this place is kind of a dump.

Bart

It's not so bad. Here, we can spit on the floor. [spits it out]

Marge

Bart, stop that. Now, we may not have antique furniture, or priceless artwork, but we have everything we need, right here.

Homer

That's right. Just because we're not rich doesn't mean that we don't have... [crying] Oh, I can't even finish! I wanna be rich! [drops to the floor, as the scene fades to black. The names of the executive producers appear] Like these guys! [The credits for the actors start to roll] And look at all these rich people here! Not as rich they should be, of course, but still rich! [sobbing] Big money! Look at all the names, that all have money, and have lots of money! [Richard K. Chung's name is on screen] Oh, he's poor. [sobbing again] But look at all the other people who aren't...! Oh, look at all the people who could buy and sell me! I should send a list of these names to the IRS! I'm taking 'em all down! [Continues crying as the credits keep rolling] Oh, look at all the rich people! Oh! Oh, look at that rich...! [The Gracie Films logo goes "Shh!"] Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

Homer

Son, don't ask why, but you have to lose the big race.

Bart

You want me to lose the Springfield Derby? But you always taught me that winning was everything.

Homer

Oh, it is, it is. But we've been pushing that poor horse too hard.

Bart

Maybe, but if Duncan wins the derby, he can spend the rest of his days as a stud.

Homer

Well, it is a good life. Believe me. [giggles] All right, we'll give it a shot. I'll deal with those murderous trolls.

Bart

Huh?

Homer

I mean, I'll deal with those murderous trolls.

Bart

Dad, why are you taping Flanders?

Homer

You'll see. [he chuckles]

Bart

Do you even have a job anymore?

Homer

I think it's pretty obvious that I don't.

You're watching PBS.

Bart

You're watching PBS?!

Homer

Hey, I'm as surprised as you. But I've stumbled across a delicious new comedy about soccer hooligans. If they're not having a go with a bird, they're having a row with a wanker.

Bart

Cheeky!

Homer Simpson

Oh, what a bleak and horrible future we live in!

Bart Simpson

Don't you mean "present?"

Homer Simpson

Right, right. Present.

Marge Simpson

So, how was everyone's day?

Lisa Simpson

Appointed a Supreme Court justice.

Bart Simpson

Bewitched marathon.

Homer Simpson

Searched for Lincoln's gold.

Lisa Simpson

Dad, that's just a myth. Lincoln didn't bury any gold in the White House.

Homer Simpson

Then what is his ghost protecting?

Homer

I can't believe I found this muscle shirt.

Bart

Dad, that's a sports bra.

Homer

All I know is that I'm finally getting the support I need.

Bart

You did it, Dad!

Homer

[drunk] You can't prove I did it.

Lisa

No, you saved our lives.

Homer

I could do a lot of things if I had some money.

Lisa

Mom! Bart's sitting next to me!

Bart

Mom! Lisa's growing!

Marge

Quiet, you two! You know your father just had a breakdown.

Homer

[Holding a pennant that says "Mental"] My pockets hurt!

Bart

Hey, this isn't real. This is printed by the Montana Militia.

Homer

[threateningly] It'll be real soon enough!

Homer

Son, let's go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes!

Bart

Cowabunga, dude!

And cut!

Bart

Dad, I've never said "cowabunga" in my life! Your script sucks!

Homer

[turns his face red in anger] Why you little...! [starts strangling Bart]

Hey, that's funny!

Homer

And that horrible act of child abuse became one of our most beloved running gags.

Bart

C'mon, Lis, there's gotta be a way to lure that badger out.

Lisa

Well, according to whatbadgerseat.com, badgers subsist primarily on a diet of stoats, voles, and marmots.

Bart

[hunts through the kitchen cabinets] Hmm, stoats... stoats ...

Lisa

Stoats are weasels, Bart. They don't come in cans.

Bart

Then what's this? [triumphantly holds up a can]

Lisa

That says corn, Bart.

Bart

Must you embarrass me?

Kent Brockman

[about "New Springfield"] Scientists say they're also less attractive physically, and while we speak in a well-educated manner they tend to use low-brow expressions like "oh yeah?" and "come here a minute!"

Homer

Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh?! Bart, come here a minute.

Bart

You come here a minute!

Homer

Oh yeah?