Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

Hey, look, isn't that Woody Allen?

Homer

Hmm. Looks like he's doing a commercial.

Oh! Ahem, hello. So many rice crackers claim to be low-cal, but only Fujikawa Rice Crackers make your interiors go bananas. What did I do to deserve this? Oh, right.

Homer

Mmm, $59 pretzel. Hey, what's Baby Huey doin'?

Bart

Says here they throw salt before they wrestle to purify the ring.

Homer

Hmm. Spare some salt, tubby?

Tubby? [Subtitled in English from Japanese]: The name "Tubby" is hurtful, as my weight problem is glandular. Are you going to eat that? Yoink.

Lisa

Now can we do something Japanese?

Homer

Oh, I'm sick of doing Japanese stuff. In jail, we had to be in this dumb Kabuki play about the 47 Ronin and I wanted to be Yoshi, but they made me Ori.

Bart

Then we had to do two hours of origami followed by flower arranging and meditation.

Homer

[Japanese version of Should we tell them the secret of inner peace? in English subtitles]

Bart

[Japanese version of No, they are foreign devils. in English subtitles]

Marge

Honey, I know you want to see Japan, bet we're down to our last million yen.

Homer

Don't worry, ichiban. I'll show you something Japanese.

Lisa

Oh, it's beautiful, Dad.

Homer

It's a crane. The Japanese believe they bring good luck.

Marge

Oh, be careful. We need that money to get home. [gasps] No!

Homer

[Japanese version of D'oh! in English subtitles]

Now, Mr. Simpson, I know you lost all your money, but don't worry. The United States will not stand idly by while one of its citizens is stuck here like this.

Marge

But, Mr. Ambassador, how are we going to get home?

Beats me. Try getting a job and earning some money. That's what I did. By the way, "ambassador" is taken.

Marge

[cheerfully] Every truckload of fish we gut brings us thirty-one cents closer to those tickets home.

Bart

And I think I've finally found what I was put on this earth to do. [starts gutting fish] Knife goes in, guts come out. Knife goes in, guts come out.

Spare my life and I'll give you three wish ... [gets gutted] ...gaah!

Bart

Knife goes in, guts come out.

Lisa

Yippee! Time for the company loyalty song!

[singing] Knife-a goes in, a-guts come out [stabs itself] that's what Osaka Seafood Concern is all about. [collapses]

Homer

Well, this sucks; what else is on? [uses eel to change the channel]

Thank you. You have fulfilled our dreams and dreams of our ancestors.

Tune in tomorrow, when another lucky family tries to win their dreams on Happy Smile Super Challenge Family Wish Show.

Marge

Family Wish Show. Hmm. That gives me an idea.

Lisa

I think we all had that idea.

Homer

I didn't. What is it? Lunch?

Bart

Good-bye, Japan. I'll miss your Kentucky Fried Chicken and your sparkling, whale-free seas.

Homer

Hey, what's goin' on?

Bart

What's happening?

Uh, folks, we’re experiencing some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time, so I’m going to go ahead and ask you to put your seatbelts back on. When we get to 35,000 feet, he usually does let go, so from there on out, all we have to worry about is Mothra, and, uh, we do have reports he’s tied up with Gamera and Rodan at the present time. Thank you very much.

Marge

Oh, look, they're shooting a movie! Robert Downey Jr.'s shooting it out with the police!

Bart

[Looks around] I don't see any cameras...

Young Bart here is right. We are spying on you, pretty much around the clock.

Bart

But why, Mr. McGwire?

Do you want to know the terrifying truth, or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?

Dingers! Dingers!

Homer

Well, here we are, kids, the zoo.

Bart

Well, that's great dad, except you were supposed to take us to the newspaper.

Homer

D'oh! [echoes throughout the zoo causing the animals to run riot]

...And to protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.

Lisa

And what percent is that?

Zero.

Zero’s a percent.

Homer

I smell cake! Cake that says [sniff sniff] "Farewell" and [sniff sniff] "Best Wishes"!

Your old man has an awesome nose.

Bart

Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding.

Homer

Look Marge, they're paying me to eat!

Bart

Yeah, now if we can get someone to pay you for scratching your butt, we'd be on Easy Street!

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why, you little- [angrily strangles Bart]

Homer

Ooh! There's Ross Perot...Dr. Laura...Spike Lee...

Bart

Wait, they're not that great.

Homer

Okay, there's Dan Quayle and Courtney Love...Tonya Harding...Al Sharpton?

Homer

AAH! Tom Arnold?! What the hell's going on?!

Bart

Only that ship's going to Mars. This one's headed straight for the sun!

Yeah, ain't that a kick in the teeth? I mean, my shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced them to watch. And I could've, because I'm a big guy and I'm good with knots.

Bart

I'll dig an outhouse!

Lisa

I'll weed the floor!

Marge

I'll repress the rage I'm feeling! [plasters a fake smile on her face]

Sisters are doing it for themselves!

Homer

Hey! Why is this door locked?

Bart

Oh no, it's Dad! [Bart falls out of the bed, landing on a bowling ball on the floor]

Homer

[screams] What's going on?! [shaking his fist] And I want the non-gay explanation!

Uh, we're drunk. Really drunk.

Homer

Oh, thank God!

Homer

I got the groceries!

Lisa

Good! Maple soda? A cell phone full of candy?! Astronaut bread?

Homer

It's the bread of astronauts.

Bart

I didn't know Aerosmith made a cereal...

Bart

Hey Brother Faith, how did you get the bucket off my dad's head?

Well I didn't son, you did. God has given you the power.

Bart

Really? Hmmm.. I would think he would want to limit my power.

Marge

Wow! He should have his foot insured by Lloyd's of London.

Homer

[Slurred speech] You just know what everyone should do, don't you, Marge?