Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

[aiming at the sharks with a harpoon] Shark Week just got cancelled.

Drop the 'poon!

Homer

Oh, come on, leave me alone! I'm trying to save your precious whales!

We're not here to protect the whales, we're here to protect the sharks.

Did you know that over 40 million sharks are slaughtered every year to make shark fin soup?

Homer

What the--?! You like sharks?!

Being a true eco-activist means supporting every animal's struggle for life.

Except for cockroaches. Yuck!

Linda, please.

Homer

Pfft! Typical eco-jerks, using words to talk! [speeds past them]

Lisa

Thanks for not letting me give up, Dad.

Homer

Hey, I'd do anything for a sweet, intelligent mammal. By which I mean you. [hugs her]

Homer

Well, if you ask me, you were trying to play God.

Ned

[gasps] That's the worst sin of all, for some reason.

Ned

I guess I did create this, just as God created the Devil.

Homer

God create the devil? Finally, He did something cool!

Homer

All right, buddy, I'm gonna do to you what you should've done to my son a long time ago!

[in his Sideshow Bob disguise] I'm not Sideshow Bob. I'm the real Walt Warren.

Homer

You never fail to nauseate me boy.

Bart

Just call me Barf Simpson.

Homer

I wanted to, but your mother said kids might tease you.

He's a [says a series of words that get bleeped out]

Lisa

I finally found a place I belong.

Marge

Your week's up! Time to go home.

Homer

[gasps] It can't be Saturday already! [checks camera] Monday was orientation. Tuesday, we did mime. Wednesday, we did Mame. Thursday, we got attacked by bees. Friday morning, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Elaine Stritch helped us make wallets. Friday evening, we performed Angels in America: A Gay Fantasia on National Themes. Part 1: Millennium Approaches. Part 2...

Marge

Perestroika?

Lisa

That's right! Strike the set, pizza party, Sunday morning and then-- [gasps] Nooooo!

Homer

Goodbye, Lisa! I'll miss you a lot! Then a little! Then not too much!

Lisa Simpson

Edmund's almost here! So please, nobody be themselves.

Homer Simpson

I know, I know. Don't serve garlic, don't stab your guest in the heart with a wooden stake, don't ask him if he knows Frankenstein. It's racist somehow.

Lisa

Dad, can I talk to you for a second?

Homer

What is troubling you, my son? I mean, my girl son.

Marge

What's so wrong with me?

Homer

Nothing, sweetie, nothing! Let me explain. She doesn't want to turn out like you didn't... not until... diplomatic.... trapped... help. Remember nothing.

Marge

A mother will remember everything!

Homer

Well if you look inside your purse, you can find the 7 of clubs.

Marge

[Looks inside her purse and pulls out a photo of Lisa] No, it's a photo of Lisa who wants to be nothing like me.

Marge

What's your note say?

Lisa

The seven of clubs?

Homer

[Revealing himself to have put the 7 of clubs to cheer Lisa up] Tada!

Homer

[telling the kids a horror story in a creepy voice] The Bloody Hangman walks on his stubby bone feet through the plague-ridden streets of London...

Lisa

You said it was Boston.

Homer

[still in a creepy voice] Did I?

Agnes Skinner

Hey, Simpson! How come you ain't in combat like a real man?

Homer

I'm too fat to fit in a foxhole.

Homer

Kids, remember when I promised to feed us from that victory garden? Well, instead, I grew this tree!

Lisa

Don't you dare bring that thing in here!

Homer

What? You don't want a Christmas tree?! That's crazy! Next you won't want a Christmas ham!

Lisa

Don't worry about that. I love meat and I always will. [takes a bite out of a slice of ham] Mmm-mm! That is some sweet pig meat!

Judge Snyder

Homer Simpson, you are hereby sentenced to ten years in the federal penitentiary.

Homer

It's okay. It's okay. I can be out in 18 months with good behavior.

Bart

We're Simpsons, Dad. We don't do good behavior.

Homer

[turn red in anger] Don't tell me I'm not capable of good behavior! [starts strangling Bart, then stops, turns his face normal]