Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer, I just want you to know that, out of all the informants the FBI has ever had, you were the snitchiest.

Homer

[bitterly] Oh, I see. You use me to kill a man, and all I get is a handshake and a blanket!

I never shook your hand.

And we never said you could have the blanket. [takes the blanket away]

Fit Tony

I keep my friends close...

Homer

But your enemies closer?

Fit Tony

No! Why would I do that? If I kept my enemies close, they would kill me!

Marge

Why do you have to eat peanuts in the shower? [cut to a hideous collection of peanut shells, hair, and dirt Marge pulled out the drain]

Homer

Can't start the day without that fresh-from-the-circus feeling! [walks out the bathroom humming clown music]

Homer

Have you noticed how pizzas have gotten so small.

I know, they are like dimes.

Homer

Uh-oh, usually when it gets this quiet, Mr. Burns is standing behind me.

Mr. Burns

Actually, I'm standing in front of you.

Bart

That's Angry Dad, the semi-autobiographical web cartoon I created.

Homer

I legally forced him to say "semi".

Bart

Hey Homer, how would you like to be the voice of Angry Dad?

Homer

It would be an HONOR!!!

Homer

[to Bart] My little Roman Polanski.

Marge

Homer!

Homer

What? What's wrong with being Roman Polanski?

Marge

[whispers in Homer's ear]

Homer

He what?! [angrily turns red] YOU MONSTER!! [starts strangling Bart]

Marge

It's like we've got our own monster!

Homer

Your grandfather is not a monster! Now, let's chain him in the basement until the circus comes to town.

Sounds good!

Bart

[laughing hysterically] Quit it! [The audience starts laughing at Bart] Knock it off! Stop it! Dad, this isn't funny! [Bart pees his pants and Homer stops tickling Bart]

Sideshow Mel

[pointing at the Jumbotron with his stadium cheering glove] The child has wetted his trousers! [The audience burst out laughing]

Bart

[holding his crotch embarrassed] Dad, how could you do that? The whole audience saw me pee my pants!

Homer

Son, I'm really, really sorry.

Kent Brockman

Taking pity on the boy, the operators of Springfield Stadium open the stadium's retractable roof, in an attempt to dry his pants. Unfortunately, the stain was picked up by Russian spy satellites and President Dmitry Medvedev has taken the pants wetting as a sign of American weakness. A Russian flotilla has just entered New York Harb--

Homer

[after TV turns off] Oh. Bart's never gonna forgive me for humiliating him.

Bart Simpson

Precious, is that you?

Homer Simpson

Yes Mama.

Bart Simpson

You think you're so pretty, where's my Lotto Ticket?!

Homer Simpson

I forgot, Mama.

Lisa

So how come we have all these other keys?

Homer

Well, if you live long enough, you'll start to accumulate things. This is from a gas station's men's room. They put a block of wood on it so you don't walk away with it.

Lisa

That's where the ice bridge would be. Go down.

Lisa

Dad, stop!

Homer

But...ooh, there's so many [two] buttons.

Lisa

[falling from the blimp] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [sees bus 23 in the river] Oooooooh!

Your town appears on no maps or charts.

Homer

Yeah, they couldn't find a Google map photo without me naked or urinating.

Marge

And when there was a map makers convention here, we all got Lou Gehrig's disease.

Homer

Not the one you're thinking of though, there's another one.