Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

Girls are easy! Girls love daddy, girls give birthday cards with glitter and sprinkles, and I don't have to tell them how their bodies work 'cause I don't know!

Bart

You never told me how my body works.

Homer

Point and shoot.

Mr. Burns

We have to cut costs.

But we have way more expensive unnecessaries than doughnuts.

Carl

Yeah, like the ceiling furniture.

And all the joke ID badges we ordered.

Mr. Burns

No doughnuts!

No!

Homer

D'oh!

Carl

Nuts!

Mr. Burns

Exactly!

Carl

Homer, you don't look fat.

Homer

Oh, Carl. You're a liar, but I love it.

Marge

I'm not a dude, I'm a hottie.

Homer

This bromance just got interesting.

Homer

Ooh, you're hot when you're horny.

Marge

I'm not horny. I'm mad.

Homer

Ooh, you're mad when you're angry.

Homer

Credit card offer, overdue bill, credit card offer, overdue bill. Huh? What's this? [opens a envelope] What the--?! [angry] You're a month behind on homework?!

Bart

I tried really hard to stop you from finding out. Does that help?

Homer

[still angry] A LITTLE!

Bart

[watching a Pokémon-like show on TV] Wow, how does this show stay so fresh?

Homer

[angrily enters Bart's room] Hey! You're supposed to be doing your homework! No more TV for you! [tries to take the TV off Bart's desk but fails miserably, so he grabs a pen and scribbles on the screen] Until your homework is done, the only place your butt is safe from my foot is in that chair. [leaves]

Bart

Oh.

Marge

[sneaking in] It's okay, Bart. Just do a couple vocabulary words, then come have some milk and cookies.

Bart

But Dad said I had to finish my--

Marge

Never mind what he said. You just listen to me. [leaves]

Marge

Mister, you are grounded.

Homer

And no TV.

Marge

And I'm taking all the exciting colors out of your crayons.

Homer

And when you're out of my sight, you must constantly Twitter me exactly what you're up to! Even though I don't know what Twitter is and have no desire to find out!

Bart

Ah, you guys are the meanest parents ever. [he hugs Homer and Marge] Thank you.

Bart

But I need to talk about man stuff!

Homer

Talk to Grampa, he used to be a man!

Bart

He did?

Bart

It's not my fault, Grampa told me to kiss her!

Marge

[scoffs] Why didn't you just tell him to club her on her head and drag her into a cave?

Grampa

You mean second base? Whoa, he's a little young for that.

Bart

Well, if I talk to Nikki, I'm sure I can--

Homer

No! If you go near her one more time, we'll be sued into the poorhouse and have to eat garbage forever!

Bart

That's no problem, Mom can make garbage taste great.

Marge

[genuinely touched, hugging him] Thank you!

Bart

Well, I mean it.

Marge

And it means the world to me.

Homer

Oh! I finally caught one of Bart's school plays.

Marge

That's not Bart, that's Principal Skinner. Bart's sitting right next to you.

Homer

Yeah, now that I look closer, that guy couldn't fool anybody.

Skinner

Shut up, fatso.

Homer

[turns red with anger] Why you little… [furiously runs into the stage and angrily strangles Skinner, Martin and Wendell drags him off the stage]

Homer

I am the Messiah, come to save the world! Look upon me and shudder!

Bart

I already do that.

You have been chosen, Homer.

Homer

Chosen to be what, oh mighty Gerkin!?

Homer

Lisa, bring the car around.

Lisa

But I don't know how to drive.

Homer

Haven't you learned anything from watching Bart drive?

Lisa

A little...

Lisa

Those baby whales are doomed, just like their mom! Oh, I guess it's just nature's way...

Homer

[pulling up in a motorboat] Nature is a toothless, dying hag! We're gonna save those whale babies!