Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

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Dad, I can't believe you're putting my life at risk to save your own?!

Homer

You'll understand someday when you have kids.

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[Sideshow Bob placed a Homer dummy on the motor laundry line and turns it on, making it a decoy.]

The trap is set. The killer will think this dummy is you out for an evening stroll. Now we lie and wait like hungry Cassius for noble Caesar.

Homer

You're so smart. [to Bart] Shock him.

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Homer

Wait! Frank Grimes wasn't married! How could he have a son?

FGFrank Grimes Jr.

He happened to like hookers, okay?

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Dad! I figured it out! [opens a piece of paper] The murderer is--

Homer

I know! Frank Grimes Junior!

Huh? [looks down at the paper, where she has written the name "Bumblebee Man"] Precisely. [crumples the paper and kicks it away]

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[At night, Homer and Bart celebrate their victory at the capture of the perpetrator at Bart's room]

Dad, I'm really glad you're still alive.

Homer

Yeah, it's every parent's dream to outlive their children. Goodnight, son. [he closes the door, unaware that Bob is hiding on the other side of the door]

[jumps down] Hello, Bart. [Bart screams, but Bob quickly covers the boy's mouth with duct tape. He tries reaching for the shock remote, only to find that it is missing.] Looking for this? [He shows Bart the remote he had stolen before tossing it out the window and taking the knife out of his pocket.] Now I'm going to take some advice that was given to me by Lenny, and kill you without doing. [He raises the knife to strike, but looks at Bart's pleading eyes before stopping.] One thrust, and the deed is done. [He raises the knife again, but pauses again at the look of the boy's pleading face before lowering the knife again.] I... I can't do it.

[muffled] Huh? Why not?

Well, I guess I've—dear God—grown accustomed to your face! [starts singing "The Very Reason That I Live"]

I've... grown accustomed to his face,

And dreams of gouging out his eyes.

I've grown accustomed to my hate,

My plans to lacerate,

To disembowel,

To hear him howl.

[As he sings, Bart tries getting out of bed through the covers, but Bob grabs him and pins him to the wall atop the bedstand with the knife by his nightgown.]

The very reason that I live

Is plotting how to watch him die.

Homer

[bangs on the wall from the other room] Bart! Turn down that original cast recording and go to sleep! [The banging loosens the knife from the wall, and Bart falls down to the floor and tries escaping while sneaking behind Bob.]

[continues] I know this chubby scalliwag

Has made my life a living hell.

[He grabs one of Bart's legs as he sings and dangles the boy upside-down while pulling him close to his face.]

Surely, if I drank his blood,

I'd be at peace... but, well...

[removes the tape from his mouth and sings] You've grown accustomed to my face?

This isn't a duet.

Sorry. [puts the tape back on his mouth]

I've grown accustomed to your fear,

Accustomed to revenge,

Accustomed to... your face.

[As he finishes, he carries Bart and sets him back to his bed, then leaps up at the edge of the bed before finishing and jumping out the window, landing on the ground as Bart quickly shuts the window.] We shall meet again, old friend. But now, I must steal away into the night. [gets shocked by the remote's button that is repeatedly pressed by the birds on its nest, showrunner credits appears. Starting the credits. After the credits, Gracie Films logo appears and 20th Century Fox Television appears at the end of the episode]

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[Little Richard is on stage]

Homer

Purple Rain!

LRLittle Richard

SHUT UP!

Homer

[excited] Michael Jackson told me to shut up.

S14 Special Edna

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[The Simpsons watch Homer's personalized movie for Lisa: "The Adventures of Lisa Simpson, Girl Cowboy". In it, we see Lisa's face, with tongue sticking out, crudely pasted onto a cowgirl's body. The animation is really choppy.]

CCowgirl

Howdy, pardners! My name is Sheriff...

HVHomer voiceover

Lisa Simpson!

CCowgirl

I sure am hungry for my favorite food...

HVHomer voiceover

McNuggets!

I don't like McNuggets! I'm a vegetarian!

Homer

Still? Well, then you're not gonna like your other present.

[Pans to a turkey in wrapping paper on the floor]

[In the film a male cowboy rides up]

CCowgirl

Why, it's my best friend...

HVHomer voiceover

Maggie!

Huh?

[A bartender enters]

BBartender

Bad news, Sheriff...

HVHomer voiceover

Lisa Simpson!

BBartender

Some Indians took all the...

HVHomer voiceover

McNuggets! Mmmm... McNuggets... [drools]

CCowgirl

I'll get those no-good Indians, just as sure as my favorite book is...

HVHomer voiceover

Magazines! [snores]

BVBart voiceover

Wake up, Dad!

HVHomer voiceover

Huh? Wha?

[The screen goes to static before an angry Lisa turns off the TV]

S14 The Dad Who Knew Too Little

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RWRanier Wolfcastle

Do you need some assistance picking over the tattered remains of my life?

Homer

Nope, I'm good. Hey, your early porno movies! Eh, are any of these hetero?

RWRanier Wolfcastle

What's there is there.

S14 Strong Arms of The Ma

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[Homer is in bed. A toned Marge walks in, lustfully]

Say, Homie, how about a good luck snuggle before my competition tomorrow?

Homer

[feeling trapped] Erm, listen my bulky flower, I have an early day tomorrow and...

[Gets on top] I wasn't asking. [Veins bulging. She rapes Homer]

[the next morning]

Homer

Morning kids, I made your lunches.

Where's Mom?

Homer

Your Mom has a lot of stuff to shave. [walks off hobbling]

S14 Strong Arms of The Ma

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You know, most people pray silently.

Homer

Marge, he's way the hell up there!

S14 Pray Anything

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KBKen Burns

[on a TV documentary about himself] I've never actually been to a baseball game. The fresh air gives me hives.

Homer

DIE, MONSTER!!! [changes channel]

S14 Pray Anything

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How could you make me Baby Stink-Breath and not even tell me?

Homer

I was going to tell you on my deathbed.

Honey, you did have a great time doing those commercials, and you made a lot of money.

I did? Where is it?

Your father invested it in the college trust fund which, today, must be worth a fo...

Homer

[interrupts Marge] La la la la la la la la la!

[groans in embarrassment] Of course, the stock market's been down lately, but there must be some sort of...

Homer

[rudely continues interrupting Marge] La la la la la la la la nothing left la la la oh.

You spent all the money I earned?

Homer

I needed it. I had to buy back some incriminating photos. Look.

[Flips through photos of Homer holding Bart over a railing a 'la Michael Jackson and then dropping him]

Homer

See, you're fine, and then... [shows the final photo, depicting Bart missing] whoops! Uh-oh! Look out! Oh! I know this looks bad, but if you reverse it, Daddy's a hero. See? [reverses the sequence] Watch... I saved you!

S14 Barting Over

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Bart, you're suing us?

Yes, I wanna be emancipated.

Homer

Emancipated? Don't you like being a dude?

No, Dad, it means Bart would be a legal adult and free to move out of the house.

I wanted a sewing room, but not like this. Not like this!

Mom, you've always been cool to me, but Homer is a lousy dad and I'm not gonna take it anymore.

Homer

Hey, my dad was lousy and I didn't sue him. I just dumped him in the cheapest home I could find.

[Cut to the Springfield Retirement Castle where Abraham is on a hospital bed]

AAbe

Hey! My IV is empty, and my catheter is full!

[The employee carelessly switches urine and IV bag in opposite places]

EEmployee

See you tomorrow.

S14 Barting Over

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[At the trial, the Blue Haired Lawyer holds up a doll commonly used in child molestation cases.]

BSBart's Lawyer

Bart using this doll, will you show the court where your father stolen money from you?