Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Marge

Cheer up! So you're not good at sports. It's a very small part of life.

Homer

Sports-sports-sports-sports-sports-sports-sports-sports. Marge, Bart rides up in the front seat today because he's a good guy at sports.

Marge

Homer, I think Lisa could use a little cheering up. How about let her in front too?

Homer

[shrugs, to Marge] I tried.

Bart

C'mon dad; lets go throw the ol' baseball.

Homer

Sorry Bart, I'm taking Lisa out for a gellati. We'd ask you to come but...ya know.

Homer

Ehh, somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on the gummi Venus, so I grabbed it off her. Oh, just thinking about that sweet, sweet candy... [drools] I just wish I had another one right now. But the most important thing is-

That, is really great Mr. Simpson. We got everything we need.

Homer

Somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on- her- sweet can... so I grabbed- her- sweet can... -Oh, just thinking about- her- can... -I just wish I had- her- sweet, sweet- s-s-sweet can...

So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense? (a paused shot of Homer is seen) Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further. (the frozen image of Homer begins to slowly zoom in] No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me! Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson, noooo! (the screen freezes on the screaming Godfrey)

Dramatization, may not have happened.

Grampa

Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?

Homer

Never mind, you wouldn't understand.

Grampa

Flu?

Homer

No.

Grampa

Protein deficiency?

Homer

No.

Grampa

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?

Homer

No.

Grampa

Unsatisfying sex life?

Homer

N-- Yes! But please, don't you say that word.

Grampa

What? [shouts] Sex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had sex.

Homer

[groans]

Homer

Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could’ve been something more than I am. Like a travel agent, to a great scientist, or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm.

Grampa

Who are you to complain? You locked me up in a home and give me the same damn shower safety seat every Christmas.

Homer

Your whole life, you've never said one nice thing to me.

Grampa

That's cause you're a screw-up.

Homer

You're the screw-up!

Grampa

Why you little... [proceeds to strangle Homer, who eventually thrusts him away]

Homer

All right! All right, that's it! We're going home! I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic.

Grampa

If I hadn't take that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I would have been happy! YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT!

Homer

[angry] GET OUT.

Grampa

I'm sorry I said that.

Homer

[still angry] OUT.

Grampa

[gets out of the car] I'm going to get out of the car and I hope you find it in your heart not to drive aw-

Grampa

Well, I'll be alright as long as I can remember my army training. [scene cuts to middle of the night with Grampa still stranded on the same stretch of open road] Dang! [a lone wolf is heard howling in the distance]

Marge

Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?

Homer

Of course not, Marge. Just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident, he didn't wanna have me.

Marge

You didn't wanna have Bart.

Homer

I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child!

Marge

You tell Bart all the time. You told him this morning!

Homer

But when I do it, it's cute!

Bart

Homer, your half ass under-parenting was better than your half ass over-parenting.

Homer

But I'm using my whole ass!

Lisa

Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be... scary.

Homer

Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.

Bart

I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking".

Lisa

That's what I assumed.

[to Homer] And I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox.

Homer

"It's Raining Men"?!

Yeah, not no more, it ain't. [throws the record out the window which lands into Smithers' car]

Ow! [looks at the record] Ohhh.

Bart

Cheer up, Homer.

Homer

Can't.

Bart

Okay!

Marge

What if you pretended that this couch were a bar? Then you could spend more nights at home with us. Huh?

Homer

I'm not going to dignify that with an answer.

Lisa

Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?

Homer

Yes! Cris-a-tunity. You're right. I've been wasting my life away in that dump for years. That's it! I'm going to find a new bar to drink in, and I'm going to get drunker than I've ever been in my entire life! Bart! Where's my wallet?

Bart

[pulling it from his own pocket] Right here, Dad!

Homer

Thank you!

Homer

Ooh, this looks like a nice, friendly place.

Sam, you're too old to go on a date with two twins on the same night you're supposed to marry Diane, without Rebecca knowing.

Okay Carla, I'll make you a bet; if this affects my major-league comeback, I'll sell the bar.

Hey Woody, get me a beer.

I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore.

Just give me another beer, you brain-dead hick! [stands up and smashes a bottle] I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you!

Woah, settle down, Normie! Gotta save those pipes for karaoke!

I love you guys! [weeps as the Cheers theme plays]

Homer

Wait a minute... There's something bothering me about this place. [gasps] I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit! Enjoy your deathtrap, ladies. (leaves)

What was her problem?

Homer

The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm going to have to quit drinking.

Yay!

Homer

Shut up, liver! [punches himself in the liver] Ow, my liver hurts.

We need a pilot, pronto! Who wants to fly to the Windy City?

Conditions are a little windy.

You! [points at Homer]

Homer

But I...

Hey! You're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are you?

Homer

Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here.

[laughs] You flyboys, you crack me up.

Homer

But I keep telling you, I'm not a pilot!

And I keep telling you, you flyboys crack me up!

Bart

You know, I have this feeling that we forgot something...

Grampa

[still on the airplane] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Homer

Eh, I'm sure it's nothin'.

Lisa

Mom, are you feeling any better?

Marge

Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it.

Homer

Permit me to solve the mystery: your mother has a fear of flying.

Bart

So much for the days when I could say, "At least my mother's normal."

Marge

Everyone has a fear of something.

Homer

Not everyone.

Marge

Sock puppets!

Homer

Where!? Where!? [screams]