Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Dad! Remember when we asked you if we could go to Itchy & Scratchy Land and you said it'd be too damned expensive?

Homer

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just bought. Fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book, everyone's a sinner. Except for this guy.

S6 Itchy & Scratchy Land

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[Ordering at a restaurant]

I'll have a brain burger with extra pus, please.

Bart!

Homer

Eyeball stew.

Homer! We just got here and already I'm mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior.

I was just ordering a cheeseburger, Mom. They have violent names for everything here.

[relieved] Oh, I see. [looks at the menu] Alright...hmm... I'll have the baby guts.

SServer

Psh. Lady, you disgust me. [walks away]

Mom, that's veal.

Oh...

S6 Itchy & Scratchy Land

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I have nothing to say to you.

Homer

But Marge, I was a political prisoner!

How were you a political prisoner?

Homer

I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?

S6 Itchy & Scratchy Land

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Homer

I know what you're up to, Mayor Terwigiger, and no-one in my family's gonna stand for it. [foghorn sound]

AAbe

[on Matlock Ex. with Jasper] Move your goldarn house, son!

S6 Sideshow Bob Roberts

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[Tuesday. The Simpsons are driving up a long mountain road to Mr. Burns' summer house]

Homer

Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there.

Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house?

Homer

D'oh!

[Wednesday]

Homer

Well, it's been two long trips, but were finally almost there again.

When you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?

Homer

D'oh, d'oh!

[Thursday. The family is indifferent about the trip and they aren't saying anything]

[gasps] Oh, no! We left Grandpa back at the gas station! [no reaction] What about Grandpa?

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Homer... Homer? [sees a typewriter a single page in it] What he's typed will be a window into his madness. [reads] "Feelin' fine." Well, that's a relief.

[Lightning flashes, showing "No Beer and No TV Make Homer Go Crazy" written all over the walls and ceiling.]

Hmm.. this is less encouraging...

Homer

HELLO!

[screams]

Homer

[lights on] Well what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I'm thinking along the lines of "No Beer and No TV Make Homer... something something".

Go crazy?

Homer

DON'T MIND IF I DO! [makes an assortment of weird noises, then starts chasing Marge]

[Marge runs to break glass behind her and grabs bat inside]

Stay away from me, Homer!

Homer

Gimme the bat, Marge! Gimme the bat. Gimme the bat. C'mon. Gimme the bat! Gimme the ba-ba-baooululuulu. Heh-heh-heh. Scaredy-cat. LERRRR~!! [makes a scary face, looks at himself in the mirror, and scares himself as he screams and falls down the stairs, knocking himself out]

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[Homer chops through a door with an axe.]

Homer

Hereee's JOHNNY! [notices the room is empty] D'oh!

[Homer chops through a different door.]

Homer

Daaaavid LETTERMAN! [sees Grandpa, who finally found his way to the house after being left at the gas station earlier in the story]

AAbe

Hi David, I'm Grandpa.

Homer

D'oh!

[Homer chops through a different door with a ticking clock in hand.]

Homer

I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley! All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!

FFamily

[screams]

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Homer

You know, Marge, I've had my share of troubles, but sitting here now with you and the kids in our cozy home in this beautiful free country... It just makes me feel that I'm really a lucky guy.

DAD!!! YOUR HAND IS JAMMED IN THE TOASTER!!!!

[When Homer realizes this everyone screams as Homer attempts to whack the toaster out of his hand]

Homer

OH GOD, GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

[as the toaster falls off Homer's hand, he gasps for relief and slumps down on the floor]

DAD, IT'S IN THERE AGAIN!! [Homer frantically attempts to whack the toaster off him again]

Homer

AHHH, NO!!! AHH!!! IT'S STUCK ON MY HAND!!! [screaming incoherently]

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[after Homer time-travels back in time with the repaired toaster]

Homer

Look at that! I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time!

[Mr. Peabody and Sherman appears beside Homer]

PMr. Peabody

Correction, Homer, you're the second.

SSherman

That's right, Mr. Peabody!

PMr. Peabody

Quiet, you.

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[Homer sees his timeline is now in a fancier home.]

Homer

D'oh! I mean, hey!

Good morning, father dear. Hope you're well.

Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today?

Homer

Hmmm. Fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan? Woohoo! I hit the jackpot! Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut?

Donut? What's a donut?

Homer

AAAAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!!

[just as Homer leaves in the time machine, it starts raining donuts outside]

[gasps] It's raining again.

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Good morning dear!

Homer

What's my name?! What color is the sky?! What of donuts?! What?!? For the love of God tell me!

Homer! The sky is blue! Donuts are plentiful! Friday is TGIF night on ABC! What's gotten into you?

Homer

Nothing. Nothing at all. Let's just eat.

[as they sit down to eat, they begin using their lizard-like tongues]

Homer

Eh, close enough.

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[Homer has just awaken and is in heaven as he stuffs his face with food. Moe knocks on the pantry door.]

MMoe

[through the door] Homer? It's Moe. Uh look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward.

Homer

Can't murder now, eating.

MMoe

Oh, for crying out loud... [enters with a group of horror characters] Come on.

[Homer screams as Moe's gang of ghouls consisting of a mummy, werewolf, vampire, Freddy Kruger, Jason Voorhees and Pinhead carry him out against his will.]

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[Lisa trips in the snow while being chased by an axe-wielding Homer, spots a handheld TV]