Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

[dressed as Santa with Bart on his lap] And what's your name, Bart...ner....uh, little partner?

Bart

I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

Homer

[angry] I'm Jolly Old Saint Nick!

Bart

Oh, yeah? We'll just see about that. [tries to pull off Homer's fake Santa beard]

Homer

D'oh!

Bart

My turn. Kwyjibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O, 22 points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here. [about to leave]

Homer

[grabs Bart's arm] Wait a minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.

Bart

Kwyjibo. Uh... [looks at Homer, who lets go of his arm] a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.

Marge

And a short temper.

Homer

[turns red in anger] I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [angrily chases Bart]

Bart

Uh-oh! Kwyjibo on the loose!

Bart

[singing] Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor. Please use the cuspidor. That's what it's for.

Marge

Bart, stop fooling around. Homer, stop encouraging him.

Homer

Don't stifle the boy, Marge. We're supposed to encourage him.

Marge

Shush!

Homer

Who's the lard butt?

Lisa

He's the bullfighter.

Bart

No way a bull's gonna miss a target that big, man.

Bart

Dad, I got to tell you something, hope you won't be too mad.

Homer

What is it, son?

Bart

I'm not a genius, dad.

Homer

What?

Bart

I cheated on the intelligent test. I'm sorry. But I just wanna say that the past few weeks have been great! Me and you've done stuff together, you've helped me out with things, we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, dad, and I think if something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad.

Homer

[pauses; turns red in anger] Why you little...! [chases his son angrily]

Bart

Uh-oh! [runs screaming]

Marge

What's going on out there?

Lisa

I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.

Marge

Oh, well.

Homer

[pounding on the door] You can't stay in there forever!

Bart

[locks the door] I can try!

Homer

[pounding] March your butt right out here! Now!

Bart

[hops on his bed] No way, man!

Homer

[continues pounding] Bart! I-! [stops himself with a crafty smile] Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better.

Bart

[sits on his bed, reading comic books and drinking soda] You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that?! I'm insulted!

Moe's Tavern.

Bart

Is Mr. Freely there?

Who?

Bart

Freely, first initials I. P.

Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I pee freely! [the customers laugh] Wait a minute...Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!

Homer

You'll get that punk someday, Moe.

I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.

Homer

Afternoon, Mr. Burns!

Mr. Burns

Ah, hello there, uh..uh....

Homer

[whispers to Smithers] Simpson, Homer.

[gives cue card] Here you go, sir.

Mr. Burns

Ah! Oh, yes. Oh, and this must be your lovely wife... [reads] Marge. Oh, and look a little...Lisa. Why, she's growing like a weed. And this must be... [lifts his thumb covering Bart's name] Brat!

Bart

Bart.

Homer

Don't correct the man, Brat!

[to Homer] Well, if you had been paying attention, perhaps you would have noticed that your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure, an ogre, if you will.

Marge

Now, Doctor, that's not true.

Lisa

Ogre is such a strong word.

Bart

Right on, Doc! Another successful diagnosis.

Homer

That does it!

Whoa! [takes the lamp from Homer with a chuckle] Okay, you want to kill each other. That's good. That's healthy.

Homer

Do I smell cupcakes? [opens the oven] Ooh, do I ever!

Marge

Uh-uh, Homer. Lisa's making these for her teacher.

Homer

Ah. Say no more. [closes it and seconds later Bart opens it]

Bart

Yum! Don't mind if I do!

Marge

Bart! [drags him back into the kitchen]

Bart

Oh, man!

Marge

Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!

Bart

I guess I should do that.

Homer

What?! And violate the code of the schoolyard?! I'd rather Bart die!

Marge

What on Earth are you talking about, Homer?!

Homer

The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see: Don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do, and what else...?

Homer

Lisa! What did I tell ya about playing that saxamah-thing in the house?!

Lisa

I was just playing the blues...Dad. [sobs]

Homer

[now feeling sorry] Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Go ahead, play your blues if it'll make you happy.

Lisa

No, that's okay, Dad. [sniff] I'll just work on my fingering, unless my fingers clacking on the keys is too loud for you.

Homer

Let's hear it. [Lisa starts clacking for a while] You just clack as loud as you want, Lis.

Homer

Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm late for work! [lifts Maggie and looks underneath]

Marge

Oh, Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.

Bart

Did you check the den?

Homer

The den! Great idea! [heads into the den with Bart following him and he begins to pull couch apart]

Bart

Warm. No, cold. Colder. Ice cold.

Homer

You know where my keys are?

Bart

No, I'm talking about your breakfast. [laughs]

Homer

GRRRRH!!!

Bart

Did you check the rumpus room?

Homer

Rumpus room? Great idea! [runs to front door] Huh?

Lisa

Oh, Dad? [points. The keys are still in the door lock]

Homer

D'oh!

Lisa

Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.

Homer

That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.

Homer

Is that a good siren? Am I approved?

Bob

You ever known a siren to be good? [chuckles] No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren. That's the computer in case I went blind, telling me, "Sell the vehicle to this fella, and you're outta business." That's what the siren says. It seems that the Ultimate Behemoth is a wee bit out of your price range. And wee bit is me being polite, you couldn't afford this thing even if you lived to be a million.

Homer

Don't you have something that isn't out of my price range? I don't want to go away empty handed, Bob.

Bob

Take it easy, there. Don't ruin this feeling I'm getting from you. Perhaps I can show you something a little more you.

Homer

[weighs himself again after six months] OH, NO! 239 lbs?!? I'm a whale! Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats? [more serious] Well from now on, exercise every morning, Homer! [stretches in front of the bathroom mirror]

Marge

[enters] Ohhh...Don't strain yourself, dear.

Homer

Good idea, Marge.