[Later, SpongeBob is walking home, back to Bikini Bottom, at night.]
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. [says "Buzz" fourteen more times as he walks up to the Krusty Krab door with a "Closed" sign and sees a plate full of Krabby Patties on a table] Krabby Patties. Buzz. Buzz. [walks past Sandy's treedome, then he sniffles] Sandy. [still saying "Buzz," walks up to his pineapple] What have I done? I had a great life and friends, and I gave all of that up.
[SpongeBob opens the door. The light turns on. Mr. Krabs, Sandy, Squidward, Patrick, and Gary are there to welcome him home.]
KPMr. Krabs, Patrick, and Sandy
Welcome home, SpongeBob! [Squidward blows a party blower]
You guys are the best! I made a huge mistake. Please forgive me!
Ah, quit your blubbering and have a Krabby Patty. [hands him a Krabby Patty]
Don't mind if I do. [eats it as Mr. Krabs places his Krusty Crew hat on his head]
And I'll see you at work first thing tomorrow morning.
[salutes] Aye, aye, captain!
SpongeBob, do us all a favor. [hands SpongeBob his pants]
Don't mind if I do! [puts on his pants] Ta-dah. [hugs Squidward] Aww.
Okay, that's enough. [everyone else hugs SpongeBob and Squidward]
Could we please stop this? [everyone except SpongeBob starts to feel something]
Patrick itchy! [everyone but SpongeBob starts to scratch themselves and crawl on the floor]
[SpongeBob's doorbell rings]
Company! I hate company. [rushes to the door] Who's there?
Patrick... go away! I never want to see you again! [giggles, but Patrick starts to cry]
[sobbing] SpongeBob doesn't like me anymore!
[opens the door] That's right. You're my worst enemy.
[Patrick falls to the ground and bawls]
Patrick, you're not really not my friend. It's just Opposite Day!
Opposite Day? Hey, I've heard of that!
Well, whatever you normally do, today you do the opposite.
Oh! Let me try! Let me try! [holds his breath for about 6 seconds then turns purple]
Patrick! Patrick, breathe!
[Patrick takes a deep breath in and pants]
Not that opposite. Let me show you how to do it the wrong way!
I don't get it. I made my house a mess, which was making it clean, which made Squidward clean my yard, but that really means he's messing it up. But the opposite of clean is filth, which means filth is clean, that means Squidward is really making my yard a wreck, but I normally wreck my own yard which means, Squidward is being the opposite of Squidward, which means he's SpongeBob! A-ha! I understand everything now! I must be the opposite of SpongeBob, by being... [Disguises himself to look like Squidward; talks like him] Squidward.
Hey! I wanna be opposite, too!
[SpongeBob puts some coral on Patrick to give him a Squidward nose.]
Yeah! Finally! Yoo-hoo! I'm Squidward! I'm Squidward! Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!
Wait. It's not enough to look like Squidward to be opposite. [mimics Squidward] You have to act like him too. Boy oh boy, do I like playing the clarinet. I practice and practice all day long but I never get any better. [own voice] Now you try.
Okay. [inhales, beat] I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
I'm Squidward. I'm Squidward. I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!
[Spongebob plays Squidward's clarinet for the realtor]
RRealtor
Okay. I really don't want to hear another one.
[talking like Squidward] Okay. [plays the clarinet again]
RRealtor
I really don't want to hear more, thank you.
I hear you loud and clear. [When SpongeBob play the clarinet the third time, Squidward opens the door]
Stop! Get away from her! [to the realtor] Oh, I am so sorry, Ma'am. I hope these two [turns to SpongeBob and Patrick] barnacle heads [turns back to the realtor] haven't harmed you in any way.
RRealtor
What kind of fool do you take me for? [points to Patrick] He's Squidward. [points to SpongeBob] He's Squidward. [points to Squidward] You're Squidward? I'M SQUIDWARD! Are there any other Squidwards I should know about?!
[with a pickle on his face imitating Squidward] Meow.
RRealtor
I'm out of here.
Ma'am, please! What about my house?
RRealtor
I wouldn't sell a house for you if you were the last Squidward on Earth!
[screams, runs out of his house, and holds onto the realtor's leg and skirt. The realtor is dragging him, as she's about to leave] No, no, no, no, no! Please sell my house!
RRealtor
NEVER!!! [drives away]
Don't leave me here! [starts crying]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Happy Opposite Day, Squidward! We hate you!
[looks livid then calms down] Let me show you guys how much I HATE YOU.
[Squidward leaves; the ground rumbles and SpongeBob and Patrick scream and run off; reveals Squidward driving the bulldozer used to dismantle SpongeBob's house with; the two run away]
Patrick, do you ever feel that Squidward likes us too much?!
[Squidward laughs evilly as he continues chasing them as they run away into the distance, ending the episode]
Uh, good evening and welcome to the first annual Squidward Tentacles Talent Show, sponsored by the Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty, because no one else would give it a home. [a rimshot plays and Patrick bursts out laughing] Uh, thank you, heh. Our next act is living proof that nepotism is alive and well. [another rimshot plays and Patrick laughs again]
It's happened! [laughing]
Heh, thank you. Uh, put your fins together for... [Patrick cracks up laughing very hard. Bashes on the table with laughter, shaking dinnerware. He falls off his chair] Put your... [Patrick laughs] Put... [Patrick laughs] Pearl. [crowd applauds]
Hooray! [the curtain rises for Pearl, dressed in cheerleader uniform] My little girl is finally a star.
Give me a K-R-U! [jumps up and down on the stage causing the crowd to fly up and down with her] Give me a S-T-Y! [jumps up and down again] Krusty Krab! [jumps up and down] Krusty Krab! [jumps up and down] Krusty Krab! [jumps up and down]
[he, Patrick, and SpongeBob's parents get tossed up and down. Mr. Krabs appears happy] Now that's what I call talent! [Krusty Krab floor is destroyed]
Thank you, [chuckles] thank you!
I'm winning. I'm winning!
It's not about winning, it's about fun!
Fun is when you... [thinking to himself] fun is... it's like... it's kinda... sorta like a... what is fun? I... let me spell it for you. [singing while showing the letter "F"] ♪ F is for friends who do stuff together, [cut to a bored Plankton, then cut to SpongeBob showing the letter "U"] U is for you and me, [as the letter "N" while performing a cartwheel] N is for anywhere, anytime at all ♪
SSingers
[the letters "F" and "U" reappear next to SpongeBob] ♪ Down here in the deep blue sea ♪
♪ F is for fire that burns down the whole town, [cut to SpongeBob, visibly scared] U is for uranium... Bombs, [cut back to Plankton] N is for no sur-vi-vors, WHEN YOU--- ♪
Plankton! Those things aren't what fun is all about. Now, do it like this: [does some wacky dance moves] ♪ F is for friends who do stuff to-- ♪
Never! That's completely idiotic!
Here, let me help you. [grabs Plankton hands while helping him dance] ♪ F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me ♪ [stops singing] Try it!
[performs a cartwheel] ♪ N is for anywhere, anytime at all ♪
SSingers
♪ Down here in the deep blue sea ♪
Wait, I don't understand this, I feel all tingly inside. Should we stop?
No! That's how you're supposed to feel!
Well, I like it. Let's do it again!
[the scene cuts to the flower beds] Okay!
SPSpongeBob and Plankton
F is for frolic through all the flowers, [cut to Plankton inside a ukulele. SpongeBob is dressed Hawaiian style] U is for ukulele. [cut to the two at a Noses shop] N is nose-picking, [cut to SpongeBob blowing gum with Plankton inside] sharing gum, [cut to SpongeBob licking sand at Plankton] and sand-licking, here with my best buddy. [cut the two having fun with the "FUN" letters in the background] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[At the Krusty Krab, Mr. Krabs is looking through a telescope at SpongeBob and Plankton.]
SpongeBob, may I speak to you in private? [to Plankton] You won't mind if I set this here, will you?
[Mr. Krabs puts a plate with a Krabby Patty on the table and pushes it toward him]
What's this all about, Mr. Krabs?
He's a thief. Look at the lust in his eye, he's...
Why can't you just accept our friendship?
He's just after me recipe. I'll prove it to you. [walks up to Plankton] Ah, you must be hungry after that long walk over here.
Oh, yes, but I'm saving my appetite for some popcorn at the movies.
[Mr. Krabs walks off then comes back to push the plate closer to Plankton. He uses a fan to get the smell to Plankton.]
We've had enough of your little tests, Mr. Krabs! [turns the fan off] Come on, Plankton, let's get out of here. [they both walk away]
Maybe the lad was right. Maybe Plankton's gone straight...
[Suddenly, the Krabby Patty on the table falls over, revealing it to be a cardboard prop; he realizes Plankton's friendship is a ruse]
And maybe scallops will fly out of my pants! [jumps into the boat that serves as the cash register stand, takes a pair of oars, and starts rowing it] Hang on, lad, I'm a-coming!
SpongeBob, I have a confession to make. [takes off towel from his head]
No, I'm not bald! I'm alive! Now get rid of that tombstone and tell all your friends to go home!
Go home. [everyone leaves] But I, Master--
I'm not your master, I'm your neighbor! Now do me a favor and stop doing me favors!
Boy, he really had us fooled.
No, Patrick. He's the fool. He's a ghost in denial. He needs us now more than ever!
You're right. He really needs to get up to the great beyond.
[annoyed] No, what you said before when you...
No, what you said before when you...
Never mind! I've got an idea.
Never mind! I've got an idea.
PKPearl Krabs
[walks up outside the ladies restroom] Sponge, are you okay?
[crying] Messed everything up.
Don't worry SpongeBob, ya didn't mess everything up.
Actually, it was pretty funny when that hot dog landed in Judy's hair.
[crying] All I wanted was for you to have a good time.
But I am having a good time! You know, we haven't finished our dance yet.
[whimpers] Can I still wear the wig?
Yes, you can still wear the wig.
[runs out and grabs Pearl to the dance floor] Let's go!
Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward.
Okay, I'll bite. What is it, SpongeBob?
Do you know what today is?
[laughs] No, silly. [gets out a calendar] That's on the 15th. [points to a picture of Squidward's head on the calendar] Today is the beginning of the judging for Employee of the Month.
SpongeBob, don't you know that award is a scam?
Mr. Krabs gives you that award, so you'll work harder for no extra money.
That is not true, Squidward. He gives it to me because I work harder. You could win it too if you tried harder.
Oh, for what? To get my face on the Wall of Shame? [shows wall full of SpongeBob pictures for being Employee of the Month]
No! [begins to cry for losing an award and falls on his knees] How could I have let the quality of my work slip so much?
SSpongeeBob
An experienced employee of the month always keeps a [lifts up his Krusty Krab employee hat to reveal a silver brick of lead inside it] brick of lead in his hat.
I won't let Squidward win. [the next shot is from SpongeBob's point of view. He sees Squidward setting his alarm clock, yawning and walking off] He can't go to work if he doesn't wake up. Target sighted.
[SpongeBob and Squidward are trying to drag along some big items. SpongeBob is dragging an anchor and Squidward is dragging a flaming boat.]
SpongeBob? Truce? [both wave a white flag]
SpongeBob, I can't take it anymore. If we keep this up, neither of us will win the award!
You're right. We should save our energy for work where we really need it. [it’s now dawn]
Okay, let's have a good clean fight.
And may the better man win.
[They shake hands smiling]
[thinking] He's nothing but a lying, boneless, ink-squirting, big-nosed phony.
[thinking] Look at that bucktooth, corn-fed smile, you can't trust him as far as you can throw him.
[thinking] As soon as he stops shaking my hand...
[thinking] ...I'm gonna make a run for it.
[SpongeBob and Squidward stop shaking hands, laugh nervously, and hastily run for the Krusty Krab where Mr. Krabs is opening it up.]
Money, money, gonna make some money! [sees SpongeBob and Squidward come running over] Ah, it warms me wallet to see me employees coming in so early. Boys, you're early. Huh? [realizes that they aren't stopping for anything] Wait! [both push Mr. Krabs out of the way and start doing nice stuff]
LOOK, MR. KRABS! CLEAN FLOORS!
CLEAN TABLES, MR. KRABS! [presses too hard on the table while he is cleaning and breaks it in half]
What's going on here? [SpongeBob drops and breaks the dishes and mops them just like that]
IT'S MUCH MORE EFFICIENT TO CLEAN DISHES THIS WAY, MR. KRABS!
FLOWERS AND CHOCOLATE FOR YOU, MR. KRABS!
LOOK, I'M PUTTING MY OWN MONEY IN THE REGISTER, MR. KRABS! [SpongeBob puts his money into the register. Squidward and SpongeBob are in the kitchen] 2 SPATULAS TO INCREASE PRODUCTIVITY, MR. KRABS! FASTER, SPONGEBOB, FASTER!
THERE'S NOTHING TO THIS PATTY FLIPPING, MR. KRABS! I'LL EASILY DOUBLE YOUR OUTPUT, SPONGEHOG!
Boys, boys, boys! [music gradually speeds up; both SpongeBob and Squidward make many patties to overflow the kitchen, cornering Mr. Krabs] Help! Help! [the amount of Krabby Patties fills up the kitchen and the Krusty Krab itself, causing the whole restaurant to explode, sending thousands of patties raining down in front of the citizens]
Hey, free Krabby Patties!
[with his head bursting through one of SpongeBob's employee pictures] Wait, you've got to pay for those. Wait, wait, wait! Boys, the Krabby Patties! [SpongeBob and Squidward come through the picture frame that Mr. Krabs is in and ask him who is the winner, while Mr. Krabs is still complaining about the Krabby Patties]
SO, WHO'S THE WINNER OF EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH?!
ME, ME! IT'S ME! [SpongeBob and Squidward continue calling out simultaneously about who is the winner]
Boys! Wait! Boys, the Krabby Patties! Boys, wait! [the three continue to argue as the episode fades to black]
Halloween is no different under the waves. Pirates, skeletons, and sea monsters. [laughs evilly] Ohh, sorry. Everyone having fun. Well, almost everyone.
[At the Krusty Krab, SpongeBob is washing dishes in the kitchen. The door creaks open and SpongeBob jumps in surprise.]
[The door creeks open some more as SpongeBob goes back to washing some dishes. He turns around and sees 3 pieces of paper spelling out "boo" turn on the ordering turntable. SpongeBob speeds up the cleaning of the dishes until he finishes.]
Ok, Mr. Krabs, the dishes are done, I’m leaving! [tries running out but Mr. Krabs stops him in his tracks]
Hold on! Don’t you want to hear my annual scary story?
No thank you, Mr. Krabs. Uhh, does it have monsters in it?
Aye, the worst monster of them all.
Uhh... no. [opens the door then turns around] Is it a true story?
Okay, maybe just a little.
Have a seat, me boy. [sits on a log. Mr. Krabs puts a campfire in the middle of them] Every year on Halloween night, the Flying Dutchman descends on Bikini Bottom, in a pirate ship, just like... this! [holds up a Krabby Patty] Only bigger!
Excuse me, did his ship look like a Krabby Patty?
Like I was saying, The Flying Dutchman swoops down and starts stealing people’s souls. [holds up a pickle]
Do souls look like pickles?
Aye, as a matter of fact, they do. And he puts them where you can never get them...in his soul bag.
[Drops the pickle into a bag that has the words "Krusty Krab" crossed out and the word "soul" written above it. Mr. Krabs laughs evilly while Squidward appears behind SpongeBob in a pirate suit.]
I’ve come for your pickle.
[SpongeBob sees Squidward from behind him and jumps up shrieking.]
Ha! Scaredy Pants gets easier to scare every year! [he and Squidward both laugh]
