Hi, Squidward. I mean, goodbye, Squidward! Aw, isn't Opposite Day...terrible? [laughs]
[growling] I'll tell you what's terrible: living next to you! You're the worst neighbor in history!
Wow, that's the nicest thing Squidward's ever said to me.
“Opposite Day” · Season 1
In this episode: Abrasive SpongeBob (5), Patrick (4), Squidward (2), Gary (1)
[SpongeBob's doorbell rings]
Company! I hate company. [rushes to the door] Who's there?
It's Patrick!
Patrick... go away! I never want to see you again! [giggles, but Patrick starts to cry]
[sobbing] SpongeBob doesn't like me anymore!
[opens the door] That's right. You're my worst enemy.
[Patrick falls to the ground and bawls]
Patrick, you're not really not my friend. It's just Opposite Day!
Opposite Day? Hey, I've heard of that!
You have?
No! What is it?
Well, whatever you normally do, today you do the opposite.
Oh! Let me try! Let me try! [holds his breath for about 6 seconds then turns purple]
Patrick! Patrick, breathe!
[Patrick takes a deep breath in and pants]
Not that opposite. Let me show you how to do it the wrong way!
[SpongeBob and Patrick are talking backwards]
.kcirtap, yeH (Hey, Patrick.)
.pu evig I (I give up.)
!edis etisoppo eht ot teg oT (To get to the opposite side!)
[Both laughing backwards]
I don't get it. I made my house a mess, which was making it clean, which made Squidward clean my yard, but that really means he's messing it up. But the opposite of clean is filth, which means filth is clean, that means Squidward is really making my yard a wreck, but I normally wreck my own yard which means, Squidward is being the opposite of Squidward, which means he's SpongeBob! A-ha! I understand everything now! I must be the opposite of SpongeBob, by being... [Disguises himself to look like Squidward; talks like him] Squidward.
Hey! I wanna be opposite, too!
[SpongeBob puts some coral on Patrick to give him a Squidward nose.]
Yeah! Finally! Yoo-hoo! I'm Squidward! I'm Squidward! Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!
Wait. It's not enough to look like Squidward to be opposite. [mimics Squidward] You have to act like him too. Boy oh boy, do I like playing the clarinet. I practice and practice all day long but I never get any better. [own voice] Now you try.
Okay. [inhales, beat] I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
I'm Squidward. I'm Squidward. I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!
[Spongebob plays Squidward's clarinet for the realtor]
RRealtor
Okay. I really don't want to hear another one.
[talking like Squidward] Okay. [plays the clarinet again]
RRealtor
I really don't want to hear more, thank you.
I hear you loud and clear. [When SpongeBob play the clarinet the third time, Squidward opens the door]
Stop! Get away from her! [to the realtor] Oh, I am so sorry, Ma'am. I hope these two [turns to SpongeBob and Patrick] barnacle heads [turns back to the realtor] haven't harmed you in any way.
RRealtor
Who are you?
Why, I'm Squidward.
RRealtor
What kind of fool do you take me for? [points to Patrick] He's Squidward. [points to SpongeBob] He's Squidward. [points to Squidward] You're Squidward? I'M SQUIDWARD! Are there any other Squidwards I should know about?!
[with a pickle on his face imitating Squidward] Meow.
RRealtor
I'm out of here.
Ma'am, please! What about my house?
RRealtor
I wouldn't sell a house for you if you were the last Squidward on Earth!
Wait!
Don't...
Go!
[screams, runs out of his house, and holds onto the realtor's leg and skirt. The realtor is dragging him, as she's about to leave] No, no, no, no, no! Please sell my house!
RRealtor
NEVER!!! [drives away]
Don't leave me here! [starts crying]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Happy Opposite Day, Squidward! We hate you!
[looks livid then calms down] Let me show you guys how much I HATE YOU.
[Squidward leaves; the ground rumbles and SpongeBob and Patrick scream and run off; reveals Squidward driving the bulldozer used to dismantle SpongeBob's house with; the two run away]
Patrick, do you ever feel that Squidward likes us too much?!
HAPPY OPPOSITE DAY!!!!
[Squidward laughs evilly as he continues chasing them as they run away into the distance, ending the episode]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.