TV show quotes
All right, first, I'm going to give you something so simple, a person without a brain could even get it done right.
Phew, that's good, 'cause I lent my brain to Patrick for the weekend.
Really?
No, not really...He traded me these two chocolate bars for it.
I don't care! Just use this paint to cover up that faded spot on the wall right there. Don't touch anything else!
Okay.
Who's Nick? Sorry, Squidward. I couldn't wait any longer, I've gotta use your toilet. No questions! Thanks [enters the bathroom he groans and flushes the bathroom] [after using Squidward's toilet] Uff! I wouldn't go in there for a couple days...or weeks.
All right, I play a mean belly. [plays his belly as a drum; as he plays the William Tell Overture, it sounds as if he's playing a professional timpani drum]
Hey, Plankton, can our first song go like this? [makes a loud bass sound] And then turn into one of those songs that goes… [emits a high pitched screech loud enough to shake the camera and temporarily incapacitate Plankton]
[after spotting Plankton stealing the secret formula] Wait a minute...was this band just a front so you could steal the Krabby Patty Secret Formula?
What? No, I was in it for the music, man!
Hello, and welcome to a very important evening. Tonight's event is entitled: Pennies, for the penny-less. And before the following images are shown, I would ask each of you to look not look with your eyes, but with your heart. [Mr. Krabs shows some images] 3 dimes ($0.30), 2 nickels ($0.20), 1 quarter ($0.25), 0 pennies. And since I realize the images seen here tonight may be wretchedly hideous, I am going to tell you what you can do to end this travesty. You can donate one penny to me: Mr. Krabs. Also known as: Mr. Krabs, the man who doesn't have one.
[Mr. Krabs starts crying and SpongeBob is crying too]
Mr. Krabs...?
[cheered up] Yes?
I would like to donate a penny....
You would?
IF I ONLY HAD ONE!!! [cries harder as Mr. Krabs screams inside his shell]
SpongeBob, I just wanted that penny you found on the street yesterday. Oh, I'm sorry.
Mr. Krabs, that wasn't a penny! [laughs]
It wasn't?
[takes out the "penny" he picked up] No, that was just a dried up piece of gum for my collection! I think it's peppermint.
Ah ha ha ha ha hooooooooo hoo. I feel so relieved! There was no penny after all! Well, I'll be going now, You can keep the metal detector, SpongeBob. See ya!
Thanks, Mr. Krabs. Hear, Gary. You can play with it. [Gary sniffs it, then blows raspberry at it, then walks away, the gum then absorbs it] Hey, this isn't gum or a penny at all. [pulls it out, revealing that it is a $500 bill] It's just a dumb old $500 bill. This won't go with my chewed up gum collection! [throws the bill over his shoulder and walks away annoyed] Ah well, good night, Gary.
[He discards the dollar; however, Mr. Krabs is still convinced there's a penny around]
[digging some holes] Penny, must have buried it around here somewhere! I'll just have to keep digging...!
I assure you, I am well rested and ready to learn. Who knows, Mrs. Puff? Before the day is out you may have learned something yourself. [Mrs. Puff smells SpongeBob's odor and sprays "Shower in a Can" on him and he smells better] Hey, Mrs. Puff?
Yes, SpongeBob?
I made this for you.
Made what?
[holds out a model of a boat so small it is practically a dot on his hand] This - the H.M.S. Pinafore! At 1:8,427th scale of course.
SpongeBob, I don't know how, [her face turns into a smile] but you did it. You saved us all. Let's get off this thing. [Cut into a scene where they get off the ship] And the way you pulled the anchor out, genius! I never thought I'd say this, but here's your driver's license. [SpongeBob screams and slowly grabs the license]
Oh, boy! At long last!
What are you doing here? [SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff look] No one should be on board while I'm tugging the museum into port.
You mean, he's not driving this thing at all?
Heck, no! [Mrs. Puff rips the license, SpongeBob saddens and pulls off the hat, looking at it; to SpongeBob] Now, don't get so down, kid! Look, for your false bravery, I'm giving your honorary Sea Legs, okay? Come on, let me buy you an ice cream. [the boat alarms softly which cuts to the scene where the headlights are on]
Oh, gosh. [chuckles] Headlights are on! [runs back into the ship]
Don't touch anything, you twit! [SpongeBob gets back on the boat]
Run! [The ship flips sideways]
[inflates then turn to SpongeBob who pops up beside her] Good thing you studied. [Episode ends]
Welcome one and all, to the first biannual big arena of annihilation! [everyone cheers]
All right! [Patrick is about to eat a sausage, when the lionfish growls at him, Plankton laughs]
That pink dimwit doesn't stand a chance with those sausages around his throat! As soon as the smell of sausage hits that ravenous lionfish's nostrils, he'll be all over Patrick like mold on a shower curtain!
Boring! [throws a tomato at the ground] I want to see some body parts!
This is ridiculous! I order a simple brutal mauling for my denizens, and I get a circus act!
Ten dollars?! Why would I pay ten dollars, when I can go across the street and get a Krabby Patty for one dollar?
Now, I've been waiting for 20 years to have the amount of customers Krabs sees everyday! And I won't let that be ruined because the show's "boring," or the food's "inedible." So sit down, enjoy the show, and BUY SOME CHUM!
I think that it's safe to say that no matter how diabolical Plankton's plans may be, he'll never have the loyalty of me good customers.
One Krabby Patty, please.
But of course, my good customer. That'll be ten dollars.
Ten dollars? What happened to one dollar?
Ahem, perhaps you'd like to speak to our financial expert. [the "financial expert" is the lionfish that was chasing Plankton, Scooter is scared, and gives Mr. Krabs $10]
[muttering] Stupid inflation.
Thanks for your business.
[Everyone laughs for about half a minute, they then gradually stop and get bored, then walk away, the lion then growls, and the episode ends]
Patrick, what are you doing here?
I don't know. [smiles wanly] I'm funny.
[looking at his score with a triumphant but sleepless face] I did it. [kisses the score and laughs] Yes! [runs out of his house in an ecstatic delirium] I did it! I did it! I did it! And I did it! Ha ha ha ha!
[watching Squidward run out the door as SpongeBob sews his butt and laughs] Did what?
[Squidward runs over to the stadium]
Here you go, maestro, my masterpiece.
[looks at the score; in a German composer accent] Hmm, oh, very unusual. I think we have a winner, Mr. Tentacles! [Squidward smiles, cuts to later where Squidward is about to conduct his song]
Good evening, music lovers of Bikini Bottom. Tonight, is the premiere of a new symphony, written by one of our own, Squidward Tentacles.
[Squidward walks up on stage and starts conducting his composition, everything is fine until he hears Patrick using a tongue depressor on himself. Squidward looks at his music and, much to his shock and dismay, finds out that there are drawings of SpongeBob and Patrick on it.]
[gasps] Huh?!
[It turns out that Squidward inadvertently wrote down everything he heard from SpongeBob's doctoring. The music is then followed by Patrick hitting his own knee with a hammer and screaming while SpongeBob times his reflex]
I wrote down everything I heard?! [gulps and looks at the audience, SpongeBob drops a brick on Patrick's leg, then an anchor]
Oooo! That's gonna leave a mark! [Squidward sweats in embarrassment]
[SpongeBob puts on a rubber glove then squeaks a rubber duck near Patrick as he screams, then uses the x-ray, then the laugh machine, then reading magazines, then SpongeBob plays with his brain, then he's reading magazines again, then using the x-ray again, then the laugh machine, then the duck, then the magazine, then playing with the brain. This process repeats twice, second time shorter time. Throughout the performance, Squidward continued to conduct the orchestra while barely paying attention to his conducting, due to SpongeBob and Patrick distracting him with their odd procedures to each other. SpongeBob then uses the blood pressure pump to inflate Patrick, he loses control of the air in his body and starts flying around like a balloon, smacking into Squidward as the song ends]
That poor guy. [as Patrick sits up straight on Squidward after deflating, the song comes to an end]
Patrick, get off of me! [Patrick does so, Squidward growls at him, then looks at the audience, Squidward begins to sadly walk off the stage, but then everyone begins cheering]
Oh, now that's what I call music!
That little yellow guy is awesome!
Let us not forget the tubby starfish!
Oh, yeah, but the real genius is the composer! [all chanting] Squidward! Squidward! Squidward!
Wow, Squidward, they really liked you! Just don't get a "swelled head." [Squidward's head begins to inflate, because Patrick is using the blood pressure pump, causing Squidward to look at him suspiciously and then we can hear an explosion as the screen cuts to black, ending the episode]
Squidward? [Squidward wakes up, and then freaks out when he sees SpongeBob sitting on him] How does one become normal?
Well, how about you start by... [cuts to outside of his house where he kicks SpongeBob through the wall on top of the house, angrily yelling] GETTING AWAY FROM ME YOU LITTLE CREATURE?! [closes his window]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
