SpongeBob SquarePants quotes

Hey, Eugene, where's that little fry cook of yours?

He thinks you're taking his job, so he's run off!

Hey, great idea! And you can give me a raise! [both laugh it off]

SpongeBob

[watching from the freezer] Look at them. Mr. Krabs is probably offering Jim my job right now.

[stops laughing] Well, I better go find him. [SpongeBob comes out] Spongebob!

SpongeBob

Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. I was just leaving. I'm not fit to inhabit the same kitchen as Jim. So it is with a heavy heart that I relinquish my position as fry cook.

What are you thinking, SpongeBob? I'm not taking your job!

SpongeBob

But you're the greatest fry cook in the world! The Krusty Krab deserves better than me.

Both those statements are true, SpongeBob, but there's a reason I left the Krusty Krab. It all started on a warm summer evening. Business was slow, so Squidward and I were having one of our famous bowl sessions...

We should open our own restaurant and stop relying on old man K's pockets.

Squidward

No, thanks. I'm just doing this until my clarinet career takes off.

What if it never does? Don't you wanna have something to fall back on?

Squidward

Yeah! Ha! I could lose my beautiful, flowing hair, too, but I'm not buying a wig yet. [his hair suddenly falls out]

Well, while you go wig shopping, I'm gonna go talk to Mr. Krabs. [Walks into Mr. Krabs' office] Hey, Mr. Krabs, you gotta second?

Anything for you, Jimmy, me boy. Cop a squat and lay your wreck and tell me what's on your wig, Jim.

Cut the gas, Krabs, and dig this: I've been bustin' my conk for you. You better lay on some extra gravy, or I'm going to agitate the gravel.

What now?

You know, lay a patch.

Excuse me?

Give me a raise, or I'm quitting!

A raise? That's not in my "Hiptionary." Help me get with it, Jack.

Stop talking like that!

These sideburns aren't real. [rips them off]

I need more money in my paycheck at the end of every week! Capiche?!?

Squidward

My hair! My beautiful hair! My hair! My hair!

Aye, it's still as funny today as it was then. [sighs]

You see, SpongeBob, you've got one quality Jim will never have: You're cheap.

SpongeBob

Wow! I never thought about it that way!

SpongeBob

[reading a book] And slowly, ever so slowly, the ancient crypt door creeps open, and from the festering brine of the darkest darkness, crawled forth monsters of such vile nature, whose appearance was so hideous and threatening, that the author died trying to recount them in this novel! [gasps and closes the book] That story sure is scary. But it's only a story, right, Gary? [A terrified Gary quakes and falls on his side. SpongeBob picks him up and puts him into his bed next to him.] Why don't you sleep up here tonight, Gary?

Mermaid Man

Oh, fiddlesticks SpongeBob, do you know how hard it is...in our advanced age...to move? Don't shine a giant light in the sky unless there's a real emergency.

SpongeBob

We're all alone, Patrick, no light, no shelter. [he and Patrick begin crying, then we hear a rooster crows as the sun rises up]

Patrick

I've got to put on my teeth and brush my pants!

SpongeBob

Look, Patrick, Squidward fixed it. [both run over and hug Squidward] How can we ever thank you?

Patrick

Yeah, how can we thank you? [giggles]

Squidward

Move to another neighborhood.

Squidward

No! No, I didn't! It was SpongeBob! He's infected the entire Krusty Krab!

Let us apprehend that careless contaminator!

Gary

Meow. [sees SpongeBob inside getting attacked by the Krusty Krab fish]

SpongeBob

[crying] Ohhhh, noo! [the fish body slam SpongeBob's bubble, which make holes that the Ick leaks through] Stop! You're pushing out more of the Ick! [the unknown fish the other fish make a final body slam] No!

[laughing] Oh, stop it! You're tickling me, Squidward!

Squidward

It's not me, Mr. Krabs!

SpongeBob

Gary B. Snail! Don't you know it's impolite to feed off of other people without permission?

He's just doing his job, SpongeBob! He's a bottomfeeder, remember? See? The little feller licked me clean! I'm cured and he'll clean the Ick off any surface...even Squid!

Whoa! Me next!

Where are your manners? It's ladies first!

Patrick

I believe the expression is starfish first.

I supersede all of you! For I have an exotic accent.

Hey, hey, hey! There's no need to fight! Cause I have a solution I'll be happy with. [later...] Step up to be de-Icked! Only $5! [the first fish steps up, and Gary cleans him] Now can I get you a Krabby Patty?

[whacks Mr. Krabs with his glove] In the light of today's events, that notion is crass and offensive. [pulls out money] I'll take 2, please.

Alright!

SpongeBob

[gives Mr. Krabs the money] Here you go, Mr. Krabs!

Another $5 for another de-Icking.

SpongeBob

Look, Gary! You made me all sparkly! You're the best bottom feeder a sponge could ever have!

Aye, and a great money maker ya are, too. Now, back to work!

Gary

[burps loudly then he realizes is full, and then smiles] Meow.

SpongeBob

Good one, Patrick! [both laugh] There's just one thing I don't understand.

What's that, laddie?

SpongeBob

That. [points to 2 Patricks laughing beside each other]

SpongeBob

Ah, perfect. [moves from behind Squidward in the road and drives in front of him]

Squidward

Hey, use your mirrors, fool!

SpongeBob

Mirrors? Oh, that reminds me. I haven't adjusted this one yet. [adjusts it to where the light in the reflection blinds Squidward]

Squidward

Ah! I can't see! Oh! [puts on sunglasses and laughs] Aah! [sees a brick wall and crashes then turns into a live action of a crash test dummy] Ow.

Gus

Good day, young sir! My name is--

SpongeBob

[pops up from under Gus' hat] Gus!

Gus

He's right! This guy's so good, you should give him a prize.

Squidward

[grabs SpongeBob] How in Neptune's creation do you know all these names, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob

Well, I simply compile the name of every customer in this book. [holds up a book called "The Customers of The Krusty Krab and Why I Love Them. By SBSP"]

Squidward

[grabs the book] Thanks, SpongeBob!

Squidward

Hello, my name is Squidward. So, what's your name?

What Zit Tooya. ("What's it to ya?")

Squidward

Uh, it's just that I was going to enter your name in our sweepstakes! So, what should I put down?

First and last name?

Squidward

Sure.

Yeah, why don't you write this on your form: WHAT ZIT... TOOYA! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!

Stop, thief!

You know that guy?

Hardly. He stole my wallet.

What?! That makes him a dual offender! Let's get him!

Squidward

[crazily] His driver's license! [starts laughing] At last! At last and your name is "Mr. What Zit Tooya"? [sees his driver's license revealing his original name] What kind of ridiculous name is that?!

It's my ridiculous name! "WHAT ZIT TOOYA"!

[hits Squidward on the head with his baton as he falls down] That's enough of that ballyhoo. [handcuffs Squidward]

Squidward

But I didn't intentionally do anything wrong.

Tell it to the judge, lawbreaker. [puts Squidward in the police car as the siren blares and it takes off]

Squidward

SpongeBob at the Krusty Krab? Wait a minute, if he's living here, than that means he won't be living next to me! [falling gently] Hoooo. [lands in what appears to be flowers and making a angel formation] Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! [the "flowers" turn out to be pots and pans, Mr. Krabs watches in confusion from the fry cook window]

[to himself] Hmm, there must be a full moon.

[shocked] He didn't! Floral print curtains in me office?! [gets mad] That's it! That's the last straw! I'm not putting up with this any longer! [rips the curtains revealing Margaret showering] Oh. I'm sorry. [bumps into Harold]

Harold

What's going on in here?

No, I... [Harold beats him up]