TV show quotes
[Cut to Krusty Krab where SpongeBob enters with medieval clothes on]
Good townspeople, let us rejoice in welcoming our new king.
[enters, wearing his crown and a royal cloak] King needs food badly.
What's this all ab...? [gasps. Sees Patrick's crown and dollar signs appear in his eyes] Well, well, well. What can I do for you, Patrick?
The king would like...
Zip it, SquarePants...I'm talking to the rich guy.
I'll have ten Krabby Patties, a Krabby milkshake, large fries...
I've got a better idea.
Patrick, what's happened to you?
I don't know what you mean.
Uh... [laughs] You know, Mr. Krabs is probably wondering where I am...and...
And what...
[intimidated of Patrick's rage] And, um, well...it's just that, um, you're kinda being a jerk.
Huh? [laughs] I thought you were going to say I was abusing my power.
Uh... well, I...
[explodes] Who's saying I'm abusing my power?! [SpongeBob shrinks and Patrick rips off his cloak] I'll put the whole town in prison! [SpongeBob runs away] Questioning my authority is treason! All these giggly speeches are making me thirsty. SpongeBob, I request a drink. SpongeBob? [claps twice] SpongeBob?! Huh. Gee, everybody's gone. I'm all alone. Fine, I'll get it myself! [walks by the mirror, and his reflection looks like a monster]
Knock knock.
Huh? [gasps] A knock knock joke! [he runs back to the mirror] Who's there?
You.
I don't get it.
I'm you and you are me. [a wire in Patrick's head connects and short circuits]
[screams] What have I become?! [Patrick races out of his rock]
Aaah, help! Monster! Monster! [he bumps into the Royal Ministry starfish] Huh? Oh, it's, it's you! [he thrusts the crown at the starfish] Here, here, take it. I don't want it anymore. It's turned me into a monster.
Oh, I think I know what's going on here. Patrick, with great power comes great responsibility. [Patrick is shaking and whimpering] You haven't a clue what I just told you, do you?
No. Uh-uh.
Oh, just as well. I've come to take the crown back, as it seems that you aren't royalty after all.
Huh?
[takes out family history] I've discovered this coffee stain, which upon removal, reveals that Sir Gary is the true heir to the king's crown. [he removes the stain to show Gary's picture on the family history parchment. Bubble transition to Gary having a crown put on his head, SpongeBob and Patrick dressed in medieval clothes]
Well, would you look at that. Gary, you're royalty!
[smiles] Meow?
Bloodthirsty bikers? And they're headed straight for Bikini Bottom! I've got to warn everybody! I better take the shortcut!
[SpongeBob rides on the bubble transition to inside the Krusty Krab.]
Mr. Krabs!
SpongeBob! Where in the blue barnacles did you come from?
There's no time for that, Mr. Krabs. Grab something heavy! Bar the door! Board up the windows. We've got to protect the Krusty Krab. The Krabby Patties must survive!
Settle down, son. What are you all riled up about?
Bikers... coming... nasty... ferocious... take... over... town. Destroy... must hide!
What are you going on about? Bikers?
The Wild Ones are coming, Mr. Krabs. They're the most vicious, ravenous horde of hooligans in the sea.
Ravenous did you say? That's another word for hungry, isn't it?
[scene cuts to the laboratory of the Chum Bucket with Kelpshake on a plate where a sample of the drink goes through a tube, into chemistry bottles, and finally into Karen where she begins a D-N-A scan]
What's the secret ingredient, Karen?
Well, it appears that the main ingredient is: Kelp Juice.
Just kelp juice?
And to think this whole time I could've been selling these meself!
You? What about me? If anyone, I deserve to make a buck of selling this stuff.
[removes the glass container and takes kelp juice] No way, pipsqueak. This gold mine is mine.
Not if I can help it. [jumps at Mr. Krabs, but goes between his eyes and splatters into the wall] Ow.
[cackling] Nice try. [about to take a sip]
I wouldn't do that if I were you; There's another ingredient.
Hey, I paid good money for this thing! Of course I'm gonna drink it. [takes a sip then spits it out] What the...?! I don't get what the big deal is. This tastes like a wet gym sock.
Really? Let me try that. [Plankton sips the drink and puckers his lips] Actually, there is a bit of a pungent aftertaste.
Hmmm. [sips again and puckers his lips] Hey, you're right. This ain't half bad. [takes another sip and laughs] This is amazing.
Well, don't be selfish. [sips and laughs] Oh yeah.
Oh no...
[he sips in the rest of the drink until he sucks in the cup] Krabs, we're all out of juice!
Well, we gotta get more!
You're making a big mistake!
Ah, phooey! You don't know what you're talking about! [he walks out with Plankton] ♪Kelpshake, Kelpshake. Oh, how I love a Kelpshake.♪
[runs up crying covered in yellowish-green fur] What's happening to me?! [Mr. Krabs and Plankton gasp in shock when they see SpongeBob covered in green kelp and he's naked] They've shut down the Kelpshakes restaurants! [nearly crying as he runs off]
Huh? [they both see workers sucking out all the liquid which is toxic waste in the Kelpshake restaurant that says "CLOSED FOREVER"]
It'll take decades to clean this hazardous material up.
I sure feel sorry for whoever drank this. [Mr. Krabs screams as he is growing yellowish-green kelp fur just like Plankton is, then Plankton screams]
Look at us!
Now what are we going to do?
I don't know about you... [Plankton takes out a mini helicopter propeller] but I'm going back to what I do best. Stealing your recipe! [laughs]
Hey, wait a minute! Plankton!
[flies into Mr. Krabs office where the safe is. He tosses the propeller and laughs] Come to papa. [Mr. Krabs opens the door]
Hold it right there! You're not going anywhere... [opens the safe] without a ten second head start!
It's good to be home!
You said it.
[laughing while he runs off as Mr. Krabs begins to chase him while having fun] I love being hated!
Hey, get back here you little booger! [laughs]
Oh, that reminds me. I got you a present.
A present? What is it?
[pulls out a bear with a microphone in its hand.] It's a Confess-A-Bear. He's a special friend you tell all your secrets to.
Wow, thanks, SpongeBob!
I'll just leave you two alone to get acquainted.
[He leaves and walks behind the pineapple to talk through the microphone]
Hi! My name is Confess-A-Bear! Tell me all your secrets!
Um... I did something recently I'm not very proud of. I didn't mean to do it. It just sort of happened.
Oh, maybe you should talk about it!
Well, it involves my best friend SpongeBob. I don't think he knows what happened, but it would really upset him if he found out.
TELL CONFESS-A-BEAR!!!
I've said too much already.
TELL CONFESS-A-BEAR NOW!!! NOW!!!!!
AAAGH!!!! I ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKED SPONGEBOB'S TOOTHBRUSH IN THE TOILET, AND THEN I PUT IT BACK ON THE COUNTER WITHOUT WASHING IT!!!!! ...Confess-A-Bear?
[Suddenly, SpongeBob appears in the background, running and yelling as he tries to rid his tongue of bacteria]
You're mad at me, aren't you, Confess-A-Bear?
Patrick wouldn't steal Ol' Reliable... Would he? [imagines Patrick from earlier]
I would kill for a net like that! [takes out a carrot, breaks it in half, and laughs maniacally]
Aah! Have I been best friends with a master thief? I must know for sure.
SpongeBob! Oh, thank goodness you're here. There was this scary guy with a mustache asking a lot of weird questions.
Patrick, I'm the scary mustache guy!
Aah! Why, SpongeBob, why?! Why would you wear such a scary mustache?
Why did you steal my jellyfishing net?!
[offended] WHAT?! I'm your best friend!
You were my best friend, you no-good jellyfish net thief!
How could you think that?!
Because you said that! You said that it was "YOUR FRIEND SPONGEBOB'S!!!"
[pauses, takes out the case] ...gift.
[confused] What?
It's my friend SpongeBob's GIFT! [opens the case revealing a handmade net] I made you a new net.
"For SpongeBob"? You made me a new jellyfishing net? That is so thoughtful of you! Patrick? What'cha doing, best friend?
I'm not your best friend, I'm a no-good jelly netting thief fish!
Where are you going?
I'm leaving Bikini Bottom, while I still have my dignity!
How about Duck, Duck, Hermit Krab? Hopscotch? Squidward Says? Steal The Bacon? Sleeping Sea Lions? Sharks and Minnows? Sink the Submarine? Kings and Queens? Mahjong? [Squidward is beginning to fume so he picks him up and shakes him] Whoa, I've never played this game before. What's it called?
It's called, "I will never play with you EVER!" [throws SpongeBob in a hole and moves the refrigerator over it]
Everybody dance! [continues dancing in the air, and everyone follows. The music stops, SpongeBob spins him into a spotlight, and he takes a bow]
That was awful! [confetti rains down as they all cheer for Mini Squidward and walk away] He stole my jokes, he stole my job, he stole my standing ovation!!! [points to Mini Squidward] YOU LITTLE WOODEN FIEND!! STOP STEALING MY LIFE!!!!!! [repeatedly punches, stomps on, and chomps on Mini Squidward all while SpongeBob is still holding onto him, who falls on the ground]
[shows up, stopping Squidward] Stop, stop! Don't gnaw on the head of my new client, please!! You don't know what you're doing! ARE YOU MAD!??!!??! HAVE MERCY!!!!
[The episode starts at night as the camera focuses on the trio of houses on Conch Street while zooming in on SpongeBob's house while the song "The Best Day Ever" starts to play. Inside, he is asleep. The sun quickly rises outside, turning night into day, and SpongeBob awakens as well.]
[gasps] A reserved seat? Next to my friends? I made it! All I have to do is sit down and...
[Just as he sits down, everyone applauds as the curtains close, marking the end of the show, and SpongeBob completely loses it.]
[Yells in frustration shaking his fists up making a rumbling sound as everyone looks at him in confusion] No! [jumps on stage and tears the curtain] No! It is not over!
Huh?
This was supposed to be my perfect day. But then everything... [a fish gets up and starts to leave, but SpongeBob stops him as he screams] Sit down! [the fish does so] Then everything turned to doo-doo.
[he, Patrick and Sandy go upstage with him] It's okay, SpongeBob.
NO, IT'S NOT OKAY! [his yelling makes Mr. Krabs and Patrick flinch] This was gonna be my best day ever, starting with doing the best job in the world, working at the Krusty Krab!
Boy, you saved me barnacle the way you put the run on them nematodes!
[sniffles] Yeah, I guess so. But then I was gonna do karate with Sandy!
I know, but you saved the treedome! Pretty cool, if you ask me.
Well, I suppose. But then I was gonna go jellyfishing with Patrick!
But then you... Uh, what'd you do again?
And, I hate to admit it, but I suppose if you hadn't fixed my reed, the concert would have been a bust.
You see, SpongeBob, it's not about you or your perfect day or any of those things.
It's not?
No. [chuckles] It's about us!
It is?
Yep. And since you did such a good job, we wanna make it up to you.
You do?
So, just tell us anything your little heart desires, and it's yours.
How long do we have to keep this up?
Just till his little heart gives out, Squidward. Just till his little heart gives out.
Greetings. I am Robo 2.1, your personal robot servant. I am proficient in providing over 250,000 creature comforts. Would you care for a pastry? [shoots a pastry into Patrick's mouth]
Yum. Sweet, hot, and juicy. SpongeBob, this is a great gift.
What are those Neanderthals up to? [The scene cuts to his bathroom, where he is taking a bath] Don't they know I'm busy spoiling myself? [SpongeBob and Patrick open Squidward's door while he is in the bathtub] AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!! [pants]
You check over there, I’ll check in here. [checks in the bathtub Squidward is in] Find him yet, Pat?
[at the guillotine] Well, I guess this is it, Patrick.
I guess so. I'm gonna miss you, SpongeBob! [crying]
I'll miss you, too, buddy! [both sobbing as King Krabs crashes into the guillotine, breaking it]
[Dragon takes Princess Pearl away]
Daddy, help!
Pearl! [cries] Can no one stop this madness?! [sun shines on SpongeBob and Patrick] You two, my apologies. [kisses their feet] Most noble and valiant warriors.
I guess this is what you call the royal treatment.
[SpongeBob, Squidly, and Patrick all head to the bridge to stop the evil wizard, but a Dark Knight blocks their path]
[dark male voice] Halt! Who goes there?
Doth mine eyes betray me? 'Tis the nefarious Dark Knight! [sings] Oh, dark knight, spare us please, don't cut off our heads or boil our knees. Pray take these two and let me go free and I will give to thee some... cheese! [cow moos]
Dark Knight?
[dark male voice] I asketh once more. Before I rip thee limb from limb, reveal thyself!
I am SpongeBob and this is Patrick. [laughs nervously] We've been sent to rescue Princess Pearl from Planktonimor.
[dark male voice] If thou wisheth to get across, thou willst have [reveals herself as Medieval Sandy and speaks with a female voice] to get through me!
[gasps] Medieval Sandy! I know how to handle this: With a little karate! [both attack each other, but SpongeBob swallows Sandy then spits her out into a rock]
Whah! By the hammer of Odin, this be a new fighting style mine eyes have not yet seen.
I am bad! Oh, yeah! Whoo!
Doth thou tryeth to insult me? Thou willst drink from the fountain of shame!
Do you hear that, Patrick? I told you see zings like a squir... Whoa! [Dark Knight destroys the armor and throws SpongeBob into a rock. SpongeBob ends up having his legs and arms switched. He laughs] Good one, Medieval Sandy! But can you handle my feet of fury? [attacks Dark Knight, but the Dark Knight jumps out of the way as SpongeBob bounces off the rock and into Dark Knight sending her into the other rock. SpongeBob attacks her again, but the Dark Knight pins him against the rock]
Wouldst thou like a little rubdown? [as she is rubbing SpongeBob, it turns into dust causing the Dark Knight to cough. SpongeBob appears normal again and karate chops the Dark Knight as she crashes onto a rock. SpongeBob then walks up to her as he is about to finish her off] You have bested me, yellow knight... Strike quick and true, noble sponge...
I don't understand a word you just said! [laughs. Dark Knight turns into a real live action squirrel, but with the crosses for eyes as dead] Uh, Medieval Sandy, you don't look so good. Sandy? Sandy...? [screen turns black then water is thrown onto the Dark Knight] Patrick, it's working! Do it again. [Patrick gathers spit and spits it upon her]
Thou hath spared me, kind and noble sponge. And to thee, I owe a debt of gratitude, for I will follow you in your quest to defeat Planktonimor and learn a trifle of that karate.
Yeah, karate! Whah! Cha-cha! [karate chops Squidly in half]
Ow-eth.
SpongeBob, what are you doing in there?
[comes out of the bathroom in tears] Crying my eyes out...!
Well, hurry up! I gotta cry, too!
Why, Squidward?
Because when Jim leaves, I'll be stuck with you again!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
