TV show quotes
[walks into the Krusty Krab] Good morning, Krusty Krew!
[pokes his head out of the kitchen window, shouts] Hey, Patrick! You all ready for the big night out tonight?!
[shouts] Yeah, it's gonna rock!
Are you ready to go crazy?!
I'm already hearing voices!
Are you ready to...?!
[angrily yelling] SPONGEBOB! PATRICK! DO YOU MIND?!
Let's continue this conversation in private, Patrick! I think some people are eavesdropping!
Well, how rude of some people!
We used to beat people up for saying things like that. Everything's all topsy-turvy now.
You guys wouldn't know a good time if it bit you in the aft! I'm going home! You guys ain't cool, you're lame!!
[gasps] Lame?
Lame! You're nerds, geeks, creeps and babies.
Not 'babies.' [suck their thumbs]
I may be old, but even an old bag of shells like me knows that you haven't suggested one cool thing all night. So good night to ya. [starts to leave]
I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.
The what?
I said I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.
Panty raid? [walks back to them] You're talkin' about girls, right? [pause] Girl girls?
Yeah.
And you're talking about raiding their dressers...for their underpants, right?
Oh, yeah.
Well, count me in. If this works, I'll take back what I said about you two bein' lame.
Not lame!
[about to eat a nasty patty when suddenly the ambulance comes by] Oh look! An ambulance. Now then... [bites it; the scene cuts to him moaning on gurney being wheeled into hospital, suffering from food poisoning]
SpongeBob?
Yes, Mr. Krabs?
Make sure you wrap up that patty, I'm not finished with it yet!
Wait just a burger-flipping second!
[turns around angrily] Who dares back-sass the Flying Dutchman?!?!
That would be me: SpongeBob BacksassPants. I say you got the wrong crab. This Mr. Krabs is the most generous, big-hearted, non-skinflinted crab in the whole sea. [While SpongeBob speaks, Mr. Krabs is happy at SpongeBob's words]
He'd sell your soul for a couple of bucks.
I'd bet my soul he wouldn't.
You got yourself a bet. [to Mr. Krabs] Okay, Krabs, I'll let you stay, but first, help me settle a bet. If you had to choose between SpongeBob and all the money I have in my pocket, which would you take?
That depends. How much money we talking about?
Mr. Krabs!
[shows some coins] 62 cents.
I'll take the money.
MR. KRABS!!!!!
Here you go, Krabs. 62 cents. [hands him the change and picks up SpongeBob] Next stop: Davy Jones' locker! [SpongeBob screams as they both disappear]
[runs to Squidward, happy] Look, Squidward, money!
Mr. Krabs, I can't believe I'm saying this, but how could you trade SpongeBob for 62 cents!!??
You think I could've gotten more?
He stuck up for you, and you sold him out. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!!!
Gee, I wonder what Mr. Krabs has been up to since I saw him last and then went home to do nothing of particular interest 'til this very moment'.
You said you would bring Krabby the Clown. But all I saw out there was Cheapy the Cheapskate!!
Hey, I ain't cheap! [rubs the clown nose on his shirt, which turns red] Now, take this tomato back in the kitchen before it spoils.
But what about the true meaning of summer? What about the children?
[walks to the window and climbs out] The children? I don't care about the children. I just care about their parents' money. Ah, the fact that their feeble minds are easily manipulated by cheap playgrounds and talentless clowns is no skin off my nose. Survival of the Fittest, SpongeBob. Survival of the Fittest. [laughs]
Ahem.
Huh? [the children are standing behind him] Oh, hey kids. [smiles nervously] Uh... Uncle Krabs has to go to the bank now. Heh.
Get him! [all the kids run after him]
Are you crazy?! A dirt circle won't stop that monster! I'm running for my life! [does so]
No!
[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
Don't run! Sea bears hate that!
Thanks for the tip. I guess I'll just limp home, then. [does so]
No!
[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
They hate limping more than running!
[offscreen] Well, I guess I'll just have...
[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
I should have warned you about crawling!
[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
[offscreen] What'd I do that time?!
I don't know, I guess he just doesn't like you!
Pretend to be somebody else!
Here, draw a circle! [tosses Squidward the stick]
[offscreen] Okay!
[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
That was an oval! It has to be a circle!
Move over! [gets inside the circle; the sea bear comes up to Squidward in the circle, then notices the circle itself below before snarls as it points a threatening claw at him, and leaves] Hey, it worked! You guys saved my life! [everyone cheers "hooray"]
Yeah, I'm glad it was just a sea bear. This circle would never hold back a sea rhinoceros.
What attracts them?
The sound of a sea bear attack. [a sea rhinoceros appears, snorting]
Heh, good thing we're all wearing our anti-sea-rhinoceros undergarments. Right, Squidward?
Huh?
The most important meal of the day; serving it up Gary's way! Baa! Enjoy buddy. Hmm, you know, I've been feeding this to Gary for years and I don't even know what it tastes like. [tastes the snail food; his face turns green] BLEH!!!! [echoes]
[In snail food headquarters]
What is it, Peterson?
I don't know, I feel... a disturbance.
And that's how I got my identity back. Well, that's my story. [Ted yawns while the waitress checks her watch]
Well, you managed to kill eleven minutes.
[laughs] Thanks, uh... [looks at her name tag] Betty.
What? [looks down at her name tag] Oh, sweetie, I'm not Betty. I just borrowed her uniform while mine's at the cleaners. [SpongeBob looks at the camera, confused. The episode ends]
Can I have the secret formula?
No.
Okay. [walks away]
[voiceover] But he was persistent.
[comes back] Pretty please?
Uh-uh.
Krabs won't stand a chance against the staggering intellect of a million super-smart criminal masterminds! [doorbell rings] They're here! Welcome, brethren! [Plankton runs to the door and opens it with a big grin, which quickly fades into a look of disbelief; he sees a huge group of hick, redneck family members playing music; one of them begins to speak]
[hick drawl] Hey, look, everybody! It's cousin Plankton!
Yee-haw!
I've been away from home longer than I thought. [Clem runs up and shakes Plankton's hand]
[hick drawl] Well, howdy, cousin! [Plankton stares at his hand, which is dripping after his cousin shook it]
Uh...
It's me, Clem. O' course, you remember Zeke, Rufus, Jeke, Billy Bob, Billy Jim, Billy Billy Bo Willy Banana Fana Fo Filly, Doug, Enis... [Clem continues introducing the rest of the family; Plankton is crawling on the ground in exhaustion] Julio, Fletcher McGee, Rainchild, Zeke Junior...
Alright! I get it! I mean, uh, come inside. Make yourselves at home.
Oh, forget the key! Let's climb through this window. I can't reach it. Do you think you could hop up on my shoulders, kid?
[SpongeBob is wearing cleats] Sure! With these spiky cleats, anything is possible! [jumps onto the Strangler]
Cleats?! [SpongeBob's feet land on the Strangler's eyeballs. The Strangler screams in pain] GET YOU FEET OUT OF MY EYE SOCKETS!!
I'm trying, but my cleats are stuck in your corneas!
So. Patrick's the Strangler. Gee, you think you know a guy...
He's not the strangler!
He's not?
[rips off the fake mustache] I am!
Hey, how did you do that without a shaving cream?
Oh, it's a fake, you idiot! I bought it at the party store!
[Everyone suddenly came back]
Did somebody say "party"?
[The Tattletale Strangler screams and runs out of the house]
I can't take it!
[runs after him] Wait, bodyguard, I need protection! [the Strangler gets into a taxi]
Step on it! I'm being chased by a maniac! [SpongeBob chases after the taxi]
I'm not safe! Come back! D-ohh! [taxi goes to the Bikini Bottom Airport and an airplane takes off]
Finally, away from that guy.
[on the airplane a row behind the Strangler] Good idea, bodyguard. He'll never find us up here. [the Strangler jumps out of the plane hollering, he opens his parachute, but it is actually SpongeBob] Good thinking, bodyguard. The Strangler could have been on that plane. [the Strangler takes out a giant pair of scissors and cuts the strings off the SpongeBob parachute and plummets right into the Bikini Bottom Police Station jail. SpongeBob comes running up to him] Bodyguard, bodyguard!
Look kid! I'm not your bodyguard! [cries] I'm the strangler! See? [looks toward his "WANTED" poster on the wall]
AHHH! THE STRANGLER!
[the police officers walk up]
Good work, SpongeBob, you put the Strangler behind bars!
At least I'm safe from that yellow idiot.
Hey, Mack. [the Strangler turns and sees Patrick in the cell with him] What're you in for? [the episode ends]
No.
Wow, invisible spray!
[looking confused] But I can see it.
Gee, Patrick, just think of the pranks we could pull with this.
Well, let's get started.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
