[Stan and Kyle have just successfully completed the song "Carry on Wayward Son" on Guitar Hero as Randy walks in]
So you boys like this music, huh?
Yeah, dude, it's Guitar Hero!
Stan and Kyle are really good at it!
Well, you kids wanna see something really cool? Check this out. [takes out a guitar, plugs in his amp, and begins playing "Carry on Wayward Son" while singing] Once I rose above the noise and confusion / Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion / I was soaring ever higher / But I flew too high... / Though my eyes could --
[angry] Dad! Dad! What are you doing?!
I can actually play a lot of these songs on a real guitar. You want me to teach you boys how? [beams]
Cartman...Uh, that's gay, Mr. Marsh.
Yeah, that's stupid, Dad.
Cartman
Real guitars are for old people!
[Cartman, Kenny, Craig, Token, and Clyde are playing basketball; Craig fakes out Cartman and shoots]
Cartman
Stop cheating, Craig!
Cartman
'Cause you tricked me, you black asshole!
[Cartman, Butters, Kenny, Craig, Token, and Clyde all approach Bebe at the lockers]
Cartman
All right, Bebe, let's see the list.
Cartman
You know what I'm talking about, bitch! The list where you rate the looks of each boy in the class.
That's not for boys to look at. It's a secret girl list, and you can't see it.
Cartman
Craig is on the bottom, right? Or is it Kenny, 'cause you'd be eating Pop-Tarts for dinner if you married him?
[closing her locker; annoyed] I'm not telling! And anyway, I'm not the list keeper, Nelly is. And Nelly will never let you look it, so there! [blows raspberry at him and leaves]
Cartman
[blows raspberry at her in return and flips her off] Fuck you, Bebe! Fucking bitch!
Well, I guess we'll never get that list from the girls.
Cartman
Screw that, dude. We're guys. We can out-think them.
[Nelly walks down the hall and hears Craig blowing a horn and gets kicked in the shin by Butters]
NNelly
Ow! What you did that for?! [Butters kicks her again] Hey, what's your problem, asshole?!
Cartman
Bail! Bail! [back at his house in the basement] Okay, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot, primarily that girls do not have balls.
[in a sling and with a black eye, after being pulverized by Nelly] They sure don't.
Cartman
Never mind, because we are going to Plan B, one that I call, "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time." When Nelly leaves the cafeteria for recess, Kenny will jump in front of her and spit on the ground.
You think maybe girls keep their balls on the inside of their tummies?
Cartman
Butters, we're done talking about girls balls right now. Pay attention. [The next day… he, along with Craig, Butters, and Kenny, holding the list, run by] We got it! We got it!
We got the list from the girls!
[Stan and the other boys follow them]
NNelly
[angrily catching up to them] Give that back, you dirty buttholes!
[The boys enter the restroom where Kyle is washing his hands]
Cartman
Tape it to the wall, Kenny! Jason, watch the door!
[Kenny tapes the list to the wall and all the boys look over it]
It's listed in order from cutest to ugliest. Clyde's number one.
And then Token. And then me.
Come on, let me see, let me see! [looks through the list and finds himself as number 11] Oh, boy! I'm number 11! Whoopie! Number 11!
[finds himself as number 12 where Cartman is number 15, under Timmy and Francis] Ah! Look at that! I'm hotter than you, fatso!
Cartman
What?! That's bullcrap!
[Kenny joyfully finds himself as number 7]
Oh, so big deal, guys. You feel better now? Clyde's the best-looking kid in the class. And then Token and Stan. And last is Francis, Cartman, and… [finds himself on the bottom of the list as number 16, revealing he's been voted the ugliest; shocked] Me?
Cartman
You're last, dude! [laughs]
Cartman
Yes way, check it out!
Cartman, lay off. You're next-to-last.
Cartman
So? I'm hotter than Kyle! [walks off, gloating] I'm better looking than Kyle! Yes! I'm hotter than Kyle! I'm hotter than Kyle!
[deleted Scene, inserts immediately after Stan vomits on Wendy at the end of the episode. Wendy is smiling, despite Stan vomiting in her face, like old times]
You know, I'm glad this is over, but I feel like everyone is gonna wish they knew who was really last on the list.
Well, I guess we'll never know...except that I looked and it was Cartman.
[back at school, Cartman is sitting at The Ugly Kids's Table in the cafeteria]
Cartman
This is bull-crap!
[yelling from across the cafeteria and laughing] Hey ugly ugly! Did Adolf Hitler launch a Blitzkrieg across your face?
Cartman
Oh, well, that's fine! What really matters is the kind of person I am on the inside! [realizes what kind of person he is and gets dejected] Oh, goddammit. [bumps his head on the table. The kid that asked for Kyle's pickle earlier in the episode flat-out steals the pickle from Cartman's tray]
Cartman
It's over?
That's right, you did it.
Cartman
It's over. I didn't feel anything. You were right, Mom.
I'm so proud of you, Eric.
Cartman
All right, so where's my ice cream?
Oh. Here's the doctor now. Hi, doctor.
Cartman
You were right, doctor. Everything is okay.
DDoctor
No, it's not. Eric, I'm afraid that we've accidentally infected you with the AIDS virus.
Cartman
What's that supposed to mean?
DDoctor
During the tonsil surgery, we had to supply you with donor blood, a mistake was made and you were given blood contaminated with HIV. It was a one in a billion fluke.
Cartman
I have AIDS?!
DDoctor
Not yet, but we confirmed that you now have the virus that causes AIDS. We are very sorry.
Cartman
Sorry?! You gave me AIDS and you're sorry?!
Did Elton John sing a song for you?
Cartman
No, as a matter of fact, Jimmy Buffet came instead. (Kyle starts laughing) OH YEAH, IT'S REAL FUCKING FUNNY, KYLE!
(manages to stop laughing) I'm sorry. I'm-I'm really...Cartman, I-I feel really bad for you. Honestly.
Cartman
No you don't!
I do. (smiles and keeps from laughing)
Cartman
If you REALLY felt bad, you'd wipe that fucking smirk off your face! (Kyle tries to keep from laughing) WELL, ANY GODDAMN SECOND, KYLE!
I'm sorry, I gotta go home. (walks away while still laughing)
Little boy, are you sure you haven't taken it up the hoohoo just once or twice?
No! No, God damn it no! I'm telling you, you're wrong! There, there's no way I can have HIV! Unless maybe... [Kyle's eyes open wide at the realization that Cartman had deliberately infected him with the HIV virus] Oh my God. [his fear immediately turns into utter anger] THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
[Kyle hops off the bed and rushes out the door, ready to kill Cartman]
[cut to Cartman playing with the other kids on the school playground]
Cartman
Pass me the ball! Pass me the ball, Craig, you stupid asshole! [Kyle furiously shoves him to the ground] Kyle, what the F?!
[enraged] I'M GONNA KILL YOU, CARTMAN!!!
Cartman
Kyle, what?
Cartman
Oh, you have HIV, huh Kyle? Guess it isn't so funny now, is it?
Cartman
Nothing!
Then WHY did Butters say he helped you sneak into my room last Friday night?!
Cartman
Aw, nice going Butters, ya big tattle-tale!
TATTLE-TALE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS IS?!
Cartman
Well, Kyle, maybe I was just trying to prove a p--
[snaps] AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!
[Kyle snaps, lets out a primal scream, and starts beating the everloving shit out of Cartman, while the other students cheer him on]
[Approaches the fight] Hey! Hey, that's enough! Break it up, m'kay?! [tries to separate Kyle & Cartman] Break it up! Hm'kay?! [struggles, but ends up hoisting them away together at each other's throats] M'kay!
Cartman
Well he was being a total dick! And he's a big tattle-tale and going around and talking crap about me!
Did you infect Kyle with the HIV virus, yes or no?
Cartman
(Well,) Kind of.
Eric, that is not appropriate behavior. M'kay. You cannot purposely infect other kids with your disease.
That's right, I think you owe Kyle an apology.
Cartman
I'm sorry.
You're sorry for what, Eric?
Cartman
I'm sorry for giving you AIDS, Kyle.
That's better. And now, Kyle, you should also admit you were wrong for tattling.
Kyle, the thing about tattling is, eh, tattling's bad. M'kay, because nobody likes a tattle-tale, m'kay?
A tattle-tale?! HE INFECTED ME WITH AIDS!
Cartman
[While Kyle is breaking all of Cartman's belongings in his room] What the fuck are you doing?! Kyle, stop it! Goddamn it, don't! [Kyle approaches Clyde Frog and attempts to rip his head off] No! Kyle, not Clyde Frog! Leave Clyde Frog alone! [Kyle successfully rips Clyde Frog's head off] NO!! Aah! Clyde Frog! [Kyle approaches Cartman's Xbox 360] Clyde Frog you--No! NO!! Not the Xbox, Kyle! Not the X--wait! Just WAIT A SECOND! [Kyle disconnects Cartman's Xbox 360 from his TV and is just about to smash it on the ground until Cartman desperately runs in front of him] I'M SORRY I GAVE YOU HIV, ALRIGHT?!?! Just give me a chance, and I can cure you!
[still infuriated] There is no cure, you asshole!
Cartman
No, no! Listen, Kyle! I'm onto something. There really is hope.
Cartman
Break my Xbox, and you'll never know.
Cartman
NO! No! Al-alright, Kyle! Magic Johnson, Kyle! The key is Magic Johnson.
Cartman
He was a basketball player.
Cartman
So he got HIV like 50 years ago! And he's still totally fine! Magic Johnson has some kind of resistance to the virus, Kyle. I've been researching it since I got infected. If we can track him down and isolate his genetic prototype, we have a chance of beating this thing, buddy. [Cartman puts his arm around Kyle] You and me, Kyle. We can overcome our illness. I swear it to you!
[Somewhat convinced, while looking down on Cartman's Xbox 360] You better. Because if you don't find a cure for HIV, I will break your Xbox.
Cartman
[Stunned] My god...
Thank you for seeing us, Mr. Johnson. We were hoping that maybe you have some kind of key that can help us with our disease.
MMagic
You boys both have the virus? Are you sure?
Cartman
We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive.
Will you stop it with that?! What part of this is funny to you?
Cartman
Kyle, we need to try and find a--
What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?
Cartman
I don't think it's funny, Kyle.
Then stop you're not just sure, you're HIV-positive! This isn't funny! AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny, so shut the fuck up!
Cartman
Well, excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things seem their darkest you just need to try and stay..... HIV-positive, but if you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I--
Knock it off! Right now! This isn't funny! At all!
Cartman
[pause] Are you sure?
Cartman
[longer pause] Are you HIV-positive?
Excuse us. We're trying to take a picture of Britney Spears.
M2Man #2
Yeah. All you amateur photographers are making this tougher on the professionals.
Cartman
We're professionals, too, you fucking butt hole. [Kyle, Cartman, Stan, and Butters walk to the stairs]
PPolice Officer
Uh-uh. No one goes upstairs.
We, uh, we have special permission.
Don't you recognize us? We're Britney Spears' kids.
[in squirrel costume] Not me; I'm a squirrel!
[talking about middle-grade school students] Dude, you know what they're going to do to a middle-class white boy like you? They're going to end you. You only have one shot or your ass is on the line, good luck on that.
[Kyle, Stan and Kenny walk away]
Cartman
Maybe he's right. I'd better be careful, however. [later, Cartman is in the bathroom cutting his hair, then we cut to some scenes of a high school]
MMrs. Miller
Students, quiet. Quiet, please. [someone throws a spitball at her] Give me your attention.
HSHigh School Student
I'll give you my attention, all night long, Mrs. Miller. [everyone laughs, except Mrs. Miller]
South Park · 1,569 quotes
