[Knocks on door of Nessa and Mel and they answer]
DebbieOh, you guys have a kid too. Oh, we should have a playdate sometime.
Debbie
I'm Debbie. Gallagher? Fiona's sister?
Debbie
Yeah? So... Uh, how did you guys know that you were lesbians?
MMel
Really? [Turns and walks away]
You're a lesbian? Uh... What are all those keys for?
Debbie
I don't know. So confusing.
MMel
What is confusing about it? You either like girls, or you don't.
Debbie
I thought I did, but Alex--
Debbie
My ex-girlfriend. She says I'm bad at lesbianism.
MMel
[Reappears] That's- okay...
I don't even know what that means.
MMel
All right. Look at me. [Opens bathrobe to show body to Debbie]
MMel
Are you thinking about my pussy right now?
Debbie
I wasn't, but...
MMel
[Leans in and kisses Debbie] You like that? Then that's all the lesbian you need to be.
She means you like what you like, and none of the rest of it matters, okay?
Debbie
Hey. What you doing up there?
Putting away my stuff till I get back. Hand me those bags.
Debbie
You decide what you want to do today yet? I could call in sick from work.
Well, I don't think I want to do anything.
Debbie
Ah, come on, we got to do something. It's your last day of freedom.
Nah, I think I just want to hang at the house. You heading into the shop today?
I got a job as a sober companion for the next couple hours. Hey, uh, how about we ride the El up to Wrigley when I get back? Beat the shit out of some Cubs fans?
Yeah, I don't need more time added to my sentence. What's a sober companion?
I'm babysitting some rich lush, making sure they don't drink.
Anybody who can't stop drinking on his own is a pussy.
Debbie
We could take you to a gay bar and get you laid.
Pretty sure I'll get laid a lot in prison.
Yo, what are we doing today? My new lady and I are supposed to go work out, but I could cancel it.
Debbie
He doesn't want to do anything.
What? You don't want to steal a car, or drop bowling balls off a freeway?
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, I have a better one. So Carl's, like, five or six years old, right?
Enough with these Carl stories.
[To Carl] Hey, let me get that.
Wow, looks like you're the one going to prison. Mm, this is amazing.
I can't believe you've never had White Castle before.
I only eat carrots, and then I throw them up. [They laugh]
All right, so he's five or six years old--
Wait- wait- wait, is this the penis or the cat story?
And he thought pee was stored in his scrotum.
But he called it his... [With Ian] Bubble gum.
Yeah. 'Cause it looks like bubble gum.
Is that what that scar is?
Well, and why the hell'd you do that?
I thought I'd save some time, bypass the penis.
See? I'm a genius. Yeah, you're a genius.
Debbie
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. I got stuck on the El for 20 minutes.
Nice. Hey, what's going on, Deb?
Debbie
[Grabs White Castle bag] Ooh. Yes.
Debbie
Why is that chick from those makeup commercials having dinner with us? Oh, shit, that's you.
Hey, she's also done 17 movies and 4 TV shows.
And nominated for three Golden Globes and a People's Choice Award.
You're famous. You make a lot of money doing those commercials, huh?
Kelly: Hey.
Kelly: Say the line.
KLKelly and Lip
come on...
[Turns head dramatically] Face it. You're gorgeous.
Ian: Wow!
[Clapping hands] Whoo, whoo!
Kelly: Nice.
Ian: Okay, now the Carl cat story. Debs, you take this one.
JJamal
Here you go. RAV, right?
Debbie
This car is totaled!
Debbie
Insurance will cover a hit-and-run. Y-you have insurance, right?
Debbie
Did you call the police? Did you file an accident report? You gotta find whoever did this, Fiona.
Debbie
You did what?
I did this. I was... drunk, and I didn't call the police 'cause I was drunk.
Debbie
You were driving drunk? The hell is going on with you?
Debbie
Fuck that. I'm not a kid. I have a kid.
All right, fine. Uh... The zoning fell through on my old-age home yesterday, which means I got Max Whitford stalking me for $25K, or else I lose my entire $100K investment, which fucks me, 'cause... without an immediate profit off that, I actually cannot afford my first and second mortgages on my apartment building, and that means I'm gonna have to sell my building. Also, it turns out that Ford's married. Yeah. I found that out right before I totaled this car, which is gonna cost thousands to fix. So that on top of the $1,800, that... I just spent at the ER and the $500 that this tow place just charged me means I'm so far up shit's creek, I don't even have lunch money. (As she starts crying) And I'm such a fucking piece of shit that I forgot my own brother was going to prison.
Debbie
So, what you're saying is, you've had a shitty couple days.
(tearful laughter) Yeah, I know, right?
Debbie
It's gonna be okay, Fiona. It's gonna be okay.
(sniffles) Yeah? You got a spare... $25K lying around?
Debbie
No. But I got a friend who might be able to help us out with the car, at least.
Debbie
Two and a half months past due.
FFarhad
That's not that bad.
Debbie
Not that bad?
FFarhad
Do you not pay your bills or something? We don't use electricity. It's against the Koran.
Debbie
Really?
FFarhad
No, it's a joke. You think Muslims don't believe in electricity? So they gonna turn the power back on or what?
Debbie
Yeah, once I pay them $800 plus a reactivation fee plus a past due charge. Fuckers. That's extortion.
FFarhad
Yeah, no shit. Would you like me to send a suicide bomber?
Debbie
Sweet of you to offer, but no, thanks. I think I'll just pay it.
[Fiona wakes up, uses Ford's tools to scratch her arm in a cast and gets into shower]
Debbie
[Pulls open curtains and turns off water] We need our money back.
What the fuck?! What money?!
Debbie
We've been giving you money for utilities that have not been getting paid. We need that money back.
[Sighs] Fine. Jesus! [Close curtains and turns water on]
Debbie
The bills are under my name now. That water you're using? We're paying for that. [Fiona scoffs] So, until you repay us what we've been paying you for the last three months, plus your share of rent for the last three months, plus what it cost for me to get shit turned back on, I don't really feel like sharing my water with you.
Yeah, I'll tell you what... you take everything that I owe you from the last three months and subtract it from everything that you owe me for the last years. And when I've used all of the water that I am entitled to some time in, I don't know, then we can talk about who's even. [Shuts curtain and turns water on]
...
[Lip appears in jogging attire] What are you wearing?
Oh, Tami's mom died of cancer, so her family does a five-K thing every year.
You look sort of ridiculous.
Everybody looks ridiculous in running shorts.
Debbie! Turn my water on!
Hey, did you turn the water off on her?
Debbie
Yep.
Deb, she carried us for years... You can give her a break. Turn the water back on!
Debbie
Once you pay us what you owe us.
I'm gonna get it to you. I just lost track... [Ford pounds on front door]
Debbie
You owe Carl, Lip, and I; $832.
You don't see Carl going up to my shower, turning my water off!
[Ford continues poundings on front door]
If you had the month I had, you would have lost track, too.
Debbie
[Mockingly] Ooh, my Irish boyfriend left me.
Go take a flying fuck on a rolling doughnut!
Debbie
What?!
Go take a rolling fuck on a flying doughnut!
[Lets himself in house] Hello? I come in peace.
[Debbie grabs a knife and walks to Ford]
I just want my tools back.
My carpenter tools. They're missing.
Well, why would I know about that?
What, you think I just wandered on to your site and picked them up out of your truck or something?
Or maybe I came into your house in the middle of the night and I watched you sleep for an hour and then I just took them on my way out.
[Scoffs softly] Do you have them or not?
No. [Laughs] You egotistical fuck! I haven't thought about you in weeks!
Debbie
We thought about you, though.
Guess I'll be going, then.
[Ford walks to his truck and Fiona follows] Yeah. Damn straight you'll be going, 'cause next time, I won't stop them from beating the shit out of you!
If my tools happen to turn up, let me know. That's how I make my living.
Oh, if they "happen to"... fuck you!
MKMajor Keefe
[On phone with Kelly] Get your ass home right now, young lady, or I'm taking your truck keys...
[Debbie comes in house with contractor equipment] What are you doing?
Debbie
Making this house cost-efficient. Adding insulation to the attic, welding leaking pipes, adding timers to light switches.
MKMajor Keefe
Where are you?
MKMajor Keefe
Then where are you, and when are you coming home?
My whereabouts are confidential.
MKMajor Keefe
Not from your father, they're not.
I'll let you know when the information gets declassified.
MKMajor Keefe
That's it. That's the last...
[Stifling laughter] God, if I knew pissing off my dad would be this much fun, I would've started years ago. Um... I don't think we should be seeing each other anymore.
Uh, because... you're not... hot enough.
[Answers phone] Hello, sir?
MKMajor Keefe
We had a deal, Gallagher.
Uh, now's really not a good time.
[Grabs Carl's phone] Uh... Sorry, Carl Gallagher's phone is out of service. He'll call you back never. [Throws phone on floor]
What the fuck? Why you always got to be throwing my phone like that? [Kelly gets Carl in an armlock on couch] Ow, ow, ow!
Bullshit! A spot at West Point?
No. We... then why are you breaking up with me?
I don't want to mess your future up. Your run times have been up, your test scores have been down ever since you met me. I don't want to screw up your shit to Annapolis.
What if I don't want to go to Annapolis? What if I'm sick of working so hard? What if... I just want to stay here and eat Fritos with your family and watch TV and enjoy life for once?
[Comes in door] Getting your ass kicked by a girl again, Carl?
Debbie
Why are you walking like that?
Just being a superhero in a five-K. He was wearing a 60 pound duffel and combat boots, so... I'm not sure it was that impressive.
Debbie
What?
[Debbie walks into kitchen]
Debbie
Nothing but junk mail. Rat shit in the attic. Fires in the dryer vent. These ads are terrifying. Carbon monoxide leaks from the furnace? Fiona always handled this shit. Should I be worried about these things?
[Pours herself cereal] Ah, homeowner stuff. Sucks to be an adult. [Pours out all milk and Liam stares at her] What? I'm eating for seven now.
Debbie
Well, then all seven of you are gonna need to cough up cash if you're gonna be living here.
All right. I'm gonna do some therapy sessions on the phone this afternoon. I'll write you a check later.
...
[Comes in side door] Good morning, family one. Family two.
Debbie
Why do you look like a farm animal?
Your father is gonna be the new Hobo Loco beverage spokesperson.
Now, I haven't won the competition yet, Ingy.
Debbie
Hobo what-o?
It's a delicious alcoholic beverage. They're looking for someone with no purpose in life. I finally found my calling. Soon I'll be able to support those I love. Oh, yeah. Wish me luck.
Oh, you go get 'em, my Hobo Loco tiger.
Good-bye, little Frank-ettes.
RRandy
[Comes down stairs to find Ingrid lying on back with legs on wall] Ingrid, where... Ingrid. Ingy.
RRandy
Dr. Kwan called me. She told me you were pregnant. That's wonderful.
Wonderful? You never wanted me to have children because of my condition.
RRandy
Well, now that you are pregnant, it's a beautiful miracle. Let's do this together.
What?! They're not even yours! They're Frank's!
RRandy
Yes, but you just met him. You think he's really committed to having more kids?
RRandy
But I'm the one who's always been there for you, and I always will, so let's get you back on your meds and then we'll go for a checkup with Dr. Kwan.
You're trying to trick me. [Stands up] You're gonna get me on that exam table and then have Kwan just suck the embryos out of me!
RRandy
No, I won't. I won't, I promise. We'll keep two. We'll have twins. Wouldn't that be great?
Twins?! Bullshit! You don't want my babies! Frank does! Frank loves me! He loves all six of my embryos! I have a phone patient now, so please go!
RRandy
Okay, okay. [Sighs] I'll check back in later. [Walks away]
Hey, Debbie. Randy's wrong. Frank'll be committed to my six babies, right?
Debbie
[Scoffs] Not a chance.
Debbie
Do you want to split another with me, or you want your own when you're back?
Split with you. [To Carl] Be right back, fry guy. I'm so proud of you. [Kisses him on cheek]
The fuck you think you're doing?!
Debbie
Putting peanut butter on a Ritz.
No, with Kelly. Why you trying to get with her?
Debbie
What?
Debbie
I'm not fronting. Her and I just get along good.
Aren't I supposed to get along well with my brother's girlfriend if she's awesome?
Debbie
No, she's my awesome, not your awesome.
She's not a lesbian, dumb-ass.
Debbie
Exactly. She's not gay. Although she is the kind of girl who could come out later in life. I'm not getting total gay vibes, but it's inconclusive, so... I'd say yeah, she'll probably eventually end up gay.
Just knock it off. I mean it.
Debbie
There's nothing going on between me and your girlfriend. Keep your blouse on, Carl.
Debbie
What's that?
Debbie
Why is Fiona's shit in trash bags?
'Cause I told her to leave and she's still here. Thought I'd give her a hand.
Debbie
'Cause of Xan?
Yeah, 'cause of Xan and Jason and all the other fucking things. Okay. Look, I'll see you later, all right? I gotta catch Tami before work.
Debbie
You guys get into a fight or something?
No, she, uh... she's pregnant.
Debbie
Holy shit. She gonna keep it?
Debbie
That'd be so cool. Franny could have a little cousin.
Yeah, look, I don't know. I just found out yesterday, Debs, so I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do.
Debbie
You guys could all live here. Tami and I can take turns babysitting.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm sorry I mentioned it. [To Franny] You want a cousin, right? Uncle Lip's baby.
TMr. Tamietti
Uh, hi, Mr. Tamietti. You and I need to talk, son.
TMr. Tamietti
Tami's having this baby, and I need to know what your plan is.
Uh, she's... she's keeping the baby? I mean, she seemed undecided the last that we, uh...
TMr. Tamietti
Oh, yeah. She's keeping the baby. That's not open for discussion.
No, no, sir. I just mean, um, last time we talked, she- she seemed unclear about what she wanted to do.
TMr. Tamietti
Oh, it's clear. She's having the baby.
[Debbie, Carl and Kelly burst in front door carrying Frank]
Debbie
Good God. Almost there. A little help here!
Okay, okay, okay. Put me down. Put me down, no more. Down there!
Is that bone? What the fuck?! Why didn't you call an ambulance?
Mollies... A few personal items... And acid.
Is that why you didn't want to call an ambulance?
TMr. Tamietti
Uh, who the hell is that?
Debbie
Our dad.
TMr. Tamietti
Why doesn't he want an ambulance?
Debbie
Because the paramedics would've emptied his pockets, found the drugs, and called the cops.
Uh, you know, Mr. Tamietti, why don't we go get a cup of coffee or something, yeah? [Leads Mr. Tamietti away]
I had an opportunity to invest some of my Ingrid severance money, and I took it.
If you're done hiding your stash, can I call 911?
Not until my associates come and we complete our transaction.
Debbie
Yeah, we should go, too.
Debbie
Ugh. This is nasty.
Any of those beers have something left in them?
Debbie
No.
Debbie
Let me finish this first. Ugh. Called a couple home healthcare worker places. Twenty-two bucks an hour. Thirty for overnights. Totally unnecessary. Just set me up in here with my Oxys, a couple of brews, and the remote, and I'm good as gold.
Debbie
Yeah, you're down here yelling for us day and night. Totally need someone to take care of you.
Debbie
I'm not even supposed to be doing this. It's Liam's shift.
Well, then get him down here. Liam!
Debbie
He's not here, and I haven't told anyone where I hid your Oxy, so don't think you can bully Liam into giving you more.
What happened to that G.I. Jane chick your brother was banging, the one you were trying to steal?
Debbie
I wasn't trying to steal her.
Sure you were. You were following her around like a lovesick puppy.
Debbie
She broke up with Carl.
So she is a carpet-muncher?
Debbie
Don't be an asshole, Frank.
She was cute. Smart, too. I was surprised she went for a moron like Carl. He was definitely punching above his weight on that one.
Debbie
Kelly isn't gay.
Softball? Really? Bi? Or maybe you just weren't tempting enough for her to risk jumping into gender experimentation. Women like smart.
Debbie
Sorry, sweetheart. You're not the sharpest shovel in the shed.
Now, I bet if it had been your sister, Fiona...
Debbie
She's not...
Hey. She's not brilliant, like Lip, but she's street smart, quick. I bet if it'd been Fiona, softball girl would've taken that for a spin.
Debbie
Keep it up, Frank. You'll never see an Oxy again.
Not to mention, Fiona got Monica's stripper-on-a-bender, dangerous looks, not that it's made Fiona's life easier. Too much pretty can really mess you up.
[Looking at budget chart] Why can't I get a couple of hundred bucks of my Fiona money now?
Debbie
Fiona didn't leave you any money, Frank. She left money for the family, and she left it under my control because she knows I'm the only Gallagher that wouldn't waste it on frivolous, stupid things. [Referring to chart] I've divided Fiona's $50,000 into three categories: 30,000 for essentials, 20,000 for savings.
Savings?! What the hell for?!
Debbie
We need a rainy day fund, Frank. Anytime you're around, it's pouring. After I take care of all of the essentials, whatever's left goes into the discretionary fund with money divided equally for each of us, you included, unfortunately.
Debbie
Yep, and dentists.
What's wrong with the ER? It's free.
Debbie
The ER is not free, Frank. You just don't pay your bills.
Garbage disposal, home repairs. Taxes? What's this 600 bucks you've already taken out of my nonexistent discretionary money?
Debbie
600 bucks, new couch.
There's nothing wrong with our couch.
Debbie
You spent the last six months dribbling your broken leg juices and piss all over it.
It's perfectly fine. It's just The cushions need plumping, that's all.
Debbie
Yeah, we're getting a new couch, and it's coming out of your share.
Debbie
Yeah, it is. All right, I gotta go to work now, you know, that thing people do to make money to support their children. You might want to wash those clothes. You smell like a sushi restaurant dumpster on a hot day.
Shameless · 903 quotes
