Debbie[Calls outside bedroom door waking Frank, Mikey and Carl] Asses up if you want coffee!
[Groans] You start bonin' dudes while I was away at school?
Occasionally, if the mood strikes.
Can't two grown men share a bed together without it being sеxual?
No. [Answers phone] Go for Carl. Yeah, yeah, it's still available. All right. I'll send you the address.
Debbie
Stinky, dirty, wet! [Dumps laundry on floor] Wash your own shit! You both owe me rent money.
Debbie
Thirty-seven bucks a night, plus five if you'll be showering.
I'm selling my military gear to get some cash.
Debbie
Electricity, gas, and water for the month is 48 bucks. Let me know if you'll be eating here. I have various meal plans available.
You don't need to pay rent, Frank. You're the patriarch of this family.
Debbie
I'm keeping the coffee warm for ten minutes. Then I'm dumping it.
[Scoffs] Little Red Riding twɑt needs to understand who's boss around here.
Debbie
[Holds up KFC bucket of cash to Frank sleeping on family room floor with Mikey on the couch] My pinto, Papa.
That's our money, Debbie.
Debbie
It was your money until you and La Cucaracha over here stole all my shit. Now it belongs to me, along with anything else you receive for the rest of your silly, little life.
Debbie
And I'm taking the rest of the cash Fiona left into buying a car, something tangible you guys can't squander.
I can see you're emotional. Let's just- I am as cool as a mοtherfսcking cucumber. Thank you for your contribution.
[Coughs] What the hell? You- you got dialysis.
I'm not 100 percent, Frank. [Frank puts hand on Mikey's forhead] I dreamed about my death last night.
Infected port. My father was there. He was shaking his head. He was disappointed. I let him down.
What more could he possibly want from a son? So many things. He worked like a dog, my dad. He had a little shoe repair shop. He'd make keys. His dying wish was that I'd become... a real businessman.
[Stammers] You wan- you wanna be a businessman? Let's make you a businessman. Rise and shine, my pal.
You can't? You think Lee Iacocca ever said "I can't"?
[Laughs] I rest my case. Come on. [Starts pulling Mikey off couch] Okay, good.
Frank': One more.
[To Debbie at kitchen table] I thought you already had a job.
Debbie
I do. Well, I did, but we're on strike. And when you're on strike, you don't get paid. So now, I'm looking for another job.
Debbie
An excuse not to work until management agrees to pay you more and work you less.
[Kicking beer bottles while entering kitchen with Freddie] Fսcking Frank.
Debbie
But the Union still wants us to walk around for four hours a day with a sign, chanting shit.
[Referring to picket signs behind Debbie] Is that what those are for?
Debbie
Yeah. [To Lip getting milk products out of fridge] Hi.
What? No, no, no. That thing really made an impression on people, huh?
Debbie
Boobs will do that.
MMegan
[At a grocery store] Debbie? It's Megan.
MMegan
Oh, shit. Hey. Last time I saw you, you were getting dragged out of D-Hall. [Scoffs] Assholes. What's that green thing?
Debbie
That's what a mango looks like?
Debbie
Who are all these kids?
Debbie
All of 'em?
MMegan
Yeah, you know, it's different baby daddies.
Debbie
Oh, my gosh, damn. How do you afford to feed 'em all? You marry rich?
Megan': I got a good lawyer. It's child support, and all the fathers contribute.
Debbie
Really?
MMegan
Some more than others, obviously. So, like, the more they give me in child support, the better clothes I get for the kid.
Debbie
Huh. No shit?
MMegan
Yeah, that's why Moesha is wearing Ralph Lauren, and is Chip is wearing shit from Goodwill.
Debbie
Huh.
MMegan
Chip, you get what Daddy pays for. Is this Franny?
Debbie
Yeah.
MMegan
Hey. What's going on here with these clothes? Is Derek, like, a deadbeat dad?
Debbie
No. I mean, he offered to pay child support, but he wanted partial custody. So I said "No."
MMegan
Shared custody is a godsend. It's a free babysitter. Let him have the kid one night a week. That's when you go out. You bust out your humps. You go to a bar, and you get that pie cream.
Debbie
Yeah, I think I know what you mean.
MMegan
You gotta earn that sperm. A sperm deposit is a bank deposit.
Debbie
Yeah, maybe. Maybe.
MMegan
Either way, I would definitely revisit the Derek situation. Milk him for everything you can get. Thanks. Oh, my God. Look at that fine-looking Jew. You know that man has a good job. I gotta go.
Debbie
Okay, good seeing you, Megan.
Has anyone seen my breast pump? This baby refuses to eat! God, my boobs are gonna explode.
[Showing phone] And this is me at target practice. I kept lining my sight up all wrong, but then Mitch helped me and- Uh, are you listening to me?
[Looks over to Anne] Yeah, uh-huh.
Uh-huh. She's just a friend from work. He shit again. Why is Anne here?
'Cause we're hiding her from ICE. Her family's gonna get deported to one of those facilities south of Texas. And I think I'm, like, a Democrat now or something.
Democrat? [Laughs and starts to embrace Carl] You're so funny, Carl!
[Speaks Spanish] My God, it's hot with the stove going.
Debbie
Can Amalia still watch Franny today?
Anne: Yep.
Debbie
Cool. [Tami throws a soiled diaper into trashcan and all exclaim]
Oh, grow up, you guys. We all poop.
Debbie
Yeah, we don't all change our shit-filled underwear in the kitchen.
I've done it. It's closer to the washing machine. Just drop that dirty sucker in there. One of ya hits wash eventually.
Hey, what's with the backpack?
It's for carrying things, genius.
Debbie
It's Franny's. If I find any sеx or drսg paraphernalia in there, I'll kill you in your sleep, Frank.
PPepa
[Debbie enters Alibi Room and sits at table of Pepa] Where's Franny? I can't wait to see her. Derek loved her so much.
Debbie
Cut the bullshit, Pepa. Derek didn't give two shits about Franny, and neither do you.
PPepa
What? I can't wait to see how she's grown up. I mean, with a genius like you for a mother, I'm sure she'll be able to read by the time she's 15.
Debbie
I know what you're doing.
Debbie
You think I'd rather lose my fair share of Derek's death benefit than let you have Franny. Joke's on you, bitch. Franny will be there tomorrow on time as scheduled. And, as per our agreement, I want my check posthaste. And I'll want Franny to call me "Mom."
PPepa
Debbie Gallagher, come get your kid!
Debbie
Hey, Pepa. What's going on? Supposed to pick her up tonight.
PPepa
Yeah, well, here's your demon child. She set my couch on fire, ate a pound of raw hamburger meat, and bit off the tip of my son's middle toe.
Debbie
Oh, my goodness. That does not sound like my sweet Franny bear at all.
PPepa
Cut the horseshit, Debbie. You know, you're the worst mother on the planet. You don't think that's kind of cruel?
Debbie
No, I don't think.
PPepa
Here's your death benefit money. I never wanna see you or your Children of the Corn daughter ever again.
Debbie
Don't be a stranger, Pepa! You're welcome back for dinner sometime!
Hey, what was all that about? And who is this?
Debbie
Derek's wife, Pepa, tried to screw me out of Derek's death benefit, so Bella over here was pretending to be Franny so I could get my share of Derek's money.
I followed none of that, and I'm too tired to care.
Debbie
Here. Hi! Come here. Good girl. Right there. Bella! We're not at Pepa's house anymore. We don't eat like animals here. Spoon.
[Opens hotel door to Debbie] Debbie? Hey.
Debbie
Uh... I was just wondering why you gave me this last night.
Oh, I'm sorry. Was it not enough? Here, come in. Come in. Just, um- my wallet's right over there. Just take whatever your rate is. I wasn't sure.
Debbie
[Closes door and scoffs] Claudia, I don't have a rate. I'm not a prοstitսte.
You're not? Why were you sitting with all the prostitutes, then? You know, they call that hо Corner.
Debbie
I did not know that. [Chuckles] I just met you, and I thought I liked you.
Debbie
No, you weren't a freebie, because you're not a john and I'm not a prοstitսte. I just thought we hit it off.
Oh! Well, I thought we had a connection, too. So this is a misunderstanding?
Debbie
Big mistake. Huge.
Great. Um, I have to get to work, but can I take you out on a proper date later?
Debbie
Sure.
[On the phone] Bring your chastity belt, Jerry, because I am going to fսck everybody who had anything to do with this shit show of a deal, starting with you! [Debbie wakes up and Claudia sighs, leans in to kiss her] Oh, I'm sorry, pussycat. Did I wake you? [Chuckles] Mm. Ugh. My lunch has turned into a teleconference with Dubai. Can I impose on you to do me a favor?
Debbie
Of course. What?
Great. Um, can you pick Julia up after school?
Debbie
Julia?
My kid. Oh. Did I not tell you about her?
Debbie
[Laughs] No. [Claudia chuckles] But that's cool. I didn't tell you about my kid either. Franny. She's four.
[Walks to Debbie and turning around for her to do up her dress back zipper] Oh, God. They are so perfect at that age, aren't they?
Debbie
[Sets down plate for Claudia] Here you go. An omelet with... Oh. Asparagus, mushrooms, and cheese from a goat. Sounds weird, but it's actually pretty good.
Debbie
[Scoffs] It's just an omelet.
It's beautiful. You're beautiful. I love having you around. I love being around.
JJulia
[Walks by naked] Gonna hop in the shower. Sounds good, honey.
Debbie
No, sweetie. Hey, the wedding isn't till this afternoon, okay?
Debbie
She wants to wear her flower girl dress again.
Why the hell not? She's only gonna wear it once.
Debbie
[Chuckles] Okay, sweetie. Go on.
Debbie
Uh, so... about last night.
Mm. [Sirens wailing distantly] Yeah. [Both chuckles] Cool. So... We gotta be at the Bamboo at nine for the flower delivery. And then the caterers are delivering the chairs and shit at ten.
Debbie
So... You think your uncle's serious about shooting Mickey?
Serious as a heart attack. But he probably won't do it at the wedding. Too many witnesses. [Answers phone] He'll wait till Mickey's alone somewhere or walking to the L or... Holy sh- shit.
Debbie
What?
Debbie
What's on fire?!
The Bamboo Lotus! It's on fire! Dude, it's on fսcking fire!
[Bursts out front door with Debbie, Ian, Mickey and Carl observing into smoke billowing in distance] Oh... fսck.
What the hell's going on?
Debbie
What is that?
[Knocking on bedroom doors] My birthday! Wake up! Wake up! I'm five!
[Franny comes down stairs] Hey, hey. Look who it is. The birthday girl.
[Sniffles, sighs] Presents?
Oh, no, no. It's not like Christmas, Franny. You're gonna get your presents tonight at your party. Oh. Hey. [Picks up Franny and carries her to kitchen] Come on. Let's go make some breakfast, huh? Whoof! Go sit! Yo, what up?
Why'd you guys sleep here last night?
Oh, the fumes at our new place from resurfacing the bathtub.
Good morning, Franny. Happy birthday.
I'm gonna sell them for cheap to the lunch debt kids.
Kids who run out of money on their food account. Can't eat the hot lunch till they pay up.
Is that even legal? Don't public schools have to feed the kids?
Yeah, but the lunch lady serves them gross shit like stale bread, government cheese, chunky pudding.
So you're capitalizing on the misfortunes of others by selling them your peanut butter sandwiches?
The American way. See you.
Debbie
Hey, there's my sweet birthday princess! Who is five today?!
Debbie
You?! [Tickles her] Ah!
I don't know! She looks like a big girl. Did you grow overnight? Are you sure you're not 15?
Debbie
Are you excited for your princess party?
Debbie
What?! No, you don't!
I'm with Frans on this one.
Debbie
Just put on the dress, Franny!
FFrannie
[Repeatedly] No, no, no!
Debbie
I need to take your picture for Little Miss South Side. Don't you want to be Little Miss South Side?
Debbie
Dress. Pants! Dress! Pants! Can you at least brush your own teeth?
[Repeatedly] No...! [Runs out and Debbie sighs]
How was your first day as a cop?
Pfft, seen more action playing Minecraft on the shitter.
[Eating cereal] This stuff is delicious.
As the Willis Tower. Fringe benefit of being the Alibi's chief quality control officer and weed sommelier. Gotta fuel up for a big day of pot purchases.
Debbie
Franny, breakfast!
Debbie
[Chuckles] I'm gonna kill her. I'm gonna choke her with her cargo pants until she's dead.
Still won't put on the dress?
Debbie
Won't put on her dress, won't brush her hair, won't brush her teeth, won't pack her own backpack.
Why can't Little Miss Sunshine wear pants?
Debbie
'Cause it's not Little Mr. Sunshine, Carl.
Sounds like gender conformity.
Debbie
It's not my world, Liam. I just live in it.
Hey, look. Our new neighbors came to welcome us, even my pansy former son and his stink-dick boyfriend.
I guess the city must've made good on their threat to condemn our old house. That or the meth lab caught fire again.
Well, what are they doing here, though?
Terry's been banging the lady who owns this place for a couple of years. Calls it his plan B.
Mrs. McCurdy? She's, like, 90.
Gotta do what you gotta do, man.
That's the stench of abject poverty, son.
Debbie
Actually, I think it might be those chickens.
Oh, no, those ain't chickens. Those are cocks. Like, for cockfighting?
Debbie
Fighting chickens?
They like it. If they don't die. It's natural for 'em. You know, it's fun.
We have to move. I don't wanna be the reason for the next Black Lives Matter march. I'll get Trayvon Martin-ed for sure if we stay here.
[A man is randomly firing off a kalashnikov assault rifle] Jesus!
Why's he shooting random shit?
[Laughs] Aw... He's playing "I Spy, You shoot."
It's a kids' game. Yeah, kid says, "I spy with my little eye that red stop sign," or whatever, and then the adult... shoot the stop sign. Get off your fucking high horses. Anybody here feel like they're the product of good parenting, raise your hand.
Debbie
Okay, I don't have time for this shit. I gotta get Franny ready. Where is Franny?
Fuck it, just dump the used motor oil in the yard.
Shameless · 903 quotes
