NessaSo you the new slumlord?
Nessa
Nessa Chabon. 2C.
Nessa
If you're here to meet the gas company, he's been and gone.
Nessa
Nah. I let him in. He checked the meter and split.
Nessa
You're welcome. I do a lot of things around the building. Lightbulbs, clogged toilets, leaky faucets, stuff like that. The previous owner didn't do shit.
Nessa
Handy, but not a man. Nah, I'm an accountant. United Airlines. What about you? Where are you from? Humboldt Park? Bucktown? Making a small real estate play to jazz up your 401k?
Hardly. I'm South Side, through and through. You?
Nessa
Immigrant from distant shores... Oak Brook.
That's nice. What brings you down here to live among the great unwashed?
Nessa
I'm a pilgrim escaping gender persecution. Local country club ladies weren't too pleased with my choice of dance partners. So have you met any of the other tenants yet?
Nessa
Well, the old lady with cancer and cats has been living in 1C since the South seceded from the Union. Vet with PTSD in 2D always has really good weed. And the junkie couple in 1D fight a lot and occasionally set shit on fire. And the woman with the couple dozen kids from a couple dozen different dads in 1A. The kids are a terror.
Think it's too late to ask the bank for my deposit back?
Nessa
So are you gonna move in here yourself or rent this one out?
Nessa
How much?
Not sure. Area's up and comin'.
Nessa
Urban homesteaders and all that.
Yeah. Lincoln Square lumberjacks are definitely migrating south.
Nessa
I'm not... I'm not gay.
Cool, I'm not looking. And you're not my type anyway.
Nessa
What's your type?
Blonde and bitchy. I'm a masochist... Not physical pain, but emotional turmoil is my thing.
Thank God for the new bourgie tenant moving in. Everyone is late with their rent except you and the guy in 2C?
Nessa
Yep. Get used to it. Deadbeats in this building never paid what's-his-ass on time either.
And he didn't do anything about it?
Nessa
That loser only cared about using this place to get laid. He was like a walking ad for HPV.
Guess I better get checked for HPV.
Nessa
Ryan? No, you didn't.
Nessa
[Chuckles] Nah, I brought home a few nasty girls BM.
Nessa
[Fiona and Ness chuckles] Just toss out whoever hasn't paid their rent and start over.
Nah, I've been late on the rent before. I wanna give everyone a chance to pay.
Nessa
Sack up. It's business. [Gets up and starts to walk away, turns to Fiona] I expect the druggies, the hoarder, and the mom with 72 kids to be out of here by the time I get back.
Mm-hmm. Have a good day, dear.
[Fiona is painting walls in apartment]
Nessa
Hi.
Nessa
Nice color.
It's called "Dangerous Robot." I'm doing the bathroom in Liquid Kitty.
Nessa
What happened to just "blue"?
Nessa
Well, neither is Liquid Kitty, it sounds like a dyke bar. Why don't you just paint it "Wet Pussy"?
Benjamin Moore didn't have that one. It took me forever to choose. What is my taste, even?
Nessa
Ghetto chic.
That's by necessity, not choice. Well, you're asking the wrong gal. Mel handles this shit.
Nessa
And her style's like... resort meets brothel.
That's perfect for a nursery. You guys start picking out cribs?
Nessa
Crib, singular. We're down a fetus. I miscarried.
Nessa
It's okay. I mean, yeah, it sucks, but we hadn't figured we'd both get pregnant.
[Knocks on door of Nessa and Mel and they answer]
Oh, you guys have a kid too. Oh, we should have a playdate sometime.
Nessa
Sorry?
I'm Debbie. Gallagher? Fiona's sister?
Nessa
Right, hi.
Yeah? So... Uh, how did you guys know that you were lesbians?
MMel
Really? [Turns and walks away]
Nessa
Wow.
Nessa
You're a lesbian? Uh... What are all those keys for?
I don't know. So confusing.
MMel
What is confusing about it? You either like girls, or you don't.
I thought I did, but Alex--
Nessa
Who's Alex?
My ex-girlfriend. She says I'm bad at lesbianism.
MMel
[Reappears] That's- okay...
Nessa
I don't even know what that means.
MMel
All right. Look at me. [Opens bathrobe to show body to Debbie]
Nessa
Oh, here we go.
MMel
Are you thinking about my pussy right now?
MMel
[Leans in and kisses Debbie] You like that? Then that's all the lesbian you need to be.
Nessa
She means you like what you like, and none of the rest of it matters, okay?
Shameless · 903 quotes
