Debbie[Arrives at Neil's place to find him with Lakisha] Hey, guys. Came home early to spend some quality time.
Um. It's over, Debbie. I'm in love with my nurse and you're a horrible person. No offense.
Debbie
"No offense"?!
LLakisha
You know he can't edit his thoughts.
You don't love me, and Lakisha does. She helped me discover... my prostate. And my nipples, and my other erogenous zones, and you were just using me for my money... which is mean.
Debbie
[Answers phone] What, Carl?
Come home right now. Emergency family meeting. Don't tell Fiona.
[Ian and Carl are counting money on family room couch]
[Comes in] Monica's ex found us?
Yeah, he tried to drown me in my own hot tub. Ian and I got, like, nine grand between us. You got any money left?
Uh, no. Only a couple hundred. I had to pay off some debts. Debs?
Debbie
Spent it all on equipment and welding school. I'm broke.
You have, uh, any idea what Fiona did with your meth?
Well, has somebody got a better idea? Something you can sell? I mean, someone you know that could loan us that kind of money?
Hey, Debs, how about Neil?
Debbie
He literally just broke up with me. He said I'm a horrible person.
[Comes in holding something furry] Evening, family.
Debbie
Jesus, Frank!
Debbie
Is that a squirrel?
Roadkill, I'm afraid. I'll give him a proper burial tomorrow.
Frank, do you have any cash? We gotta pay this Eric guy, for real.
Of course. [Hands over cash wad]
Thanks. Seven fucking dollars?
We could rob where you work. Know where they keep the safe?
You're the one that got us into this shit, Frank.
Monica. Not me. And it's Francis now. I no longer resonate with a hard K.
Debbie
Yep.
[Lip, Ian, Debbie and Carl are in the apartment that Fiona is renovating and she is sitting on floor with back against wall]
If we weren't so screwed, we wouldn't ask for your help.
The dude almost drowned me in my own hot tub.
Debbie
You don't have to help us, but it would be really helpful if you could just tell us... tell us what you did with the last two pounds of meth.
[Fiona sighs and gets up to them lined up like a bootcamp rollcall]
Is this the part where you lecture us? 'Cause if you could just speed it up a little bit, that...
You wanna be a smartass, or do you want my help? I'm taking my time with this because I want you all to remember this... how hard you tried not to have to come to me. Because if you didn't have to come to me, then maybe you could just get through all this without having to admit... one simple truth. Which is that I was right. When I told you that keeping the meth... was a bad idea...
[Whispers] ...I was right. When I begged you not to take it... I was right. When I told you that selling it and turning yourselves into fucking meth dealers was a terrible decision that could go horribly wrong, I was... super fucking right.
I am the one who saw to your survival...
[Ian groans]
...since you were babies. I am the only reason that you are still breathing and have limbs intact. So, I want you to remember this moment. So that the next time that I try to warn you against a plan that Frank and Monica thought was a good idea, maybe... just... maybe you will fucking listen!
Debbie
Are you gonna tell us where the meth is or not, Fiona?
I am, Debs. I am. Right after every single one of you says... "you were right."
[Ian sighs]
"And I was wrong, Fiona."
PPharmacist
May I help you?
Debbie
Yes, hi. I called in an order for the morning after pill.
PPharmacist
No, you didn't. It's not by prescription.
Debbie
Yes, I... please?
PPharmacist
$65 and your ID, please. Yes, thank you. Sorry, you have to be 17 in Missouri to buy the pill.
Debbie
What? No. I'm almost 17. That's ridiculous. If I'm not 17, I have to have another baby? That doesn't even make any sense. Well, what am I supposed to do? God. Fuckin' Missouri.
Debbie
Hey. Hi, Franny. Good morning. How are you? It's Mommy. I'll be back in just a few minutes. Sweetie. I know someday you may want a brother or sister, but... right now I need to make sure I can finish welding school so I can get a sweet job and we can get a house, a yard, and a swing set... how about that? Wouldn't that be fun? But right now if I had another baby, that would be a really big disaster. [Yoli walks out of pharmacy and Debbie chases her] Hey, did you get it?! Hey! Where's my pill?! [Grabs woman's hair and they fall to ground fighting]
Debbie
Give me back my money!
YYoli
Get off of me! You slut!
[From phone on ground] Mama.
[Fiona is awoken by a bucket of water thrown on her by Ian]
No! I am not doing this with you again today. We are both fucking adults! Come on, I know you're pissed! I know you're pissed...
[Ian throws another bucket of water on her] Oh, fuck!
Debbie
Think we should do something?
She survived prison. She can handle the Ice Bucket Challenge.
Debbie
He's been icing her all week. Over a stupid church? Who cares?
Debbie
So we shouldn't do anything?
Absolutely not. Squabbles between siblings are as old as time. Cain and Abel. Serena and Venus. George W. and Jeb. Hey, son, what do you say you, uh, iron some military creases into my suit jacket? Need sharp corners today. Daddy's got a big job interview. With Lumber Lot.
Debbie
Thought you already worked at Lumber Lot.
No, that's Lumber Lawn and Lighting, Debs, an entirely separate and sub-par institution from whence I have parted ways.
Debbie
Wait. You got fired?
Livestock's been fed and watered, sir. Permission to attend last day of school?
Debbie
Jesus, Carl. Your involuntary detox program is stinking up the whole house. It smells like afterbirth down there.
I still need $3,527 for tuition.
Look at you! The managerial apple is falling close to the tree.
[Enters kitchen] Mornin'.
Let's go, Liam. Before he pours pathetic sauce all over us.
Debbie
Have a good last day, Liam. Good luck at Lumber Lot, Frank.
[Slumps to floor with head on forehead] Oh, God!
Debbie
Jesus! Get it together, loser. No one wants to see a grown man ugly-cry in his underwear. Idiot!
[Ian and Lip are in kitchen with Carl, Debbie, Liam and Kassidi]
[Appears from front door] Hey, can you believe that this guy today told me I was complicated?
ILIan, Lip, Carl, Debbie and Liam
Yes.
Well, you married that guy after, like, a week.
And you cheated on him with your car thief ex-boyfriend.
Debbie
Who had several different names.
Almost married a heroin addict.
Hid my meth inside our dead mother's casket.
Debbie
Didn't you also get fired from a job for fucking your boss' brother?
Testified against me to the military, fired me, stole my church.
Okay, I get it. I'm complicated. I'm gonna go walk my dog now. Well, I can keep going. Fuck you guys. At least Rusty loves me. [Leaves out backdoor]
Fiona, your dog's been barking all fuckin' night.
Wasn't Rusty. He was with me at the apartment.
This is where we first made ramen noodles together.
What's with the... documentary?
Oh, I'm making a video scrapbook for my boo before he goes AWOL on me.
Kassidi's having some separation anxiety with me leaving to go back to the academy in a couple weeks. She wants to make sure I remember the goods I got back at home.
This is where you first went down on me.
Oh, place is turning into the fuckin' Super 8.
Yeah, that's why I've been sleeping at my building.
What, you haven't rented that apartment yet?
No, I will. Just... too many folks crashing here right now.
Debbie
That's Toto. He's tied up outside.
Debbie
Belongs to the hipster couple up the street. Got a job dog sitting.
Like 101 Dalmatians up in here.
Yeah, Toto sounds pissed, Debs.
Debbie
Yeah, he gets barky sometimes. I can't figure out why. But they pay 40 bucks a day, and I need money for welding school tuition.
You and, uh, Trev boning again?
Definitely turning a corner.
Everybody's boning somebody but me?
Debbie
Duran and I call it "besties with benefits."
[Scoffs] I hope you're all double-bagging. This place is already too crowded.
And for you, my sweet, hot bitch... I found it.
[Holds up necklace with a vial] What is it? Is that blood? Is that your blood?
Yeah. It's your blood now. You possess me, and vice versa. [Brings Carl to sink with a kitchen knife] Here. Come here. I'll try not to nick an artery.
Debbie
Gross.
PPhysician
How's the pain?
Debbie
It's starting to hurt a little.
PPhysician
The trauma doc was inclined to amputate, which may have been warranted. All three toes are severely damaged, crushed, for lack of a better word. There's not enough blood circulating to ensure they won't go necrotic.
Debbie
W-what does that mean?
PPhysician
Die. And if your toes die, then you're talking gangrene, and next thing you know, you lose your leg.
Debbie
But you can fix 'em, right?
PPhysician
Surgery's only part of the process. You'll be off your feet for months, and then at least year of physical therapy.
Debbie
A year? I-I can't... Well, what would the surgery cost?
PPhysician
It'll run you at least $50,000.
Debbie
Holy shit. For three toes? W-what happens if I can't afford the surgery? I just die?
PPhysician
No. We remove the toes, and then you're back on your feet in a couple of days. Costs $6,000, $7,000. You'll be a little wobbly at first. Need a special shoe. Let me know what you decide.
I met your friend Dylan's dad.
You tell him I can go on the yacht vacation with them tomorrow?
I looked the man up. He makes nothing. He creates nothing. He buys businesses, tears them apart, sells the pieces, and then discards the employees like trash. He's a legal thief.
[Serves him waffles] Here you are, Liam.
Thank you so much. He wants the companies to fail. The world's not just, Liam. No one's gonna take care of us in our old age. We have a moral duty to rip this asshole off. You know how to take photos with this?
What is keeping Carl? His bacon's getting cold.
Debbie
I cauterized the stumps. They were still bleeding, so I went to the ER.
Waste of money. Cauterization has been used since the Egyptians were building pyramids.
Debbie
Are those waffles? Yum.
So can I go on the cruise with Dylan's family or not?
I'm very proud to be your partner.
And your job, partner, is to go to the Caribbean and have a great time. After you get the code.
To turn off the alarm. And pics of their valuables and of the security system. One more big score, I can retire in style.
Debbie
Hey, Fiona.
Hey. Just back for a shower and a quick change of clothes. Jesus. What happened to your toes?
Debbie
Frank cut 'em off.
Debbie
It's no big deal. I asked him to. You get rid of the squatters yet?
No. Ford and Nessa are watching the building while I go to a lawyer thing.
Burn 'em out. It's the oldest trick in the slumlord's handbook, arson. You set a good blaze, they got two choices, run out of the building screaming or burn to death, and you get to the collect the insurance. Has anyone seen my other boot?
I'm not gonna burn my building down, Frank.
Why not? Being a landlord sucks. Tenants who won't pay their rent, toilets clogged with... massive after Thanksgiving turds... there it is. You need to get in touch with Pyro Paulie.
Paulie Paterniski. Best firebug on the South Side. I think he works at the Handy Mart now. Don't let his looks scare you. He had a trigger fuse on a bucket of jet fuel go sideways on him. The doctors used skin from his ass to rebuild his face. Ah... Fucking A, this one's to the workingman...
What's with the uniform, G.I. Joe? I thought you were off for the summer.
Yeah, aren't you supposed to be "at rest"?
At ease. And there is no ease for a soldier who's West Point bound. Debs, can you pass me the milk? Debs.
Debbie
[Reading newspaper] Eighty cents. That's how much women make on the dollar compared to men. And if you're a woman of color, 65 cents. This is a sexist shit nugget of a country. Don't you forget that.
Oh, Debs! Thank God you're not working. Hey, I need a favor. I gotta take V to this nursery school tour. Can you watch the girls for like an hour? They can't come. Thanks.
Debbie
Why are you speaking to me?
Debbie
No. Why are you speaking to the only woman in the room, Kevin Ball? Why is childcare a woman's job? Let me tell you why. Did you know that the average American man works about 17.5 hours a week doing unpaid home labor? Cooking, cleaning. While women, however, spend about 28.4 hours a week. Now, considering the fact that the average American makes $26.82 an hour, that's $40,000 a year that women are not getting paid to cook, clean, and wipe baby asses.
Debbie
[Scoffs] Come on, Franny, let's oppose patriarchal oppression.
Debbie
My name is Debbie Gallagher and I am a welder with a vagina, and I am here to stand up to patriarchy! I am looking for any and all female employees...!
CMConstruction man
Show us your pussy!
Debbie
To stand up with me, and say no! We need to stick together, ladies.
CMConstruction man
Sup, double Ds?
Debbie
We will not be silent! Ow, you fucking dickhead. You almost hit my kid. 'Ey, 'ey, 'ey, yo, lady, you gotta go.
CMConstruction man
You distracting my men.
Debbie
They're a bunch of pig fucks.
CMConstruction man
We see boobs!
Debbie
I am not leaving until I get to speak to one of your female employees.
CMConstruction man
There aren't any!
Debbie
You don't have one female employee?!
CMConstruction man
No! So get your smelly cunt out of here!
Shameless · 903 quotes
