Kelly quotes from Shameless

Easy answer, yes, but Kev made me sign some form that I wouldn't fuck anyone who's too drunk to provide consent.

Kelly

Who's Kev?

He's the Vagina Safe guy.

Kelly

Tell Kev I can keep my own vagina safe.

...

[Carl wakes up with Kelly on top of him]

Kelly

What the hell is this?!

My phone?!

Kelly

Did you film yourself fucking me while I was passed out?!

I filmed myself not fucking you as proof!

Kelly

Proof of what?!

Not fucking you!

Kelly

You lying piece of shit! [Carl shove her off him]

Kelly

Why didn't you just leave me here?

I didn't want you to choke on your own puke.

Kelly

Bullshit!

[Kelly kicks out Carl's leg and he falls down]

Kelly

You're just like those rich pricks downstairs who think girls are their personal fuck toys. Your clip-on tie is gonna hurt way worse than a real one when I shove it 12...! [Carl knocks her down and runs out the room]

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Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, I have a better one. So Carl's, like, five or six years old, right?

Enough with these Carl stories.

Kelly

[To Carl] Hey, let me get that.

No way. I want more.

Kelly

Me too.

Wow, looks like you're the one going to prison. Mm, this is amazing.

I can't believe you've never had White Castle before.

I only eat carrots, and then I throw them up. [They laugh]

Kelly

Come on, tell the story.

All right, so he's five or six years old--

Wait- wait- wait, is this the penis or the cat story?

Penis.

Shit.

And he thought pee was stored in his scrotum.

Kelly

No.

But he called it his... [With Ian] Bubble gum.

Yeah. 'Cause it looks like bubble gum.

He took a screwdriver...

KBKelly both Jen

No!

Yeah. Yep.

Kelly

Is that what that scar is?

Uh-huh.

Well, and why the hell'd you do that?

I thought I'd save some time, bypass the penis.

[Laughs] Creative.

See? I'm a genius. Yeah, you're a genius.

Did pee come out?

It smelled like pee.

Oh, God.

What a genius.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. I got stuck on the El for 20 minutes.

Nice. Hey, what's going on, Deb?

[Grabs White Castle bag] Ooh. Yes.

Was it two?

Was it?

Why is that chick from those makeup commercials having dinner with us? Oh, shit, that's you.

Mm.

Hey, she's also done 17 movies and 4 TV shows.

And nominated for three Golden Globes and a People's Choice Award.

LBLip both Ian

Whoa.

You're famous. You make a lot of money doing those commercials, huh?

Kelly: Hey.

What?

Kelly: Say the line.

No. Oh, you guys...

KLKelly and Lip

come on...

[Turns head dramatically] Face it. You're gorgeous.

Ian: Wow!

[Clapping hands] Whoo, whoo!

Kelly: Nice.

Ian: Okay, now the Carl cat story. Debs, you take this one.

Shit.

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Kelly

So there's a loophole for West Point. It's there in the fine print. If your academics are not up to snuff, you can submit a personal statement explaining that you've had hardships in the classroom or at home.

Kelly, I'm tired.

Kelly

Okay, what's been difficult about your life? Just ballpark. Was growing up on the South Side rough?

No, it's awesome here.

Kelly

Come on, Carl, try. I want you to get in.

Why?

Kelly

Because I want my boyfriend to be West Point, Cadet.

Wait, I'm your boyfriend? Gross.

Kelly

Yes. So this is called the Adverse Childhood Experience Study. All you have to do is answer yes or no, and you get a point for every fucked-up thing that you've lived through.

Okay.

Kelly

Before your 18th birthday, did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you?

Yes.

Kelly

Oh, which one?

All four.

Kelly

That's four points, Carl. Finally, a test he does well on. Uh, before your 18th birthday, did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker, alcoholic, or used street drugs?

Yes. Also, I abused and sold street drugs myself.

Kelly

Wow. Okay, great. That's two points. Uh, before your 18th birthday, was a biological parent ever lost to you through divorce, abandonment, or death?

Yeah, all three.

Kelly

Carl, you've had tremendous hardships! We- we can write the shit out of this personal essay! They're gonna beg you to go to West Point.

Oh, and I also microwaved a bunny once too.

Kelly

Excellent.

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[Lip and Kelly are finished making love in her car]

So?

Kelly

Eh.

"Eh"?

Kelly

Like, a... six out of ten.

What?! I- I need a breakdown of that scorecard. I mean, where- where did I lose points on this?

Kelly

Well, it wasn't jabby, per se, but it was fairly thrust-y.

What?!

Kelly

Thrust, thrust, thrust. You have to rotate.

Yeah, well, I'd do a hell of a lot better if we were in an actual bed. I mean, this is, what, the smallest car in America? I mean, I'm cramping up.

Kelly

Did the cavemen have beds? No. Did Tarzan? Did that pro surfer I dated?

All right, that's it. That's it. We're going again, all right, and I'm not letting you out of this car until I get a ten.

Kelly

This is my car, punk.

Hey, I don't care how long this takes.

Kelly

Okay, well, wake me when it's over.

All right.

Kelly

[Laughs] Oh, God. Oh!

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Kelly

[Poking head out bedroom window to peer down on Carl below] What are you doing here?!

I've been waiting in the tent all night!

Kelly

But you should have been working on your hardship essay for West Point!

I've had to jerk off twice! I can't write about that to West Point!

Kelly

My dad found out that I've been skipping softball camp to hang out with you! He'll kill you if he finds you here!

He only has one working limb! That doesn't scare me! [Carl realizes someone is holding a gun to his head]

MKMajor Keefe

It only takes one limb to pull a trigger, son. Get inside.

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MKMajor Keefe

[On phone with Kelly] Get your ass home right now, young lady, or I'm taking your truck keys...

[Debbie comes in house with contractor equipment] What are you doing?

Making this house cost-efficient. Adding insulation to the attic, welding leaking pipes, adding timers to light switches.

MKMajor Keefe

Where are you?

Kelly

No, I'm not at Carl's.

MKMajor Keefe

Then where are you, and when are you coming home?

Kelly

My whereabouts are confidential.

MKMajor Keefe

Not from your father, they're not.

Kelly

I'll let you know when the information gets declassified.

MKMajor Keefe

That's it. That's the last...

Kelly

[Stifling laughter] God, if I knew pissing off my dad would be this much fun, I would've started years ago. Um... I don't think we should be seeing each other anymore.

Um, why?

Kelly

Uh, because... you're not... hot enough.

I'm not "hot enough"?

Kelly

Right.

For you?

Kelly

Mm...

[Answers phone] Hello, sir?

MKMajor Keefe

We had a deal, Gallagher.

Uh, now's really not a good time.

Kelly

[Grabs Carl's phone] Uh... Sorry, Carl Gallagher's phone is out of service. He'll call you back never. [Throws phone on floor]

What the fuck? Why you always got to be throwing my phone like that? [Kelly gets Carl in an armlock on couch] Ow, ow, ow!

Kelly

What did he offer you?

Nothing.

Kelly

Bullshit! A spot at West Point?

No. We... then why are you breaking up with me?

Kelly

I don't want to mess your future up. Your run times have been up, your test scores have been down ever since you met me. I don't want to screw up your shit to Annapolis.

What if I don't want to go to Annapolis? What if I'm sick of working so hard? What if... I just want to stay here and eat Fritos with your family and watch TV and enjoy life for once?

[Comes in door] Getting your ass kicked by a girl again, Carl?

Why are you walking like that?

Just being a superhero in a five-K. He was wearing a 60 pound duffel and combat boots, so... I'm not sure it was that impressive.

What?

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Do you want to split another with me, or you want your own when you're back?

Kelly

Split with you. [To Carl] Be right back, fry guy. I'm so proud of you. [Kisses him on cheek]

The fuck you think you're doing?!

Putting peanut butter on a Ritz.

No, with Kelly. Why you trying to get with her?

What?

Stop fronting.

I'm not fronting. Her and I just get along good.

Aren't I supposed to get along well with my brother's girlfriend if she's awesome?

No, she's my awesome, not your awesome.

She's not a lesbian, dumb-ass.

Exactly. She's not gay. Although she is the kind of girl who could come out later in life. I'm not getting total gay vibes, but it's inconclusive, so... I'd say yeah, she'll probably eventually end up gay.

Just knock it off. I mean it.

There's nothing going on between me and your girlfriend. Keep your blouse on, Carl.

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Tami

Has anyone seen my breast pump? This baby refuses to eat! God, my boobs are gonna explode.

Kelly

[Showing phone] And this is me at target practice. I kept lining my sight up all wrong, but then Mitch helped me and- Uh, are you listening to me?

[Looks over to Anne] Yeah, uh-huh.

Kelly

What's with you and JLo?

Who, Anne?

Kelly

Uh-huh. She's just a friend from work. He shit again. Why is Anne here?

'Cause we're hiding her from ICE. Her family's gonna get deported to one of those facilities south of Texas. And I think I'm, like, a Democrat now or something.

Kelly

Democrat? [Laughs and starts to embrace Carl] You're so funny, Carl!

AAnne

[Speaks Spanish] My God, it's hot with the stove going.

Can Amalia still watch Franny today?

Anne: Yep.