TamiOh, thank God. I would never hear the end of it from Cami.
Tami
Yep. Her sister, Tami.
Tami
Yeah, well, our parents, Pami and Sami, weren't very creative. I'm fucking with you. They're Bob and Kim. Are you the best man?
Tami
What's up with your hair? Are you, like, in the Marines or some shit?
I was freebasing. My head caught on fire. I'm fucking with you. No, I, uh, fell asleep with gum in my mouth.
Tami
That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard.
Oh, says the lady with the bouffant and the princess headband.
Tami
I spent hours on this.
Well, you can't get that time back, can you?
Tami
Any of you kids wanna do something fun with your Auntie Tami?
Tami
Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, who's never smoked a cigarette before?
CChildren
Me! Oh, you haven't?! Okay, well, the first one's the hardest, but you guys are gonna be great. Come on. Follow me. Follow your Auntie Tami.
Tami
So one older, two younger. I'm the almost-middle. Someone's got to be the problem child, right? Are you that one in your family?
All Gallaghers are problem children. This is spicy as hell.
Tami
I told you. Arturo knows what's up.
Tami
Anyway, that's what I like about doing hair. You can change it. Grows back. Hair is never the problem child.
Tami
You got a job?
Yeah, I, uh, fix bikes. You know, over at Born Free.
Tami
Mm, that's right, with Brad.
Tami
Yeah. You know I totally thought he was gay when I first met him?
Heh, actually, I did too.
Tami
Mm. b-t-dubs (by the way), all the women in my family die of ovarian cancer by the time they're 50, so I'm only on this Earth for another 25 years or so.
Oh. That's a pretty intense first date factoid.
Tami
Well, gotta take life by the balls.
Tami
Want to try and fuck me properly this time?
Tami
Yeah.
Yo, yo, yo. All right. I'm gonna tell you something. But when I tell you, don't look, all right?
Tami
Okay.
This guy has maybe the biggest dick I've ever seen.
Tami
How do you know?
It's bulging through his pants. It's like a fucking balloon animal. Don't look, though. Don't look.
Tami
Whoa.
Dude. No way that's real.
Tami
It's real.
Tami
You seriously walk around with a giant rubber dildo in your pants?
[Grabs Tami's hand and starts pulling her out of the room] Come on. We gotta go. I can't live here, all right?
RRealtor
If you don't believe me...
Hey, no, we believe you, man. We believe you, okay?
Tami
That's not real. It's not.
Either way, I don't want that guy fixing my sink.
[Lip and Tami pull up to the Gallagher residence]
Tami
So was it weird buying actual green things at the grocery store?
Hey, I've bought green things before. Guacamole, Mountain Dew, Jell-O, mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Tami
You gonna list every crappy green thing?
Yeah, I can go on. Shamrock shakes. Green eggs and ham. [Lip and Cami walk up to find Xan sitting on porch steps] Xan?
XXan
I didn't know where else to go.
Tami
Lip?
Tami
Doctor's office called. They want me to call them back at noon, uh, go over the results of my test with them.
Tami
Five of. I just thought I should, uh, be with someone in case I try to jump off a roof or throw myself in front of a bus or something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
Tami
Yeah.
Hey, Tami. How you doing?
Tami
It's none of your fucking business, Brad.
Okay. Come on. I'll find someplace to make that call.
Tami
[On phone] Yeah, I understand. Right. Great. Yeah. No, thank you. [Sighs] Let me think it over. Uh-huh. [Hangs up and sighs] Positive. BRCA1. It's good.
That's... That's "baby good," right?
Tami
Yeah, it's "baby good."
So I don't have to worry about you trying to find any tall buildings or anything?
Tami
No.
Tami
I'm actually afraid of heights. Shotgun in the bathtub's more my style. [Sighs] Fuck! I don't want to have a baby just to save my tits!
[Exhales sharply] Okay. I gotta have an abortion. I mean, I work in a hair salon. I breathe bleach fumes all day. This baby's gonna come out with, like, five heads and a dorsal fin.
Tami. Tami, Tami. Hey, breathe. Breathe. All right? Good. If having the baby reduces the chances of cancer, maybe you should have the baby.
Tami
And what? Die on the kid when it's 13, like my mom did to me? Leave it an orphan?
It wouldn't be an orphan.
Tami
Right, because you're gonna take care of it.
Tami
And what about when you die, too, Lip? You know, the way you smoke cigarettes, it'll be a miracle if you make it to 40.
Tami
You'll quit. Right.
Tami
Hi. Who are you supposed to be today?
Liam, sausage and eggs. Grab a plate.
I don't eat the white man's swine.
Tami
Pork.
[Reaches for plate] I like swine.
Hey! [Slaps Frank's hand with spatula]
Only kids under 12 eat for free. Everybody else pays.
[On phone] Hi, how's it going?
Tami
I dropped him in a pile of beer bottles. Broken glass everywhere. Franny's giving him mouth-to-mouth, but it's not looking good.
Tami
He's screaming because he's a baby, Lip. Bye. [Hangs up and makes a totally unimpressed face]
Tami
Has anyone seen my breast pump? This baby refuses to eat! God, my boobs are gonna explode.
[Showing phone] And this is me at target practice. I kept lining my sight up all wrong, but then Mitch helped me and- Uh, are you listening to me?
[Looks over to Anne] Yeah, uh-huh.
Uh-huh. She's just a friend from work. He shit again. Why is Anne here?
'Cause we're hiding her from ICE. Her family's gonna get deported to one of those facilities south of Texas. And I think I'm, like, a Democrat now or something.
Democrat? [Laughs and starts to embrace Carl] You're so funny, Carl!
[Speaks Spanish] My God, it's hot with the stove going.
Can Amalia still watch Franny today?
Anne: Yep.
Cool. [Tami throws a soiled diaper into trashcan and all exclaim]
Tami
Oh, grow up, you guys. We all poop.
Yeah, we don't all change our shit-filled underwear in the kitchen.
I've done it. It's closer to the washing machine. Just drop that dirty sucker in there. One of ya hits wash eventually.
Hey, what's with the backpack?
It's for carrying things, genius.
It's Franny's. If I find any sеx or drսg paraphernalia in there, I'll kill you in your sleep, Frank.
[Walking with Tami pushing Freddie in a stroller] Hey, you think maybe we went a little overboard? I mean, well, it is summer.
Tami
Well, I guess I could take off the parka.
Tami
Okay.
All right. What? What? No, I'm-- I'm happy we're doing this together.
Tami
Me too.
All right. There they are. They're gonna hate me.
Tami
What? Why did I agree to this again?
Hey, look, you'll be fine. All right? I'll make the intro, then I'll take off. You can connect mom-to-mom. You know, just... share your mom stuff. [Lip greets other woman of support group and introduces Tami to them]
Oh, and one of us has to go to the store today and get more diaper cream 'cause his rash is now halfway up his back.
Tami
Oh, yeah. Talk dirty to me. [Laughs]
Wait. Wait. You said it's worse than yesterday.
Tami
What?
Tami
Uh, no, it's fine.
Tami
His ass is fine. And your ass is fine. [Giggles]
Yeah. It's just--sorry. It's just, the new daycare says they can't take him if he's sick.
Tami
It's diaper rash. It's not the bubonic plague. All babies have diaper rash.
Okay. [Tami giggles] Mm, maybe we should get it checked out, though.
Tami
[Groans] Lip.
Tami
[Pulls open shower curtain of Lip ablutions] Hey, you seen this? Jesus! It's the hospital bill. Childbirth, emergency surgery, ICU...
Tami
Thirty-six hundred.
Tami
That's after insurance. I mean, how are we gonna pay this? [Hands Lip a towel and he sighs] Here.
That's easy. We're not. We already brought him home. What are they gonna do? Take him back?
Tami
Well, they delivered our baby and saved my life.
Yeah, and that was their choice. They didn't give me the option of leaving Fred in the oven or letting you die on the operating table.
Tami
So you would've let me die?
I mean, if I knew it was gonna cost us four grand...
Tami
...yeah, maybe. [Chuckles] Look, we have to pay this.
Tami
Isn't not paying your bills stealing?
No. Charging us money while your life is on the line, that's extortion. Right? Hmm. We're, uh, Robin Hooding, you know? We're stealing from the rich, giving to the poor.
Tami
You're not Robin Hood.
Tami
So, what, so you steal stuff?
Tami
Like what?
[Chuckles] I don't know. It's a long list.
Tami
Okay, well, like, uh, food from the grocery store?
Yeah, like food from anywhere.
Tami
Money?
[Sigh] That a real question?
Tami
What-cars?
No. But, uh, never say never.
Tami
Wow.
Tami
No, you're just... exactly the role model I always wanted for my kid.
TNTV news reporter
Next up, a Florida man was found dead today, facedown in the lobster tank of a Tampa grocery store.
OOopie
[Setting down bowls of cereal] Here you go. A proper breakfast. The sugar in this cereal will kill you. In your case, however, I suspect that your lifestyle will kill you before your diet does.
Was that Mickey this morning?
With a twink named Byron.
You know, like Ms. Del Rey's kid. Yoga pants and glitter. Eh, not always. But yeah, sure.
So if you tell someone you're not marrying them, that means they can sleep with other people?
No. But Mickey's emotional IQ is lower than Carl's actual IQ.
Shit. You're fսckеd, dude.
Nah, he'll work it out of his system and we'll talk it out like adults. It'll be fine.
Tami
[Comes in door with Lip] Hang on to your wallets, everyone. Lip is here.
OOopie
Oh, there's my gorgeous niece. Prettier- mwah- than Megyn Kelly and smarter too. Oh, objectified by America and sexually harassed by your bosses? It's every girl's dream. Megyn Kelly? A blonde news host.
She thinks Santa's white.
Hey, did I hear a girly bike pull up this morning?
Oh, so you leaving him at the altar, that's become a thing, huh?
I- I didn't leave him at the altar.
LLLiam and Lip
Yes, you did.
I mean... It was City Hall. We were only getting married to outsmart the cops.
OOopie
You made the right decision. Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman.
Tami
What's that smell? Self-righteousness.
Tami
No. The air smells...clean.
Where is Frank? Haven't seen him in a while.
Enjoy it while it lasts. He'll be back to stinking up the place in no time, right? [Sets do Freddie in kiddie pen] Oh, there you go.
Shameless · 903 quotes
