[as Mike and Carol first encounter, and flee from the titular giant spider]
JAJoel [as the Spider]
Hey, come back! I'm actually beneficial! I eat harmful household pests! Jim Morrison drank my venom!
S3Earth vs. the Spider (movie)
[as officers carry out the desiccated corpse of Carol's father]
SCSheriff Cagle
When you get into town, make out a coroner's report. Just put down Jack Flynn is the name..
JAJoel [as Cagle]
Dry's the game.
CCagle
The cause of death, uh...
KKingman
It was the spider. Drained all the liquid out of his body.
CCagle
Uh, just put down "cause unknown" and let the coroner worry about the rest.
CACrow [as Cagle]
And put some lotion on him or something, he looks like hell.
PProfessor
It's what we ordinarily call a bird spider...
JAJoel [as Professor]
Yeah, this one's called a big flippin bird spider.
[a scene has just ended where the body of the spider has kicked a scientist while unconscious, and people are laughing it off; the scene transitions to Carol grieving her deceased father as her mother attempts to comfort her]
JAJoel [as Carol]
I don't think he's funny! Daddy's dead, and everyone's making jokes!
SAServo [as Carol]
This music's making me wretch, mom. Turn it off.
CACrow [as Carol's mom]
Oh, still upset about dad? That guttersnipe would have traded you for a case of German beer any old day.
CSCarol's Mother
Don't, Carol...
CCarol
I can't help it, mother.
CSCarol's Mother
I know. I loved him too...
JAJoel [as Carol's Mother]
Sometimes, like the day he was sober...
CCarol
I keep thinking that it was my fault...
SAServo [as Carol's Mother]
Granted...
CSCarol's Mother
How could it be?
CCarol
It never would have happened if he hadn't gone to get me that present...
CACrow [as Carol's Mother]
Good point.
CCarol
Now I've lost him...
CSCarol's Mother
You mustn't think of it that way, Carol.
Mom's all broken up...
CCarol
Why did I have to drop it in that cave? I wanted so much to keep it, mother!
CSCarol's Mother
Forget about it now, dear. You have your homework to get ready for tomorrow. [gets up to leave]
JAJoel [as Carol's Mother]
I don't want you getting bad grades just 'cause dad's worm food.
CSCarol's Mother
Oh, and I forgot. Mike called you twice before you got home from school and said he'd be at his father's theater.
SAServo [as Carol]
His... father's-? [sobs loudly]
[as a scene opens outside a movie theater, featuring a familiar movie poster]
CCrow
Hey! "What kind of sin must a man commit in a single lifetime?"
Cool!
MSMike's Father
Mike, you're wanted on the phone.
CACrow [as Mike's Father]
And get my shirts from the laundry.
[Mike goes inside]
JAJoel [as Mike]
Oh boy, I get to walk by that poster again. Cool!
[Mike walks into a room with multiple photos featuring shots of various films from Bert I. Gordon]
... everywhere... oh Bert...
Hello?
CCarol
Hi Mike, this is Carol. You said you'd take me out to the cave to find the bracelet.
CACrow [as Arnold Schwarzenegger]
I lied.
You don't mean right now, do you?
CCarol
If you can get away. Please Mike?
Carol, not today, my dad just got in a new picture and I haven't even seen it yet. Something about puppet people. Sounds pretty wild.
Oh, shame on you, Bert I. Gordon...
CCarol
Please?
Oh, okay, I think I can borrow Joe's car again.
CCarol
Only don't come by the house for me. I don't want mother to know I'm going out there.
Alright, I'll be down at the corner in 15 minutes.
CCarol
I'll be waiting.
[Mike runs outside]
I'll see you dad, I got a date now!
MSMike's Father
Where will you be? I said where will you be if I want you?
SAServo [as Mike's Father]
Wait! Aren't you going to watch that wonderful Bert I. Gordon movie?
[as the giant spider revives in the school gymnasium as the band rehearses and the drama club is dancing, scaring everyone out of the room; the janitor sees everyone fleeing]
JAJoel [as the Janitor]
Oh, someone must have puked big time, I'll get extra sawdust.
[the janitor looks in the room]:
SSpider
RRRRRAAAAAA!!!
[the janitor immediately slams and locks the door]
CACrow [as the Janitor]
I'm gonna lock them kids in there!
...
[the Janitor is desperately calling Mr. Kingman as the spider knocks on the wall]
CCrow
[chanting as the phone rings] Wait fo' da beep.
JCJoel, Crow, and Servo
[chanting] Wait fo' da beep! NOBODY'S HOOOOOME! NOBODY'S HOOOOME!
...
[the spider breaks free and towers over the janitor after Kingman answers the phone]
JJanitor
It's the spider- THE SPIDER- [drops the phone in terror and puts his hands up]
Oh no, not a crane shot! No, no, not the crane shot! Nooo!
Mammy! Mammy!
[scene cuts to Kingman's residence]
KKingman
Hello? Hello?
CACrow [as Kingman]
Mr. Oh My God Crunch Crunch? Look, spit out whatever you're chewing and start over.
S3Aquatic Wizards (short)
[singing over footage of young women water-skiing]
Gee, I hope I'm skating pretty
Gee, I hope I get a boyfriend
Gee, I hope I don't get acne
I'm having so much fun now!
AAnnouncer
This time, the Mexican jumping-bean will do a one-and-a-half spin on the ramp, landing backwards and completing the other half on water.
CCrow
This time, the white fascist narrator will make a racial slur!
SAServo [as Anouncer]
Ha, but what do I know? I'm only a fat hick announcer, mowing down pretzels and pinwheel cookies, and trying to come to grips with the tattered ends of a once promising life gone horribly wrong, God, God, why, why???....
Shhh, It's just a movie.
S3Catching Trouble (short)
CCrow
[imitating Emo Philips after Joel points out Ross's seminal guide resembles him] I was wondering if we could go into the woods, and maybe we could see some am-i-nals.
[as Ross in the ensuing host segment while a rubber rattlesnake is stuck inside a bag alongside a figure of Ross] Not the giant rattler! Please; I can't do that! He hates me; we went to camp together!
[in closing during the ensuing host segment] If you enjoy catching trouble in any way, there's something wrong with you!
Any questions?
[Ross finds wild bobcat tracks and begins to follow the trail]
[as Ross/Reg Presley] Wildcat, I think I love you, but I wanna know for sure.
CCrow
[watching Ross drag a bear cub forcibly out of a tree] Joel, do they really do this on Earth?
Isn't this wrong?
Yeah guys; I'm deeply ashamed of my race right now.
Deservedly so! [...] There's nothing like imposing your dominance over a bunch of helpless creatures, is there, Ross?
S3Teenage Caveman (movie)
In the beginning, there was chaos...
SAServo [as Narrator]
Run by Bernie Kopell.
[a flash of light appears]
CCrow
Oh, and then God showed up.
And a voice said, "Let there be light."
Oh, this is a biblical chalk talk. I've seen these.
And the dark was separated from the light.
SAServo [as Narrator]
And permanent press was separated from cottons.
There was created, the waters and the land.
CACrow [as Narrator]
And Charlton Heston. ConTel.
And they were made, the sun to rule the day, and the moon to rule the night, and the stars to give light in the darkness. The Earth was made to bear growing green things, and fruit.
Frogs.
Oh, this is Fantasia before they colorized it.
[lots of eyes begin appearing onscreen] The animals were created, and they were fruitful, and multiplied.
CCrow
They all look like Orphan Annie.
And then there came... man.
CACrow [as Narrator]
To screw the whole thing up!
SJServo and Joel
Hey!
CCrow
Well, what about Ross?
[The Symbol Maker's teenage son (Robert Vaughn) argues with his father over their choice in hunting grounds]
SMSymbol Maker's Son
Why do we hunt in a place where there are dead trees and only a few animals to give to the fire, when there's plenty there? [footage of a field and lake with a swimming brontosaurus is shown]
CCrow
Why am I thinking about gas stations?
SMSymbol Maker
[Land like that] promises a lot, but gives only a place to die.
Oh, like Hollywood!
SMSymbol Maker
There are shadows there deep and cold and dirt that eats men.
CCrow
[as Symbol Maker] And kids that eat paste!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.