[The astronauts are discussing sleeping to preserve oxygen]
CCrow
Well I have sleep apnea so I won't need much.
S4Space Travelers
S4The Giant Gila Monster
[The film's title appears on the screen]
JCJoel, Crow & Tom
[singing to tune of Hava Nagila]: Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila!
[Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.]
CChase
[singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!"
I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row.
CChase
[singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!"
CCrow
That's why the Deuteronomy's so long.
[While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.]
JAJoel [as Gila Monster]
And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!"
[As Chase's nitro-laden hot rod careens towards the Gila Monster.]
TATom [as Colonel Kurtz]
The horror! The horror!
[The hot rod collides with the lizard and explodes.]
CCrow
Aw, they killed off the only likeable character!
[Chase gets two twenty dollar bills as payment.]
CChase
Two twenties!
That makes thirty dollars!
Hey Gypsy, come here! [Gypsy starts to appear from underneath Joel]
Gypsy, no! It's too small!
[Everyone including Gypsy screams as she inadvertently knocks everyone down, including the entire Malt Shop.]
These two, nothing but trouble... Back after this.
S4City Limits
TSTV's Frank
It's none other than British pop star, Morrissey!... He's a little depressed.
[Frank turns to Morrissey]
TSTV's Frank
So Morrissey, uh, how ya' doin'?
MMorrissey
[turns to Dr. Forrester] He hurt me with that remark. Did I mention that I cried?
TSTV's Frank
Well, I mean, c'mon Morrissey. We're basically evil, granted, but a lot of what we say is just good-natured ribbing.
MMorrissey
Well, it hurt me. Did I mention that I cried?
MMorrissey
This is a song that I wrote in a time in my life when I was very, very, very sad. Breakfast, actually. It's called "Hairdresser in a Coma": I cried last night, I died a million deaths. Thinking of your sweet face, and the way you sing. I cried inside, we lied and died. And then I cried again. I must have weep for hours...
[Woody and Yogi (Rae Dawn Chong), two young ruffians, are mildly injured in a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.]
WWoody
I lost a tooth.
SAServo [as Yogi]
Oh Jeez, I told you to floss!
[Woody spits his tooth out as Yogi giggles with unwarranted glee.]
CACrow [as Woody]
Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up.
This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny.
He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl.
[Sammy, a spastic gang member, eats cat food from a can]
SSammy
It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good!
Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels.
[Mick, a rival gang leader, admonishes Woody]
MMick
You're nothin'.
JAJoel [as Woody]
Oh yeah? Well you're a... dumb... head.
MMick
I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but--
CACrow [as Woody]
Nope. Pretty much squat there, too.
MMick
We ain't stupid.
BBolo
Nobody's calling anybody stupid, Mick.
CCrow
Not on screen anyway.
[The Clippers gang approaches a house, only to have a gunshot hit the ground in front of them]
CCrow
Oh, Austin City Limits!
[Albert (James Earl Jones) is carrying out an aerial attack on the villains' headquarters using explosive-laden R/C model aircraft.]
TATom [as Albert]
This is F.U.N.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.