I am reopening my family's most legendary experiment; Mystery Science Theater 3000! I'm gonna blow up this brand, and then sell it to Disney for a billion dollars!
S11Reptilicus
[as the miners discover flesh and bones on the copper drill]
MMiner
Bones?
Jim!
MMiner
Fossil bones.
Fossil Jim!
CCrow
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and it's this movie!
Okay, out.
CCrow
What? But that's Shakespeare!
Out!
CCrow
Oh, c'mon...
Now you're Mister Filing Cabinet!
Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved right here at the dish rack.
[as the scenes cut rapidly]
Door is ajar.
CCrow
The temperature is negative five degrees!
He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone.
The time is 5:06 a.m.
CCrow
The temperature is ten degrees!
Door is ajar.
He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone.
The time is 8:06 a.m.
CCrow
The temperature is twenty degrees!!!
CCrow
Only God can play God, and sometimes Morgan Freeman!
[during a shot of two officers playing chess]
CACrow [as officer]
Bingo. Yahtzee. King me. I don't really know how to play backgammon.
S11Cry Wilderness
[as the title card appears]
CCrow
Well, if you insist.
CSCrow, Servo, and Jonah
WILDERNESS!
[as Bigfoot yells for Paul in his sleep]
BBigfoot
Your father is in great danger, Paul!
SAServo [as Paul]
Sweetums, is that you???
BBigfoot
He needs your help!
CACrow [as Bigfoot]
And like ten bucks for gas money so he can get back to Albany!
BBigfoot
Hurry, Paul!
JAJonah [as Bigfoot]
I've shouted at three different boy schools! Is this the right Paul?!
DMr. Douglas
You're too old to believe in fairy tales!
GGyspy
He is? What a terrible way to find out.
[as Paul runs through the landscape near a lake away from his father, who is carrying a rifle]
SAServo [as Paul]
Ha ha, dad! Chase me! I'm precocious and filled with wonder! We are but stardust!
CCrow
You can't spell "dad" without ADD.
WWill
Paul!
JAJonah [as Will]
Aww, I'm gonna have to wing him to stop him. Won't be the first time. BANG!
[cut to them both across the lake]
Wait a minute, did they just run across that lake?
WWill
PAAAUUUL!
CCrow
BANG!
JAJonah [as Paul]
But I'm still so curious!
CCrow
BANG!
Good idea kid. Hug him right at the butt of a loaded shotgun.
Wait a minute. Those are feet... attached to legs... that must mean... a person!
[as two raccoons make a mess in the kitchen of lots of food atop the kitchen counters]
CACrow [as a raccoon]
I went from Guardians of the Galaxy to this?!
SAServo [as other raccoon]
How do you think I feel? I was Ranger Rick!
. . .
You know, maybe the problem isn't raccoon in your kitchen so much as your habit for leaving all of your food on the countertop...OPEN.
Hey, looks like the table's free if you're looking for some yet unsoiled counterspace.
[Paul's father begins to laugh]
CCrow
Don't laugh. You people are pigs.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.