Mystery Science Theater 3000 · Season 9
[Pearl complains to Brain Guy about the mysterious whispering in the castle.]
Well, it's not me, Pearl! I'm sensing the presence of several disembodied souls… [increasingly melodramatically] wandering these dark halls in search of surcease, an end to their endless night… a howl of quiet desperation… towards an indifferent universe. Nepenthe! Nepenthe!
You are so gay.
I could be wrong.
[Steiner turns on the projecting machine, making numerous high-pitched sci-fi noises]
What's he doing?
Oh, he's just doing his patented incredibly-annoying sound effect routine!
[Dr. Hill narrowly avoids colliding with a car outside a laboratory]
You better watch where you're going!
Pretty you may be!
[A security guard approaches the woman's car and murmurs something]
Uh, he said "Pretty you may be!", ma'am. I'm not sure what he meant!
. . .
[Dr. Hill drives away]
Uh... driving she may be!
[Dr. Hill is parking her car]
Ah parking! What a great way to establish character and create tension!
[The car's engine makes odd noises]
An exhaust system she may need!
[British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.]
Laser Preheat!
Laser Pre-Heat… in!
Grease and flour cake pans!
Laser Emission Relay.
Laser Emission Relay… on!
Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… sucks!
Are we not blokes?
Relay One.
Relay One… in!
Really dumb scene… end!
[Virtually identical re-creation of projection scene.]
Yes! It's the same thing you've seen before! Only it's...happening again!
[A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.]
Gloria?
G-L-O-R-I-A?
Gloria!
In excelsis Deo!
Gloria!
I hear they got your number.
[Police are investigating Latham's murder.]
Can I get on?
Servo: [as Dr. Mitchel] Well, he's dead, but knock yourself out.
[The movie ends with Paul destroying the laboratory, and eventually himself with the projection laser]
Well, this is kind of an ambiguous ending. Is this film horrible or did it merely suck?
Yeah! Now that I have seen it, do I want to kick a dog or a cat?
Do I want the director just killed or should he be tortured first?
Crow!
. . .
[The last shot of the movie shows the screen covered in flames.]
Ah, so the movie and all the actors in it roast in Hell!!
[Mike and the 'bots cheer loudly]
[Over footage of an atomic bomb test]
Grandpa tried to use the microwave again.
Pat Buchanan's first day as President.
You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful...
Don't hit him...
...if you just take the time to look at it.
You're some guy, Makonnen.
. . .
You know, Captain...
Shut up, Ray.
. . .
[Chapman has just landed his ship solo]
Mike [as Chapman] Wow, how did I manage to land without that mincing co-pilot jabbering on about the good and the beautiful?
[After losing much of his oxygen during a space walk, Frank Chapman stumbles back into the ship's cockpit in a daze.]
Ohh, I'm gonna puke and it's gonna float around!
[Chapman starts having echoing auditory flashbacks to earlier parts of the movie. Mike and the bots' join the fun]
Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy...
Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed...
Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ain
Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your credit rating?...rating...rating...
I'm afraid you're not 7-Eleven timber, Frank...Frank...Frank...
You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had...
[After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.]
Man from Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people.
I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself.
…with courage and nudeness.
[Chapman is confused by Eden's explanation of how his ship was landed.]
I don't understand.
There are many things you will not understand here…
…being an obvious doorknob.
[Chapman is being tried while two women stand off to the side]
Look! Rose and Valerie, screaming from the gallery!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
