Mystery Science Theater 3000 · Season 13
[CIA agent Tommy (pop idol Frankie Avalon) waits while sexy Helga strips behind a curtain.]
Just try to pay no attention to that girl behind the curtain.
Try not to pay any attention to that hideous pattern.
. . .
I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to sing. Nah!
Good one, Frankie. We'll make fun of the movie, if you don't mind!
Oh, this one sounds familiar.
Shhhh...
[a bridge explodes as a funeral parade passes over it]
It's a boy!
Yay!
[as a female spy takes off her sunglasses and looks into the camera] Hello viewer, there were five mistakes in that scene. Can you name them all?
[being wheeled away by a group of women] Mr. West!
Hey, wait a minute!
But we have to surgery.
[Nick runs to the group of women as they turn to him with medical tools]
Feet in the stirrups, come on buddy.
Look ladies. My blue cross is all paid up.
[a nun sneaks behind him and incapacitates him]
Sorry, but this is out of network.
And then there were nun! [the nun slowly looks into the camera with an evil smile] Ha. Get it?
[dressed as Sir Anthony] Well old chaps, let's go over this bally mission one last time, what what?
Huh?
[dressed as Medika] It's simple. HMG and the CIA need you to get the VIP from the USA in his BMW to the HMV near the BBC with his DB at an ETA of 9:00 AM GMT.
Huh?
Greenwich Mean Time!
Jolly good, and I've arranged for the VP of HMV to arrive in a GMC supplied by MI5 ASAP with a 4k HDTV tuned to HGTV with a soundtrack by the Bee Gees.
Huh?!
Pay attention! This all has to go like clockwork!
Yes yes, the CW. So anyway, FYI...
Oh, I know that one! For your information.
Don't be ridiculous! That's Federal Yellowdress Informant. She'll meet the BMW at the UN with the USMC, BTO, CCR, and UB40 while you ROTFL on AOL, then BRB so we can TTYL.
Talk to you later.
Correct!
Ah! Then why'd you- oh you...
Precisely. Oklahoma University. So you see, the MC5 will approach the NSA VIP with their new CD on the QT, in the MI5 BMW at the VW and OMG, IRL, IMO, BTW, LOL, BRB. ABC NBC CBS AMC TNT CMA GMO ASPCA UCLA YMCA ICUP, OK?
Yeah, what do you say to that?
Uh, OWGMS.
Huh?
[movie sign sounds]
Jonah Oh, we got movie sign!
[Sumuru is handed a gun]
What's that thing?
It's for mommy's headaches.
Frankie Avalon's hair comes courtesy of Build-A-Bear Workshop.
Erno, are his clothes packed?
Yes, my lady.
Oh dear, I hope you were careful with that blue suit. It creases so.
Burn the suit.
And take care of his bill.
Yes, I wouldn't like to have an unpaid hotel bill on my conscience.
Keep joking, Mr. West.
Please don't.
You will be finished with jokes before the night is out.
Us too.
I was beginning to run out of material anyway.
Agreed.
[Helga undresses behind a curtain as a shirtless Tommy Carter sits with his back to it]
I don't get it. Why aren't I making out right now? I'm Frankie Avalon! Is the universe playing a joke on me?
...
[Helga comes out from behind the curtain, wrapped in a towel]
Sham-wow!
Well, what'd you have in mind?
Well, to prove to you I have no concealed weapons... [reveals herself to Tommy Carter, who smiles]
It's about damn time. I'm Frankie Avalon!
[Tommy Carter drops his pistol]
Bang!
[as Sumuru whips Nick West in a dungeon]
Okay, if there are any kids watching, it's past your bedtimes.
For three decades, the Forrester family experiment has resided on a number of platforms.
Comedy Central, the Sci-fi Channel, Netflix...
Kinga But my family thought too small. Why subject our home-grown experiment to the hands of thankless executives... when we could be the thankless executives??? Introducing, the Kinga-dome! Our premiere theater-
Connected to the Gizmoplex!
... Our premiere theater!!! ... for all things Mystery Science Theater 3000. A bright and shining beacon to the worst that cinema has to offer.
This is actually my favorite Castlevania sequel.
[translating a sign] Dr. Cesar Sepulveda, nuclear physicist.
Thursdays on Telemundo.
Jonah Heston [about Santo's silver wrestling mask] It's like a Hershey Kiss in a suit.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
