NNastasia
Do you want survival?
JAJoel [as Sally Struthers]
Sure, we all do!
S5Warrior of the Lost World
[A group of henchmen run around a corner and immediately get shot to death.]
CACrow [as henchman]
Whoa! That was dumb, can't believe we did that!
["Megaweapon" bears down on the hero and his ragtag band.]
JCJoel, Crow, Servo
Megaweapon… Megaweapon… Megaweapon…
[The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.]
CCrow
She's got a Lady Hemingway! [N]
[The end credits roll, ending with the dedication "For John"]
John? Heh, this movie belongs in the john.
S5Hercules
[Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.]
Attack of the Mary Martins! [N]
[Hercules is choking a lion.]
TSTom Servo [as lion]
Aww, Herc, I was kidding.
[After Hercules kills the lion a group of cavalry appear]
JAJoel [as a cavalry man]
Hi, we've come to get Scruffy, our pet lion! OH MY GOD!
(A Huge Cloud is seen on screen with some of the sun peaking through)
Crow:There will be patches of scattered god today
S5Swamp Diamonds
[The titles appear.]
CCrow
I need to know what not to do on a date! Hahaha!
[A person's name with 'Ph.D.' attached to it appears.]
What, she has a Ph.D. in dating?
Oh no, this is like having your mom talk to you about sex!
NNick
Uh, Kay… you wouldn't want to help get the scavenger sale ready at the community center… would you?
JAJoel [as Kay]
How many ways can I say "no"?!
KKay
Oh, I've been hearing about that. Yes, I'd like to very much.
CACrow [as Kay]
Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend Dave?
. . .
NNick
I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a date.
JAJoel [as Nick]
… with a loser like me.
NNick
Where's my racket?
SAServo [as Nick]
I should spank myself.
[Kay steps behind Nick while holding a hammer]
Kay's worked on the kill floor - she knows where to deliver the blow.
How does Jeff get ideas like that?
SAServo [as Narrator]
From the voices inside his head.
[Nick notices piece of paper on bulletin board]
Wait a minute, maybe this is where Jeff gets his ideas!
The lunch menu?
[Nick loads sandwiches onto his plate at the food table.]
Uh, Nick, other people have to eat, too.
Ice cream? I love this party!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.