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Mystery Science Theater 3000 · Season 3

“Teenage Caveman (movie)” quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

6 quotes

“Teenage Caveman (movie)” · Season 3

In this episode: Crow T. Robot (5), Tom Servo (5), Joel Robinson (4), Narrator (2)

In the beginning, there was chaos...

SAServo [as Narrator]

Run by Bernie Kopell.

[a flash of light appears]

Oh, and then God showed up.

And a voice said, "Let there be light."

Oh, this is a biblical chalk talk. I've seen these.

And the dark was separated from the light.

SAServo [as Narrator]

And permanent press was separated from cottons.

There was created, the waters and the land.

CACrow [as Narrator]

And Charlton Heston. ConTel.

And they were made, the sun to rule the day, and the moon to rule the night, and the stars to give light in the darkness. The Earth was made to bear growing green things, and fruit.

Frogs.

Oh, this is Fantasia before they colorized it.

[lots of eyes begin appearing onscreen] The animals were created, and they were fruitful, and multiplied.

They all look like Orphan Annie.

And then there came... man.

CACrow [as Narrator]

To screw the whole thing up!

SJServo and Joel

Hey!

Well, what about Ross?

[The Symbol Maker's teenage son (Robert Vaughn) argues with his father over their choice in hunting grounds]

SMSymbol Maker's Son

Why do we hunt in a place where there are dead trees and only a few animals to give to the fire, when there's plenty there? [footage of a field and lake with a swimming brontosaurus is shown]

Why am I thinking about gas stations?

SMSymbol Maker

[Land like that] promises a lot, but gives only a place to die.

Oh, like Hollywood!

SMSymbol Maker

There are shadows there deep and cold and dirt that eats men.

[as Symbol Maker] And kids that eat paste!

[the Symbol Maker's Son is conversing with a Blonde Maiden (played by Darah Marshall) about leaving the tribe to set out on his own]

SMSymbol Maker's Son

...So I wonder, how many strange things there are- beyond the river; even beyond the Green Place.

[as Blonde Maiden] He's been to Paradise, but he's never been to me.

BMBlonde Maiden

If you break the Law again, the people will give you death!

[as Symbol Maker's Son] I prefer liberty.

[a pack of hunters led by the Symbol Maker and his son have killed the fabled monster that lurks through the lands, and discover its true identity]

[the monster's mask is lifted, revealing an old man] Whoa; he's looked better.

Beach Dickerson!

SMSymbol Maker's Son

A man- a different kind of man. One came from the mountains and some were here.

He's been in the mountains for too long, dressed up in a goofy costume.

[The Symbol Maker's son removes something from the monster's corpse, finding a photobook of sorts]

Wait; what's this? It's a vintage contemporary!

SMSymbol Maker

[as the pack looks through the photographs inside with confusion and awe] I have no memory of these [symbols] in my mind, and these were made in a way unknown to me.

Yeah; the photo map.

SMSymbol Maker's Son

[stopping at a page regarding atomic warfare] Someday these must be known. It is a thing of wonder.

Yeah; I wonder when the film's gonna end.

[narration from the man who was the proclaimed "Monster That Gives Death With Its Touch" begins as the film concludes]

I and a party of 23 others were on a scientific expedition when the bombs began to fall.

Oh, message- message coming in! I bet it's from Beach Dickerson.

Its raw power was unleashed all over the world; retaliation added to retaliation until all traces of man's had been wiped from the face of the Earth. Some that survived the blast grew huge beyond all reason and formed as the dinosaurs of prehistory. Or some took on new forms altogether- mad in shape and purpose.

They became stock footage!

My comrades and I- half-protected by our radiation suits- found ourselves given an age far beyond the span allowed. Out of all the sprawling millions of the Earth, a handful escaped all harm through either fortune or design. After the nuclear holocaust, the wisest of them set out a long list of tablets. The laws are in the form of a religion now; it's strange to see them living the lives of Cro-Magnon man...

Cro-Magnon P.I.!

On occasion we tried to contact them, but they feared us; and our radiation killed those who came too close. And now... only I'm left, and the radiation has worn away these long, long years...

So you know it's okay.

[over a shot of the Symbol Maker's son] ...Now a new one thinks and wonders about the truth of the law- a man who will dare to try again. I am very lonely...

[as man] In fact, I'm dead!

Dead tired.

This happened a long time ago, and as you know men did meet other men and fire smelted metal and made explosives. The wheel turned machines and made gun barrels; the towers were built and flattened. How many times will it happen again, and if it does... will any at all survive the next time?

Doubtful.

Or will it be... THE END?

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