Mystery Science Theater 3000 · Season 3
“Earth vs. the Spider (movie)” · Season 3
In this episode: Joel Robinson (6), Crow T. Robot (5), Tom Servo (4), Mike Nelson (1)
I know something's happened to him.
Sure it did. Maybe he ran out of gas, he'd never meet anybody on this road... hold everything, what do you call that?
Oh, that's just a dead fa- a DEAD FATHER??? Oh nooo! [Sobbing]
Oh my God!
[as Mike and Carol first encounter, and flee from the titular giant spider]
Hey, come back! I'm actually beneficial! I eat harmful household pests! Jim Morrison drank my venom!
[as officers carry out the desiccated corpse of Carol's father]
When you get into town, make out a coroner's report. Just put down Jack Flynn is the name..
Dry's the game.
The cause of death, uh...
It was the spider. Drained all the liquid out of his body.
Uh, just put down "cause unknown" and let the coroner worry about the rest.
And put some lotion on him or something, he looks like hell.
It's what we ordinarily call a bird spider...
Yeah, this one's called a big flippin bird spider.
[a scene has just ended where the body of the spider has kicked a scientist while unconscious, and people are laughing it off; the scene transitions to Carol grieving her deceased father as her mother attempts to comfort her]
I don't think he's funny! Daddy's dead, and everyone's making jokes!
This music's making me wretch, mom. Turn it off.
Oh, still upset about dad? That guttersnipe would have traded you for a case of German beer any old day.
Don't, Carol...
I can't help it, mother.
I know. I loved him too...
Sometimes, like the day he was sober...
I keep thinking that it was my fault...
Granted...
How could it be?
It never would have happened if he hadn't gone to get me that present...
Good point.
Now I've lost him...
You mustn't think of it that way, Carol.
Mom's all broken up...
Why did I have to drop it in that cave? I wanted so much to keep it, mother!
Forget about it now, dear. You have your homework to get ready for tomorrow. [gets up to leave]
I don't want you getting bad grades just 'cause dad's worm food.
Oh, and I forgot. Mike called you twice before you got home from school and said he'd be at his father's theater.
His... father's-? [sobs loudly]
[as a scene opens outside a movie theater, featuring a familiar movie poster]
Hey! "What kind of sin must a man commit in a single lifetime?"
Cool!
Mike, you're wanted on the phone.
And get my shirts from the laundry.
[Mike goes inside]
Oh boy, I get to walk by that poster again. Cool!
[Mike walks into a room with multiple photos featuring shots of various films from Bert I. Gordon]
... everywhere... oh Bert...
Hello?
Hi Mike, this is Carol. You said you'd take me out to the cave to find the bracelet.
I lied.
You don't mean right now, do you?
If you can get away. Please Mike?
Carol, not today, my dad just got in a new picture and I haven't even seen it yet. Something about puppet people. Sounds pretty wild.
Oh, shame on you, Bert I. Gordon...
Please?
Oh, okay, I think I can borrow Joe's car again.
Only don't come by the house for me. I don't want mother to know I'm going out there.
Alright, I'll be down at the corner in 15 minutes.
I'll be waiting.
[Mike runs outside]
I'll see you dad, I got a date now!
Where will you be? I said where will you be if I want you?
Wait! Aren't you going to watch that wonderful Bert I. Gordon movie?
[as the giant spider revives in the school gymnasium as the band rehearses and the drama club is dancing, scaring everyone out of the room; the janitor sees everyone fleeing]
Oh, someone must have puked big time, I'll get extra sawdust.
[the janitor looks in the room]:
RRRRRAAAAAA!!!
[the janitor immediately slams and locks the door]
I'm gonna lock them kids in there!
...
[the Janitor is desperately calling Mr. Kingman as the spider knocks on the wall]
[chanting as the phone rings] Wait fo' da beep.
[chanting] Wait fo' da beep! NOBODY'S HOOOOOME! NOBODY'S HOOOOME!
...
[the spider breaks free and towers over the janitor after Kingman answers the phone]
It's the spider- THE SPIDER- [drops the phone in terror and puts his hands up]
Oh no, not a crane shot! No, no, not the crane shot! Nooo!
Mammy! Mammy!
[scene cuts to Kingman's residence]
Hello? Hello?
Mr. Oh My God Crunch Crunch? Look, spit out whatever you're chewing and start over.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
