Dr. Clayton Forrester quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Ah! Mike! Robots! I'm feeling particularly evil, because today's experiment is a stinky, cinematic suppository called This Island Earth! You may all just bow down before me after this stink-burger! Say, come to think about it, I don't believe you bowed down before me, recently!

Mike

Uh, sure, we have! Last week!

No, no, no. I think that was more of a curtsy of a bow. So, why won't we all just bow down... NOW? [cuts off life support systems]

Mike

Now, see, I don't see the reason why you make us— [starts choking]

[panicking] Bowing, sir!

Servo

[*Dialogue speed not understandable*]

Mike

Okay, Dr. Forrester! Geez!

What a dickweed!

Well, Now that we have our little fun, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment, uh, did you... y'know... go?

[dejected] Yes...

Because I don't want to have to stop the movie before... y'know...

You won't...

Then, prepare yourself for This Island Earth! [pulls a lever]

Mike

Oh! We got MOVIE SIGN!

Well, I'm glad to see you're finally focusing on something besides ruining people's Thanksgivings.

Uh, yeah, right.

So, how's the parade going? What did I miss?

Oh, you missed that crappy caterpillar they repaint every year, the quick bunny balloon, and about 2000 of the worst clowns I've ever seen.

Look, it's the Underdog balloon! Oh, this is great! He's my favorite! You know, this is starting to really feel like Thanksgiving!

Yes it is. [pushes a button on a remote detonator, causing an explosion] Die, boy, die!

Oh my God I don't believe it- oh this is awful! Oh- falling down in a terrible- oh it's the worst thing of- OH THE HUMANITY!!! [sobbing]

Slight the turkey, Frank. He must die, so that we may live.

Well, kiddies, I'm sorry, but I'm going to be pulling the plug on your all-too-precious Thanksgiving. We won't be watching E.T. Instead, we're going to be watching this crumby Czechoslovakian ripoff called Pod People.

Oh, come on. I thought we were going to have the TV off after dinner.

If anyone's interested, I'm going to be reading from Dylan Thomas's enchanting work titled A Child's Christmas in Wales.

Ooh!

Oh, I don't think so, Jack. I wouldn't call that good TV.

Oh, that cuts it! If anyone's interested, Jack is going to be doing his reading in the kitchen. Come on. [everyone else leaves the room]

Well, at least you and I can watch this together. If you're wondering in your family whether to watch my show, Mystery Science Theater 3000, or E.T.: the Extraterrestrial, make things go your way and spoil things for your friends and family by telling them at the end of the movie, E.T. goes home. Ball's in your court, Spielberg! Oh and by the way, I'm dating Amy Irving, and she's hot.

[drunk and wandering over to the camera] Hello, Linda Ellerbee, if you are out there, I've got something to say to you. Isn't it ironic that I'm pulling out about six figures a year in my cushy cable job, while you're out there peddling Maxwell House co- [Forrester shocks him with a cattle prod] AAAGH!

Heh... he's a bit into the Harvey's Bristol Cream.

Frank, get rid of him, or I will.

So, how'd the experiment go?

Fine, Frank. Just fine.

You were sorely missed. Everyone at Thanksgiving dinner asked for you.

Frank, I was right here. I don't understand it, after beaming 26 straight hours of our Turkey Day marathon across the country, Atlanta should be burning by now.

[sighs] It was the greatest dinner party I have ever given. Even grander than last April's hat party. Hmm. What did you think?

Frank, I'm a scientist. I don't have time to think.

Oh, someone's over-tired. Why don't you put your stuff away and get some sleep, Steve?

I just don't know, I don't know what I did!

Look, you didn't get much to eat. Here, I made you a snack. [offers an apple] Want some?

[slaps the apple away] I don't have time for a snack, I- Frank, THAT'S IT! Daddy-O! YES! FRANK, YOU'RE BRILLIANT, I COULD KISS- right! Daddy-O!

Come on, Papa, eat.

I failed, Frank. How hard could it be to take over the world? Piece of cake, right?

Oh, come on, don't be so hard on yourself. You just did a 30 hour marathon of your most diabolical experiments ever, I mean not just any stiff could pull that off.

No, Frank, you're the trooper here. You put on that great spread, and the place looked great, and you looked great, and... I just wanna tell you Frank, I really admire you.

Thanks Steve. Takes a big man to admit that.

No, Frank, I mean it. You're a real booster. You know, I think I'll have a piece of that pumpkin pie.

[nervously chuckling] Well I... used that on my sandwich- don't have any left...

Oh, no matter. Minced meat it is, then.

[nervously chuckling] ... added to a shake... not any left... I didn't...

Start running, Frank.

Yes sir.

Ah, greetings, you unfortunate total losers. I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester, it's Thanksgiving, and once again, I shall soon be ruling the world. As you cling to one another, weeping in desperation, you may ask, "Why now? Why me?" Because my mother's coming over in a few hours, and I'd like to be ruling the world by the time she gets here. [the doorbell rings] Oh no! Mother! She's early! Oh, what do I do?! I'm not ruling the world! [answers the door]

Hello, and warm Thanksgivings greetings, Dr. Clayton Forrester.

PERKINS?! What the hell are you doing here, you pedantic, leathery old-?!

Now Clay, come, I come bearing an invitation from Television's own Frank, done in a tasteful, yet not too formal bookman old style font on a crisp and elegant eggshell-

Would you just give me this?! [takes the invitation away] "Please join Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank... THANKSGIVING DINNER?!" FRAAAAAAAANK!!!!! [begins sobbing]

Oh, now Clay, this is going to be fun. Say, I brought a tangy Mexican three-layer dip. I hope there's enough for everyone.

Everyone? There's more??? Oh, son of a- Perkins, my mother will be here in just a few hours. I don't even know what I have in the kitchen. Maybe some Ramen noodles...

Oh, now Clay, that'll never do for Mother Forrester, let alone the rest of the guests. I'll tell you what let's do. Why don't you nip to the store with this list, prepared for me by Burt Wolf, just about the finest shopping list I've ever seen, and I'll stay here and take care of things here.

Uh huh, good, good. I'll just nip down to Piggly Wiggly, and get the stuff on the- oh be a dear, Jack and send them the movie?

Why of course. [Dr. Forrester runs off] Hello, and welcome to the first movie in this our Turkey Day marathon. This one is a fun hunk of cinematic sludge that I like to think of as one of the finest-[Forrester runs back and gives him a card to read from before running off again] Thank you. "You brainless monkeys, I will make you bow down before me. One day, you will all be before me prostrate, quaking, naked and frayed, and I... will show you the meaning of loss. [laughs] So that I might quickly dominate you, this year I've selected a fast-acting episode from the first year of my experiment, The Crawling Hand- Ahhh! Enjoy."

[with an armful of groceries] Perkins! Jack? They didn't have those shiitake mushrooms, so I got canned mushrooms, and I didn't know what that basmati rice was, so I got Uncle Ben. [Mr. B Natural suddenly appears] Ah! Who are you what are you doing here what do you want with me?!

I'm Mr. B Natural, and I embody the spirit of music in you and you! Knew your father, I did!

Is it money you want?

Ah, Mr. B Natural, I see you got Frank's invitation!

Brought a Mexican three-layer dip, I did!

Oh, look you two, I am really trying to rule the world before my mother gets here so if you could just- oh just make yourself at home.

Well that will make me feel like a happy king!

Oh boy...

Ah, hello again, America, and welcome to the third installment of my MST marathon. By the end of the day- you see, my mother is coming, and I promised her that I will RULE THE WORLD! AH HA HA HA HA-

Dr. Forrester, taste some of my cornbread stuffing, a recipe given me by the great Jacques Pépin as we were mushrooming and- [is pushed offscreen by Dr. Forrester]

Unfortunately, I've also got to deal with some weird guests that Frank invited before he was subsumed up into heaven whenever the hell that was. So if we're all very lucky, cross our fingers, we won't have anymore uninvited guests. [Pitch suddenly appears]

Hi! Heh heh heh!

Oh, go away!

Oh, but I brought a Mexican three-layer dip, heh heh heh!

Oh, just put it on the bed, I've got important things-

[suddenly appearing] Hi! Would you like to be a happy king?

Ah, Mr. B Natural, allow me to introduce Satan, Pitch, Scratch, Beelzebub, ruler of the domain of never-ending darkness, old gooseberry.

Great! I'm trying to rule the world before my mother gets here, and I've got Satan, I've got some androgynous man-woman, and I've got Peter Graves Jr. in my house!

Hey!

A joke, Perkins. A joke.

You know, Satan, I am pleased to meet you. Won't you guess my name? [he and Pitch laugh] But what's puzzling me...

The nature of my game! Heh heh heh!

Look you two, I don't care if Frank did invite you for Thanksgiving, I gotta control the world before my mother gets here or we are all in so much trouble! [the doorbell rings] Oh great, now who's this? Another freak for the pile?! [answers the door] And you would be...

[enters holding a litterbox] Uh, Kitten with the Whip. I brought this... [coughs up a hairball] For you. And where should I put this?

Oh, just put that in the bathroom, and don't spray anything! My mom's coming over.

Hey, it's not like I'm in heat! [Mr. B Natural walks by] Although I uh... could be persuaded.

She's a guy.

Aw...

Boy that Perkins is really hot, huh? Eh, mom? MOTHER! Uh you're here-

Where's Frank?

Uh, Frank is not here, mother.

Not here, Clayton? Oh good one, Clayton, I come all this way to s- Say... [fixes her hair] Jack has never looked better.

Happy Thanksgiving, mother.

Yeah, sure.

Uh, you're just in time to see me take over the entire world, mom.

That's nice, dear. Say, who's the red-hooved one down there at the end? The cloven one, it is him! [pushes past Dr. Forrester]

Ah, you're here. Listen, I need you to snap-to. My mom's here and I promised to take over the world before pie is served. So uh... help me out, and I won't destroy you.

Mike

We'llllll think about it. Hey, it looks like you got a regular Playboy After Dark shindig going on there.

Yes, it's Frank. He invited them last April. Even in the afterlife, he mocks me.

So what is this, Star Trek: Voyager or something?

Oh no no, mother, this is my experiment. Remember when I shot a-

Art? Is that you?

Why Pearl, how good to see you!

Oh, Art, you rogue, it has been so long.

Ah, you're looking radiant, Pearl. Ten years younger since the scars were sanded off!

Oh, you charmer, you! So, you work with my spawn.

Yup. Pretty much run the place. [Servo clears his throat] Oh, these are the guys who work for me.