Ah, greetings, you unfortunate total losers. I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester, it's Thanksgiving, and once again, I shall soon be ruling the world. As you cling to one another, weeping in desperation, you may ask, "Why now? Why me?" Because my mother's coming over in a few hours, and I'd like to be ruling the world by the time she gets here. [the doorbell rings] Oh no! Mother! She's early! Oh, what do I do?! I'm not ruling the world! [answers the door]
Hello, and warm Thanksgivings greetings, Dr. Clayton Forrester.
PERKINS?! What the hell are you doing here, you pedantic, leathery old-?!
Now Clay, come, I come bearing an invitation from Television's own Frank, done in a tasteful, yet not too formal bookman old style font on a crisp and elegant eggshell-
Would you just give me this?! [takes the invitation away] "Please join Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank... THANKSGIVING DINNER?!" FRAAAAAAAANK!!!!! [begins sobbing]
Oh, now Clay, this is going to be fun. Say, I brought a tangy Mexican three-layer dip. I hope there's enough for everyone.
Everyone? There's more??? Oh, son of a- Perkins, my mother will be here in just a few hours. I don't even know what I have in the kitchen. Maybe some Ramen noodles...
Oh, now Clay, that'll never do for Mother Forrester, let alone the rest of the guests. I'll tell you what let's do. Why don't you nip to the store with this list, prepared for me by Burt Wolf, just about the finest shopping list I've ever seen, and I'll stay here and take care of things here.
Uh huh, good, good. I'll just nip down to Piggly Wiggly, and get the stuff on the- oh be a dear, Jack and send them the movie?
Why of course. [Dr. Forrester runs off] Hello, and welcome to the first movie in this our Turkey Day marathon. This one is a fun hunk of cinematic sludge that I like to think of as one of the finest-[Forrester runs back and gives him a card to read from before running off again] Thank you. "You brainless monkeys, I will make you bow down before me. One day, you will all be before me prostrate, quaking, naked and frayed, and I... will show you the meaning of loss. [laughs] So that I might quickly dominate you, this year I've selected a fast-acting episode from the first year of my experiment, The Crawling Hand- Ahhh! Enjoy."
[with an armful of groceries] Perkins! Jack? They didn't have those shiitake mushrooms, so I got canned mushrooms, and I didn't know what that basmati rice was, so I got Uncle Ben. [Mr. B Natural suddenly appears] Ah! Who are you what are you doing here what do you want with me?!
I'm Mr. B Natural, and I embody the spirit of music in you and you! Knew your father, I did!
Ah, Mr. B Natural, I see you got Frank's invitation!
Brought a Mexican three-layer dip, I did!
Oh, look you two, I am really trying to rule the world before my mother gets here so if you could just- oh just make yourself at home.
Well that will make me feel like a happy king!
Ah, hello again, America, and welcome to the third installment of my MST marathon. By the end of the day- you see, my mother is coming, and I promised her that I will RULE THE WORLD! AH HA HA HA HA-
Dr. Forrester, taste some of my cornbread stuffing, a recipe given me by the great Jacques Pépin as we were mushrooming and- [is pushed offscreen by Dr. Forrester]
Unfortunately, I've also got to deal with some weird guests that Frank invited before he was subsumed up into heaven whenever the hell that was. So if we're all very lucky, cross our fingers, we won't have anymore uninvited guests. [Pitch suddenly appears]
Oh, but I brought a Mexican three-layer dip, heh heh heh!
Oh, just put it on the bed, I've got important things-
[suddenly appearing] Hi! Would you like to be a happy king?
Ah, Mr. B Natural, allow me to introduce Satan, Pitch, Scratch, Beelzebub, ruler of the domain of never-ending darkness, old gooseberry.
Great! I'm trying to rule the world before my mother gets here, and I've got Satan, I've got some androgynous man-woman, and I've got Peter Graves Jr. in my house!
You know, Satan, I am pleased to meet you. Won't you guess my name? [he and Pitch laugh] But what's puzzling me...
The nature of my game! Heh heh heh!
Look you two, I don't care if Frank did invite you for Thanksgiving, I gotta control the world before my mother gets here or we are all in so much trouble! [the doorbell rings] Oh great, now who's this? Another freak for the pile?! [answers the door] And you would be...
KWKitten with the Whip
[enters holding a litterbox] Uh, Kitten with the Whip. I brought this... [coughs up a hairball] For you. And where should I put this?
Oh, just put that in the bathroom, and don't spray anything! My mom's coming over.
KWKitten with the Whip
Hey, it's not like I'm in heat! [Mr. B Natural walks by] Although I uh... could be persuaded.
KWKitten with the Whip
Aw...
[as a heavily intoxicated Jack Perkins and Mr. B Natural talk]
I like you. You're funny.
Yep, Well um, I'm gonna go and do that thing I was-
Mr. B Natural, God I can't believe you're a guy.
[nervously] Yep! Every bit of me, all man!
Well then, so be it! I guess I'm just gonna have to trust my instincts on this one. Sir, allow me to kiss you. [kisses Mr. B Natural, much to the other's horror]
[as Dr. Forrester distributes beer to the guests while they swing a song Jack Perkins plays on the piano]
FDr. Forrester
Boy that Perkins is really hot, huh? Eh, mom? MOTHER! Uh you're here-
FDr. Forrester
Uh, Frank is not here, mother.
Not here, Clayton? Oh good one, Clayton, I come all this way to s- Say... [fixes her hair] Jack has never looked better.
FDr. Forrester
Happy Thanksgiving, mother.
FDr. Forrester
Uh, you're just in time to see me take over the entire world, mom.
That's nice, dear. Say, who's the red-hooved one down there at the end? The cloven one, it is him! [pushes past Dr. Forrester]
FDr. Forrester
Ah, you're here. Listen, I need you to snap-to. My mom's here and I promised to take over the world before pie is served. So uh... help me out, and I won't destroy you.
We'llllll think about it. Hey, it looks like you got a regular Playboy After Dark shindig going on there.
FDr. Forrester
Yes, it's Frank. He invited them last April. Even in the afterlife, he mocks me.
So what is this, Star Trek: Voyager or something?
FDr. Forrester
Oh no no, mother, this is my experiment. Remember when I shot a-
Why Pearl, how good to see you!
Oh, Art, you rogue, it has been so long.
Ah, you're looking radiant, Pearl. Ten years younger since the scars were sanded off!
Oh, you charmer, you! So, you work with my spawn.
Yup. Pretty much run the place. [Servo clears his throat] Oh, these are the guys who work for me.
