“Turkey Day '91” quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Hi, you're watching Turkey Day, here on Comedy Central. Turkey fact number 12: if you leave turkeys out in the rain, they'll drown. Stupid jerks.

Well, I'm glad to see you're finally focusing on something besides ruining people's Thanksgivings.

Uh, yeah, right.

So, how's the parade going? What did I miss?

Oh, you missed that crappy caterpillar they repaint every year, the quick bunny balloon, and about 2000 of the worst clowns I've ever seen.

Look, it's the Underdog balloon! Oh, this is great! He's my favorite! You know, this is starting to really feel like Thanksgiving!

Yes it is. [pushes a button on a remote detonator, causing an explosion] Die, boy, die!

Oh my God I don't believe it- oh this is awful! Oh- falling down in a terrible- oh it's the worst thing of- OH THE HUMANITY!!! [sobbing]

Slight the turkey, Frank. He must die, so that we may live.

Well, kiddies, I'm sorry, but I'm going to be pulling the plug on your all-too-precious Thanksgiving. We won't be watching E.T. Instead, we're going to be watching this crumby Czechoslovakian ripoff called Pod People.

Oh, come on. I thought we were going to have the TV off after dinner.

If anyone's interested, I'm going to be reading from Dylan Thomas's enchanting work titled A Child's Christmas in Wales.

Ooh!

Oh, I don't think so, Jack. I wouldn't call that good TV.

Oh, that cuts it! If anyone's interested, Jack is going to be doing his reading in the kitchen. Come on. [everyone else leaves the room]

Well, at least you and I can watch this together. If you're wondering in your family whether to watch my show, Mystery Science Theater 3000, or E.T.: the Extraterrestrial, make things go your way and spoil things for your friends and family by telling them at the end of the movie, E.T. goes home. Ball's in your court, Spielberg! Oh and by the way, I'm dating Amy Irving, and she's hot.

[drunk and wandering over to the camera] Hello, Linda Ellerbee, if you are out there, I've got something to say to you. Isn't it ironic that I'm pulling out about six figures a year in my cushy cable job, while you're out there peddling Maxwell House co- [Forrester shocks him with a cattle prod] AAAGH!

Heh... he's a bit into the Harvey's Bristol Cream.

Frank, get rid of him, or I will.

So, how'd the experiment go?

Fine, Frank. Just fine.

You were sorely missed. Everyone at Thanksgiving dinner asked for you.

Frank, I was right here. I don't understand it, after beaming 26 straight hours of our Turkey Day marathon across the country, Atlanta should be burning by now.

[sighs] It was the greatest dinner party I have ever given. Even grander than last April's hat party. Hmm. What did you think?

Frank, I'm a scientist. I don't have time to think.

Oh, someone's over-tired. Why don't you put your stuff away and get some sleep, Steve?

I just don't know, I don't know what I did!

Look, you didn't get much to eat. Here, I made you a snack. [offers an apple] Want some?

[slaps the apple away] I don't have time for a snack, I- Frank, THAT'S IT! Daddy-O! YES! FRANK, YOU'RE BRILLIANT, I COULD KISS- right! Daddy-O!

Come on, Papa, eat.

I failed, Frank. How hard could it be to take over the world? Piece of cake, right?

Oh, come on, don't be so hard on yourself. You just did a 30 hour marathon of your most diabolical experiments ever, I mean not just any stiff could pull that off.

No, Frank, you're the trooper here. You put on that great spread, and the place looked great, and you looked great, and... I just wanna tell you Frank, I really admire you.

Thanks Steve. Takes a big man to admit that.

No, Frank, I mean it. You're a real booster. You know, I think I'll have a piece of that pumpkin pie.

[nervously chuckling] Well I... used that on my sandwich- don't have any left...

Oh, no matter. Minced meat it is, then.

[nervously chuckling] ... added to a shake... not any left... I didn't...

Start running, Frank.

Yes sir.