Dr. Clayton Forrester quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

DON'T YOU DO IT! DON'T YOU DO IT! I KNEW YOU SENT A BANNER-GRAM! FRANK, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!

Hey, someone sent us a Banner-Gram!

Boopie!

[screams as screen cuts to black]

Hi, Bavaro.

Oh, hey!

The Jaws of Life, Frank! Get the Jaws of Life!

[offers the dancer his slice of cake] Cake?

[watching the scene unfold back on the Satellite] ...Oh, it's beefcake!

Sorry we missed you, Joel. We almost came this close to losing-

Rodney.

Right! Almost lost Rodney. I apologize for all of this; I'd like to make it worth your while. [offers him tip money, while Rodney starts a strip-tease dance] No thank you, it's fine. You've done enough.

[Stopping his Brain Scan on TV's Frank and looking at the Camera] Ah, Joel. Your experiment this week is your first western. It's called "Gunslinger" and it stars Beverly Garland in her pre-Doddy period.

Beverly Garland [growls, but is cut off by another scan]

And it's directed by Roger Corman, so your brain might explode before Frank's does. [turns back to scan Frank before looking back quickly] Yippie-ki-yay, mama jama.

Here it is. Mitchell, starring Joe Don Baker

Mike Nelson

You guys watch Joe Don Baker movies?

[walking in from off-screen in a bathrobe, toweling his hair] Ahh, nothin' like a good shower to make one feel new again. I feel great! Nothing can get in the way of my good mood! What's going on, Frank?

Frank

Oh, not much... inventory's under control...

Yeah?

Frank

Floor needs mopping... Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love...

Well, I can see you've got the situation well in hand--WHAT?? Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love?

Frank

Well, I'd better get started on that floor...

Frank! My towel and your hinder have an appointment, but first we've got to rescue Joel! Oh, no, nooo! Frank, he's landed safely in the Australian outback!

Frank

Well, let's just hope he landed on Yahoo Serious.

Well, that's a good point, Frank, because--Frank! Can't you see we're ruined? What are we gonna do?

Frank

Yeah, well, we could send someone else into space.

Who are we gonna find at this late date to send into space?

Mike

Can you guys sign my time card?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Frank?

Frank

Yeah, you're not gonna sign his time card, are you?

Mike

C'mon, you gotta sign my time card!

Of course I'll sign your time card, young man! In fact, I think you're going to be working for me for a long, long time. Push the button, Frank!

Say, Mike... what size jumpsuit do you wear?

Mike

Ehh...

[crying] My hair! My beautiful head of TV's Frank hair!

[to Mike] Your movie today, Mark, is called Santa Claus; it's a thoughtful, well-shot documentary about the Crimean War.

[bitterly, in-between sobs] [No;] It's a stupid Mexican kid's movie!

[playing as hard-boiled detective and attempting to interrogate Mike] Hello, Nelson. Say, y'know, I kinda like this movie. I'm intrigued by the whole interrogation idea. So siddown! I wanna ask you a few questions! If you are who you say you are. And I wanna know what you did and what happened. No hurry; we've got all the time in the world.

Frank

[suddenly shouting] I did it! I did it! I did it!!

Did what, Frank?

Frank

Everything! I shot J.R! I killed that fat barkeep! I ate all the Frusen Glädjé! And y'know what? I'm glad I did it! Glad, I tell ya! Glad!! [maniacal laughter]

Aren't you gonna carry me into the theater?

Frank, you're getting too big for that!

Aw, it's my favorite part!

Frank

You lost the last of the wild horses, you dink!

Ah, Albert Glasser, the man who straps you down and pummels you with music!

I must say, doctor, you are a real piece of work.

[tied up and strapped with explosives] Frank, it you don't cut it out, I'm gonna kill you!

No, Dr. Forrester... it is you who are going to kill me. [evil laugh] YOU'RESTUCKHERE.

Frank

Clay, there's a, uh- Joey "Skinny Legs" Tagliano here to see you.

Huh? Joey "Skinny Legs" Tagliano? Did I go to high school with him? I bet that's what it is; I went to high school with him. [steps into the hallway] Joe? Hello?

Frank

Gee, I- I feel kinda bad about this. I must admit I feel partly responsible, sorta.

Frank; I'm going down a long hallway... there's a figure at the end beckoning to me.

Well, don't you think you ought to go to him, Doctor?

Frank, there's something I've always wanted to tell you.

Look, let's not make a big production out of this- there's a guy at the end of the hallway waiting for you, okay?

Yes... he's tapping his foot and looking at his watch.

[passively frustrated] Well don't you think you ought to go to him, then?!

Now, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment... did you... y'know, go?

[dejected] Yes...

Becuase I don't want to have to stop the movie for... y'know...

You won't...

Then, prepare yourself for This Island Earth!

We got a letter from the Mad Scientist League. They say they're gonna revoke our licenses--that we're not really mad enough!

I know, look, it says here, at best we're Mildly Peeved Researchers.

The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having no spoken language and no particular powers with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs.

Joel

Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King.

If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply draped casually over his shoulders and should be no trouble to knock off! [...] Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his Jack Purcell athletic shoes! Folks, they just did not care!

They did too care! In fact, we've got director Larry Buchanan here with us, don't we, Frank?

Yeah, Larry, come here. Larry, tell them. Tell these people. Tell them how you took your dream -- your vision! -- and through blood, sweat, and effort, you owned that dream and turned it into a reality through years -- well, days -- of hard work, determination, and struggle! You took that cherished dream that you had, and you... (trails off looking at "Larry's" dull, lifeless expression.) You don't really care, do you?

(Smirks, makes gesture of approval towards Frank.)