A character in Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
Most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 1,660 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (818), Mike Nelson (376), Joel Robinson (271)
Today is dedicated to Uranus.
[as Hercules] Why thank you, I'm flatte- huh?
[Hercules first confronts Antinea over Ismene's attempted sacrifice to Proteus, and is assailed by Antinea's forces]
[as Hercules] You're supposed to be nice to me! Today is dedicated to my-
We know!
[Atlantean children in white robes are being led away by high priests]
Hey, it's Jim Henson's Ghandi Babies.
[voicing her protests from within the crowd] No, my only son, no! You can't take him!
[as Hercules and Ismene watch the crowd restrain her and force her to resume prayer] I hate hecklers.
[whispering] Conform; c'mon, conform.
These children are also dedicated to Uranus. They're being taken to the Mountain of the Dead.
[as Hercules] Oh, cool! Is that a Six Flags Mountain of the Dead?
[one of Antinea's soldiers asks for forgiveness after his men were overpowered by Hercules' son Hylas and Timoteo who rescued Ismene]
You're right; it won't happen again.
[as Antinea] Because you're fired!
[as a pit of acid opens in the floor] Not the commode!
I knew it; death by chocolate.
[begging] No; don't kill me!
[as soldier] Don't make me take a bath!
[as the soldier is forced into the pit] You can't do that; I have tubes in my ears! You're gonna get in trouble so bad! Whoa!
It'll kill him, but it'll do wonders for his arthritis.
[as soldier; in the pit gurgling] Is it too late to request a last meal? [the soldier is soon reduced to corroded skeletal remains]
Another Jenny Craig success story.
[Crow and Servo made a Hercules action figure- which seems to have only one action phrase]
I'm so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open.
Okay, we admit it; our action figure's lame- lame!
[crying] We're failures, Tommy; failures!
No, don't say that! You put your best foot forward.
I don't even have a foot! [cries again]
Okay; that's beside the point. You guys tried your very hardest, and because of that, you'll never be failures! [pulls Hercules' voice box cord again]
You're absolutely right, Joel Robinson. We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. Goodnight now. [Joel faints in shock as the show cuts to commercial]
[Antinea is talking with her daughter Ismene about why she sent her away to be sacrificed]
On the day a daughter of mine would outlive me, it is written that the sacred texts the Kingdom of Atlantis will be destroyed.
Mother, you can't mean-
You must die.
Boy, she's really strict.
No... I don't want to die.
[mock crying] I want to live! I want to live and laugh and love in life and live!
[as Antinea] You stop or I'll give you something to cry about.
[Antinea's guards arrive]
Take her away.
[as Antinea] And if you don't die willingly, I'm going to ground you, young lady!
[as the youths storm Queen Antinea's temple]
Remember the Alamo!
Storm the Bastille!
Give us Barabbas!
Hell no, we won't go! Attitca! Attica! Atticus...?
[after Hercules falls asleep following a conversation with Androcles] I really would've prefered he hit somebody.
[as Androcles] Well, whatever tugs at your bobber, little fella.
[as the film draws to a close, and the screen pans out to Hercules' boat sailing into the horizon with the heroes on it]
[in a Jamaican accent] Come back to Atlantis!
Make it Atlantis again, man!
Now let's hear Herc regale in the tale one more time!
[during a host segment, the bots are performing a parody of General Hospital, each line punctuated by a sting organ noise]
[to Crow] Peggy, I'm afraid I have bad news for you.
Oh my God; what is it? Is it a hiatus hernia?
No, it's not that.
Is it the heartbreak of psoriasis?
No, it's not that.
Is it a Mo-No on the A-Go-Go?
No, I'm afraid it's far worse than that.
Please, Doc, tell me what it is!
Well, when you were walking down the hall earlier, the back of your hospital gown was open, and everyone could see your butt!
[crying] I'll never live down the shaaaaaaame!
You know, my dear... in tough situations like this in the past, patients found the best thing is to be comforted by me- Dr. Chad Feelgood.
Oh, Chad...
[enters as a nurse] You cad! I knew you were cheating on me!!
My dear, I can explain!
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I- [to Crow] Hey; nice butt!
[Crow breaks down in tears along with Gypsy]
I can comfort you, I can-
What's going on here?
Oh no; it's Joel Robinson! The hard-drinking, heavy-fisted, cantankerous yet lovable hospital Administrator!
No, I'm not!
Oh no, and he's suffering from amnesia!
You guys, listen: I'm not gonna play soap opera with you. When I was 9 years old, my sister made me play soap opera with her. I'm not gonna play soap opera. [Cambot continues playing the soap opera sting music] Okay Cambot, that's it. Alright... that's it! [unplugs Cambot in irritation] Who's next?!
[Rocky's second-in-command Winky visits the Satellite of Love via the Hexfield screen, claiming to be a real ladies' man nowadays, while the bots are more than skeptical]
[after she answers the Bots' phone call to his house] Winky! Telephone!
[flustered] Oh, um... yeah, Clarissa! Why don't ya start; the hot oil's warming up, I'll be right over!
What?!
[shocked] Oh my- Winky, that's your mother?!
[after Joel cuts the communication from Winky] You think we were a little too hard on him?
Uh, actually I don't think we even got through to him; and for Winky's sake, I hope we never do.
[Tom Stewart looks angrily at ex-girlfriend Vi, who threatens to show his love letters to his new fiancée Meg.]
Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me!
Bingo!
. . .
[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]
Help me! Please, Tom, help me!
What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye.
Save me, Tom, please!
Well, that's what she gets for railing against him.
[as a ghostly head, after declaring to Tom that she threatens to expose him as a murderer] I told you already- no-one will ever have you but me!
Stop it, Vi!
Try me... [starts shouting] TOM STEWART KILLED ME! TOM STEWART KILLED ME!
[as Vi] Tom Stewart killed me; c'mon, everybody!
[as Vi] Tom Stewart killed me! Now just the ladies; join in!
[Tom wraps Vi's head in a sack and carries it outside while she still protests]
[as Tom] Let's go bowling. [drops the sack down the steps of their building]
[as Vi, tumbling down the steps] T-o-om Stewart ki-ill-ed m-e-e!
[Joel and the Bots are left worn out by the film's bleak tone]
It's only a crappy movie by Bert I. Gordon he made to massage the marketplace!
Simply nurturing one's basest instincts and trying way too hard to be film noir!
[crying] Geez, Joel; I'm riding such a major bummer that I just spent a couple hours at Liqour Aisle talking to... Neil Young!
[imitating Vi] Joel Robinson killed us! Joel Robinson killed us!
[bandaged up from Gypsy ramming into him] My achin' noggin...
Yeah, Well, serves you right for taking advantage of these little Charm-kins!
Oh yeah? well, you should ask these little "charmkins" what I found oozing out of my pillow case this morning!
Aw, you little baby, it could've been a lot worse!
Yeah, at least we killed him before we stuffed him in there.
Enough, you three! Freebie and the Bean are calling.
Tom ServoKevin Murphy · 1,542 quotes
Mike NelsonMichael J. Nelson · 824 quotes
Joel RobinsonJoel Hodgson · 542 quotes
NNarrator224 quotes
JJonah171 quotes
GGypsy75 quotes
EEmily69 quotes
CFDr. Clayton Forrester57 quotes
PFPearl Forrester26 quotes
MMax22 quotes
KFKinga Forrester21 quotes
JPJack Perkins20 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.