Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Servo

Hey, baby, wanna get stoned?

Everybody must get stoned!

Joel

[reading fan letter, a child's crayon scribble on graph paper] Cambot, put this up on stillstore, there's no print, but it's a really good drawing of me, and, Crow, and... Servo... on the bridge...?

[matter-of-factly] It's really not that good!

Joel

Come with me, mister! [grabs Crow by the net and drags him offscreen]

AAAAAAGH!

Joel

What keeps our legs all warm and hot?

Pants!

What prevents a buffalo shot?

Pants!

Tom

What do they got that I ain't got?

Tom

Well, you can say that again... Huh?

Joel

This film has aged me...

I know how she feels.

Gypsy, did you realize that Walter Pigeon was the original Admiral Nelson in the film version of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea?

No way...

Not Richard Basehart!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! JOOOOOEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL!!!

Joel

Lighten up, they're just puppets!

Hey...

Joel

Sorry.

[singing] She's CUTE! She's ROOTY-TOOT-TOOT! I bet she smells like JUICY FRUIT!

Tom Servo

EEAUGHHH!

[continues singing, ignoring Tom] She can even play a wiiitch...She was even on Bewiiiitched...And I'm BEWILDERED and BOTHERRRRRRED!

Bonanza!

Servo

And if that map burns, it'll be a Greece fire!

[during a scene where Androcles speaks with Hercules and his Council in Thebes; to Joel and the others] Hey, you guys; I just remembered, I have a million things to do.

Joel

Gypsy, you can't leave! You were the one that wanted to sit through the whole experiment!

[uneasy] That was before... I knew... and then there were these things, and now I have to go do them.

Well, Gypsy, if you can't stand the heat-

Joel

That's okay, Gypsy, run along; it's really fine. [Gypsy leaves the theater as the film continues; aside to the bots] She did her best. I don't want you guys making fun of-

[shushes Joel] Watch the movie, Joel!

[as Hercules] Say; are you a captive woman?

[wearily] Kill me...

Joel

[as Ismene] ...with kindness.

Kitty!

Servo

Suddenly it's a MGM film.

[as Proteus, turning back into his lizard monster form] I'm back; I'll be your tour guide through Hell! Ha ha!

Joel

[as Servo imitates the lizard yipping] Dino! Steam Dragon; steamin' mad at Herc!

Daryl Dragon.

Joel

[as Ismene] I love it when men and lizards fight over me!

Joel

Oh, it's Topol!

The smokers' tooth polish?

Joel

No; the hard to work with actor.

Oh.

[singing] The Simpsons...

[after seeing a vision of Androcles calling for Hercules' help, and prays to Zeus] Oh omnipotent Zeus...

Servo

[as an answering machine] Hi; Zeus is not in right now, but if you'd like to leave a message...

...Hear my plea...

Not guilty by reason of insanity!

If Androcles is still alive-

Joel

[sung] In the year 3535...

Pray thee that we might meet again; if it may be in my power to save him. Oh, Zeus, my father!

[as Zeus] I'm not your real father; it was Poseidon!