Scenes with Crow T. Robot 1,239
[Joel is reading a letter from a young viewer who tells them that his mother is making him write "I will not call my mom a dickweed"]
[reading] Before I start this auspicious task, I must ask in the interest of justice... is dickweed a swear word?
JSJoel/Servo
[at the same time] No/Yes! ...Yes/No? No... no.
Nope; dickweed isn't a swear word. it's clean. You're cool. You can stop writing, "I will not call my mom a dickweed."
[Gypsy suddenly slithers past Joel and Servo, screaming loudly. Crow then enters brandishing a knife]
CACrow [as Mooney]
Where'd she go man, where'd she go?!
Crow, put that knife away, you're scaring Gypsy!
CACrow [as Mooney]
I did it for you, Eddie!
Oh great, he's on moon mode again...
CACrow [as Mooney]
That's right: I'm gonna moon you man, I'm gonna moon you!
That's gonna be tough because you really don't have a hinder to speak of.
CACrow [as Mooney]
That's it, That's it! [Crow then "stabs" Servo who collapses on the table]
[On the SOL bridge, Crow's menacing dark twin "Timmy" mutters something to Crow.]
CCrow
Ah, Joel… uh, Timmy's worried about Servo.
CCrow
Um, well, he says he should cut down on the bacon and lard sandwiches before he dies.
. . .
[An example of Crow Syndrome.]
Well, anyway, with double entendre, you can say just about anything, Tom. Like: [suggestively] "Say -- does this TV have a remote? Mmmmm!"
Oh-ho-ho, I see! How 'bout: [suggestively] "Say -- check out the arms on this jumpsuit!" Right?
[suggestively] "As far as I know, Lincoln's not President anymore!"
Ah-ooh! Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo! [suggestively] "She came back from the store with a bag of apples, and a loaf of bread!"
CCrow
I got one. "If the van's a rockin', don't come knock--"
Ah, Crow! Crow. That's a little bit more direct than what we were talking about.
[Timmy mutters something else into Crow's ear.]
CCrow
H-here's one! "A grinder in der--"
CCrow
Oh. Well, I'm not sayin' it -- it's, it's Timmy who's sayin' it.
Well, listen, I think you better learn how to play with each other, all right?
[suggestively] Say, Joel… we got Commercial Sign!
[suggestively] And now, a word from our sponsor. Poom!
CCrow
She's built like a brick shi--
CCrow
… show-- boat. Showboat.
[There is a scuffle as Servo battles Timmy after getting agitated by him]
Hey! Tom, what the hell? You didn't tell me that Tommy was in here!
He's not supposed to be in the theater, y'know!
All right, knock it off, there's no rough-housing in here!
I'm choking! I'm choking! I'm choking! Choking! Ahhh! H-He-Help! HE-MMMMPH!
{Servo's muffled sobs and cries of 'HMMMMMLPH!']
CCrow
Joel, he's trying to kill Tom Servo!
You go out to the bridge, stay frosty! I've got a plan!
[Crow exits stage left; Joel stage right, which leads to...]
[On the SOL bridge, Servo is trapped in an Alien-like cocoon, while Crow fights Timmy.]
[moaning] Kill me! Kill me! Kil-- [normally] Uh, say, Crow? Could you please kill me?
CCrow
I'm a little busy now, Servo!
. . .
[As Joel and Crow try to expel Timmy from the SOL…]
Okay, don't kill me! Sure could go for a sammich, though!
CCrow
I question the relevance of this scene.
I question the relevance of every scene.
Oh! Ow! Now, that does it! Come here, you. [He lunges at Timmy]
Hey, Tom. What the hell? Hey, you didn't tell us Tommy was in here.
He's not supposed to be in the theater, you know. You knock it off! There's no roughhousing in here. I'm telling you.
I'm choking! I'm choking! Help! [Timmy gags him] Help! [Servo's muffled sobs for help continue]
CTCrow T. Robot
Joel, I think Timmy is trying to kill Tom Servo!
Yeah, that's right. Go to the bridge. Stay frosty. I've got a plan, okay?
"No, Johnny," says Mom, "We're going to the art gallery."
SAServo [as Mom]
And you'll like it!
CACrow [as Johnny]
No! I don't wanna go!
..."A baseball game, oh boy." But when he gets there he finds a five-year-old can't get close enough to see anything.
SAServo [as Narrator]
Besides, the Mariners are playing, so who cares?
Unless someone lifts you up and put you on the lap of the undefeated champion of the world, Joe Louis.
CACrow [as Narrator]
Joe hits Johnny up for fifteen cents due to tax problems.
[Johnny watches himself jump in a distorting mirror.]
Afterwards, Johnny can't stop going up and down.
CACrow [as Narrator]
The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in.
[Champion figure skater Barbara Ann Scott gives Johnny a peck on the cheek. Embarrassed, he puts his head on her chest.]
CACrow [as Narrator]
"Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."
Johnny does find a real aeroplane… and gets his ride.
SAServo [as Narrator]
Johnny thinks Amelia Earhart seems like a nice lady.
The Rebel Set (movie)
CACrow [as Martin]
"Something!"
CCrow
D'oh! ...Got riffback on that one.
[Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.]
Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers!
[Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.]
CACrow [as Dr. Yung]
[in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie.
[In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.]
Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose.
[The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.]
CACrow [as Dr. Yung]
[in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that?
CCrow
Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing?
I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh.
[Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.]
Uh… I think you need more toner!
[The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.]
CCrow
Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators!
Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs?
CCrow
Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a--
[Welles (played by Hugh Beaumont) answers his phone.]
CACrow [as Welles/Ward Cleaver]
The boys did what? They duplicated Lumpy?
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
