“Wife claims missing billionaire husband still alive. Probate hearing is set for tomorrow. Former homicide detective Adrian Monk is set to testify.” What the hell is Hansen’s Disease?
LDLt. Disher
I thought they lived in colonies, you know, like in Ben Hur.
And, uh, you met this guy face to face?
Yep. He’s a client, and he called us. He needed our help. Mr. Monk put aside all his fear and prejudice, and offered to do what he could, and I am very, very proud of him.
I shook his hand. I can still feel it!
He’s not at all contagious. We talked to a specialist. Randy, I think you might know him. Dr. Polanski?
Really? Because we thought we saw your picture hanging up in his office.
LDLt. Disher
Right. It was a case. I was undercover, posing as a kid, a teenager with bad acne. Captain, you remember that case?
You’re on your own, Randy.
Well, I’ll tell him you said hi. We’re going out tomorrow night.
I do too, at least I hope he is.
Max Hudson, the jerk on the radio?
According to her sister, his wife had recently started taking sleeping pills, 30 milligrams.
Which is the maximum dosage.
And it was Max's suggestion.
He called the doctor personally to get the prescription!
Here's what happened: Max is out of town, it's a perfect alibi. He knows his wife will be taking those pills, so she's out cold. [In the background, Randy is trying to contain his laughter]
[Glares at Randy] Is something funny?
He knows his wife won't be waking up, so he has one of his guys-
Randy? Do you wanna share it with the rest of the class?
Sorry. I heard you on the show. You really got zung!
[Offended] Oh my God, you listen to that creep?!
LDLt. Disher
I think he’s gray... ting. It’s grating.... [starts to stammer] Degrading. Degrading to women. I keep listening, hoping he’ll grow up, but he never does.
[Max Hudson comes home to find the police outside his house and Randy on the front driveway]
What, uh... what’s going on?
Well I could tell you, but Adrian Monk wants to tell you himself. He’s upstairs. After you. [Cuts to Max entering the bedroom, where Monk, Natalie, Linda Riggs, and Stottlemeyer are waiting for him]
Linda? Uh-huh. I don’t know the legal definition of harassment, but this is pretty close. [Stottlemeyer hands Max a paper]
Mr. Hudson, that’s a search warrant. You’ve been duly served.
Ah, sure, okay. Knock yourself out. You’re just embarrass yourselves, again.
It’s over, Max. We know how you did it. We know what you were doing every day at 2:00 PM.
That’s right, I was. I was house sitting. I was watering their plants.
Nah, you were training their dog.
We replayed the tape of the show you made the morning your wife died. That was the day you introduced your new catchphrase, “Jangle my tenders.”
LDLt. Disher
“Jiggle me timbers," sir.
LDLt. Disher
You never said it before that day or since. I’m a big fan. Well, I was. Unless you’re not guilty, in which case, we’re all really sorry about all this. Although, I’m pretty sure you’re guilty. But if you’re not, I’m sorry.
Well, it’s easy enough to prove. [Picks up a walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Let’s do it.
[Cuts to a police officer talking to the next door neighbor while carrying a portable radio. He presses play]
[On tape] ...Friday and, by the way, I saw it last night. Jiggle me timbers! [The dog takes off and darts through the dividing hedge]
[On tape] Hey Max, where did you get that? “Jiggle me timbers”…
[Monk is visibly uncomfortable as he watches Randy unloading hay bales off the truck for storage in the shed]
Lt. DisherYou okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m fine. It’s just, you know, everything. The earth and the outdoors. All the animals. Animal byproducts.
Lt. Disher
Well, you know, all the food you eat comes from farms just like this.
Not anymore. Not as of the last 23 minutes.
Lt. Disher
Well, I love it. I used to come up here every summer helping Uncle Harvey run the place. I still can’t believe it’s all mine. It’s all mine. It’s my farm. I own a farm. I’m the Farmer in the Dell. [Oates arrives]
I got that tractor running.
Lt. Disher
Was it broken?
Lt. Disher
But it’s working now? Good. Good. Good man, Oates.
Lt. Disher
Yes. Yes, I did.
Lt. Disher
No, not today exactly.
They gotta be fed every day! Animals eat every day! I’ll do it. Jesus. [Starts to leave, but Randy stops him]
[Monk sneaks into Randy's bedroom and disguises his voice as the motivational CD Randy is listening to, after turning it off]
[In a low voice] Randy. You were right. Belmont killed your uncle.
Lt. Disher
Killed my uncle.
[Cuts to the sun rising on the horizon. Randy walks to the kitchen, where Monk and Oates are waiting for him]
Lt. Disher
Morning. Any coffee left?
Got a full pot. How’d you sleep?
Lt. Disher
Well, fine, I guess. [Randy goes to the fridge, and smells the cream] Ew, it’s sour. What kind of farm is this? We don’t even have any fresh cream! [He walks out of the kitchen. He slaps his head. Monk glances at him to see if Randy has figured out everything that was fed to him in his sleep]
Lt. Disher
Mosquito. So, fill me in, what happened on Belmont’s farm?
Not much to tell. It was a dead end. How, how about you? Any new thoughts on the case?
Lt. Disher
No. [Suddenly, Randy stops with a surprised look on his face]
Lt. Disher
No. It’s nothing. Wait! Wait. Wait a minute. Oh, my God. Oh my God! [Walks over and takes a figurine pig off one of the shelves] Oh, my God. Monk, call the sheriff. I think I solved the case.
[Randy gives the Monk-fed summation on how Belmont killed Harvey Disher]
Lt. Disher
It was a perfect alibi, and that is how you did it, Mr. Belmont.
DLDeputy Lenny Hatcher
Um, I’m not following.
Randy, I don’t think you’re quite done. You mentioned that part about the... [imitates sprinklers running] Ch-... (10x) Sprinklers.
Lt. Disher
Yes! I’m not done yet. The sprinklers! [In a black-and-white flashback, the sprinklers go on, and the salt licks that have propped up the rear wheels on Harvey's truck melt, and the truck rolls forward] At 8:00, the sprinklers kicked on and melted the blocks of salt. [The truck runs straight into the electric fence, causing several sparks from a short-circuit] Touchdown. [The lights in the dance hall flickers] When the lights flickered, you were half a mile in front of fifty witnesses. [Flashback ends] That’s the prettiest piece of homicide I’ve ever encountered. Where were you?
I... I guess I just... I don’t know.
Lt. Disher
I understand. You’re in a slump. Don’t worry. I’ve been there. Just give it time. You’ll be back.
DLDeputy Lenny Hatcher
It would explain a lot.
SMSheriff Margie Butterfield
It would explain everything. Including the deer: They were licking the salt.
JBJimmy Belmont
Now that is a nice story. See that’s all it is. [Advances on Randy to the point of getting in his face] Where’s your proof? Physical proof. You don’t have any, do you?
I think he’s right. [Randy suddenly has an epiphany]
Lt. Disher
Sheriff, do you have an evidence bag? Monk, your pen. [He takes both and walks over to the driver's side door of the truck] This truck was never touched or moved, right? [He uses the pen to remove the keys from the ignition, and then breathes air onto it, revealing a fingerprint] Yes. That’s a fingerprint. See that? [To Belmont] If this is your fingerprint, it means that you were the last person to operate that vehicle. Is that proof enough?
MMurderuss
I am not going to be putting a bomb under somebody's town car. You know me, I'm up close and personal, face-to-face.
Lt. Disher
Well, not according to this. [Produces a CD, which he puts down on the table] Track 4. A little song called "Car Bomb." [Imitates rapping]] "Ch, ch, ch. I put the bomb in your limo, that's what the surprise is / Under your seat, like Oprah giving prizes." Sound familiar?
MMurderuss
Not the way you do it.
Lt. Disher
Yeah, well, I wasn't really performing it.
MMurderuss
Look, you got to be one of the whitest white boys I've ever met. And I've met Kevin Costner.
[Monk and Natalie tell Randy about their suspicions about Linda Fusco]
Randy, what we're about to tell you is absolutely confidential; you cannot repeat it to anybody.
Lt. Disher
Are you in love with me?
I think Linda Fusco killed her partner.
Lt. Disher
What? I can't believe that. There's no way, Monk.
[Monk and Natalie are talking to Randy to see if he has any ideas on how to beat Linda Fusco's alibi]
Maybe she had a jetpack, like in those James Bond movies.
Lt. Disher
There's no such thing as a working jetpack. Don't ask me how I know.
Randy, do you have any ideas? One of your crazy theories?
Lt. Disher
My crazy theories, like what?
Like me being in love with you?
Lt. Disher
Oh, do you think that's crazier than Linda Fusco flying across San Francisco in a jetpack?
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are viewing a blurry surveillance tape of the courthouse lobby]
Randy, they're two blurs. Even for blurs, they're blurry! Can you make it bigger?
Lt. Disher
Well it's already enhanced.
Well, that could be anybody! That could be Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
Lt. Disher
But they're both dead.
Ginger Rogers is not dead.
Lt. Disher
Yeah, I'm pretty sure she is dead. I'm sorry. Even if she wasn't. What would Fred and Ginger be doing in the courthouse?
I'm not saying it is Fred and Ginger, I'm just saying that y-you can't tell who or what they are!
[Disher presses play on the tape]
Lt. Disher
Look. [Uses a marker to circle two blurs passing each other on camera] Right here. See? He comes in. They shake hands. That is definitely Rob Sherman.
[Notices the marker in Randy's hand] Is that a permanent marker?
Lt. Disher
No, it will rub off. [Stottlemeyer attempts to rub the marker off the monitor, with no success]
I don't think so. [Randy also makes a bad attempt at getting the marker to come off]
Lt. Disher
Have you seen the new screens? Pretty beautiful. Flat.
You're worse than Monk. [Walks out of the room]
Okay, let's go over it again, from the top.
Lt. Disher
[Reading from his notebook] Okay. Husband, Robert Sherman, owns expensive rug. Intruder's shoes indicate he wiped his feet.
Why would a kid breaking and entering bother to wipe his feet?
Because he wasn't breaking and entering! They knew each other. It was a setup.
LRLovely Rita
[From the corner, handcuffed to a chair] Maybe the kid, the intruder, was planning on stealing the rug, and didn't want to scuff it up.
Maybe he planned on stealing the rug.
Lt. Disher
Okay, what about this? The phone in the bedroom was unplugged.
LRLovely Rita
That doesn't mean anything. I unplug my phone all the time, if I want to sleep, when I'm going to bed...
She's right. Doesn't mean anything.
Lt. Disher
Well, how about this? The wife's slippers.
Right, the husband said she went downstairs because she was cold. If she was cold, why wouldn't she put on her slippers? [Pause, then everyone turns to Rita]
LRLovely Rita
Well, she wasn't really cold. She just said she was cold. She was really going downstairs to... get a bite of that chocolate cake in the refrigerator.
What chocolate cake?! Who are you?
Lt. Disher
This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.
LRLovely Rita
Alleged knife fight. Alleged. I love that word.
The Lovely Rita has a point, amazingly enough. Any hotshot lawyer could explain away that entire notebook.
That's true but if you look at the picture, the big picture, I mean, it's plain as day! He's the guy.
LRLovely Rita
Wake up! [Scoots her chair over] You've got two people, living under the same roof. One of them wants the other one dead. Believe me, I know.
He didn't love her! I was there when the M.E. wheeled out the wife. All he cared about was the rug.
LRLovely Rita
You're cute.
LRLovely Rita
You ever unbutton that top button?
There is one problem with your theory: they never met. We checked their records - their bank records, their emails, their phone records. We talked to their friends - There is no connection between Rob Sherman and Dewey Jordan.
Look, I know I've seen them someplace.
I don't know. Just somewhere. It's driving me crazy.
Well, they lived in different worlds. [Hands them one file] Here's Dewey Jordan's rapsheet - 19 arrests, 12 convictions: bad checks, drugs; a couple of burglaries. [Hands over another file] And in sharp contrast, here is Mr. Sherman's jacket - one arrest - one in his entire life: driving with a suspended license.
[Randy tries to justify to Stottlemeyer his reasoning as to why he would like one of the dead bank robber's coupons]
Lt. Disher
Circle of life.
Lt. Disher
Yes, I know, but instead of a lion, it's me, and instead of a baby cub, it's a diet coke.
All right, Randy, I'll let you have the receipt, on one condition: you know what you just said about the lion and the baby cub and the diet coke? You don't ever repeat that as long as I am alive. Understood?
Randy is reciting the burned out car's VIN to the Captain so he can enter it into a database search]
Lt. Disher
First letter, "T" as in "tsunami".
Lt. Disher
Silent "T".
What? No. "T" as in "Tom". Just say "Tom".
Lt. Disher
What's the difference?
It doesn't... The "T" is silent.
Lt. Disher
It's not completely silent. "T-sunami".
All right. All right. Let's go.
Lt. Disher
Second letter, "P" as in...
Lt. Disher
No.
Too late. I typed it. "P".
Lt. Disher
Yeah, but the person reading the letters gets to say the word. That's how we do it.
Lt. Disher
Society. We live in a society.
Yes, we do, Randy! Meanwhile, the "P" has been sitting on my screen for ten minutes!
Lt. Disher
Fine. "P" for "Pam". No! "Panavision". "Tsunami", "Panavision", next letter, "L".
Lt. Disher
As in... No, we'll come back to that one.
No, we can't come back to it, Randy! [The phone rings; Stottlemeyer answers] Whoever this is, thank you very much for calling.
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are heading to a scene; Randy is wearing Captain America pajamas]
Should we take my car or your invisible plane?
Lt. Disher
That's Wonder Woman.
Well, maybe we can borrow it. Why don't you give her a call?
Lt. Disher
[Holding the Siblings of the Sun book] Monk, have you even read this thing?
[Dr Kroger enters to find Randy shirtless and singing the cult's song with Monk]
Randy? Randy? [Randy looks up, then leaves] Somebody keep an eye on Randy?
Monk · 667 quotes
