[Disher tries to question a Living Statue performer with no success]
Lt. DisherExcuse me. Lieutenant Disher, SFPD. You've got a pretty good view of the bank from here. We're investigating a robbery that took place earlier this morning. [The Living Statue doesn't hear him] Sir? [Pause] Sir, this is official police business. It will just take a minute. [Takes out his badge and flashes it] If you're not too busy. [Pause] Okay, I know you can hear me. Look, I just saw you blink. You blinked. [Randy tries to startle the performer in hope that he will react; the performer doesn't move a muscle] Oh I get it! [He waves a dollar bill in front of the performer, and then drops the bill into the performer's collection box] Normally, we don't pay for information! So, what time did you arrive at the park this morning, sir? [Still no response] OK, you know what, pal? I can get a crane here in 20 minutes, lift you up and drag you downtown.
[The Living Statue's alarm goes off, and he steps off his pedestal, indicating that it's his break time]
Living Statue; It's my break, man.
Lt. Disher
Well, thank you. That's more like it.
LSLiving Statue
[Groans] This is my job! I mean, how would you like it if I came to your office and [Screams and waves his hand in front of Randy's face] in your face, huh? [Yells in anger again] Was I here? Yes, I was here. I've been here all day. I'm here every morning. Even Sundays.
Lt. Disher
Good. Did you see anything unusual at around 9:00?
LSLiving Statue
Yeah. I, I saw a guy. About 5' 10", green hoodie. He was hanging out, pacin' around. Looked kinda nervous, and then, he went inside.
Lt. Disher
Good. Did you see his face?
LSLiving Statue
He had his hood up. Sorry.
Lt. Disher
Okay. Hood up. And then what happened?
LSLiving Statue
Oh, about 10 minutes later, the alarm went off. And I saw...
[His break alarm goes off, signalling the end of his break. He steps back up on his pedestal and freezes in place]
Lt. Disher
What? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? [No response. Disher laughs for a second] No...! (x7) Don't. Don't do that. [Pause] Hey, we're not done here. What did you see?
[Monk, Stottlemeyer, and Disher arrive at the second Julie Teeger crime scene in a cruiser]
Another Julie Teeger? That's impossible!
Capt. Stotlemeyer Very nearly. [They start walking towards the body]
But this one is totally different; it was an accident. She was a graduate student, she was on her bike, and some guy just hit her and kept on going.
But her name? Her name is definitely Julie Teeger, spelled the same?
Lt. Disher
You know, actually, these things happen all the time. I once took this course in statistics; there was this woman in Michigan. She won the lottery; the next day, she got bit by a shark.
And what does that prove?
Lt. Disher
I don't know. I ended up dropping the class.
[While Monk looks at the body, Stottlemeyer looks at the extensive damage Natalie has put on his new car, namely the smashed-in hood]
What the hell happened? It was only two miles.
I took a shortcut. I... cut across the creek.
There's no bridge across the creek!
There is no bridge across the creek.
There's no bridge across the creek.
Captain, I am sorry. I will pay for everything.
It's okay. It's insured. [Tries once more to get a smudge off the battered hood of the car]
Lt. Disher
Yeah, remember, sir, that you did say any parent would have done the same thing.
Uh-huh. I think I need to be alone.
Here. [She bangs the hood down, but it doesn't fit. She and Randy walk away to join Monk by the body]
Lt. Disher
What is it?
Her bike. She has the all the safety features - flashers, two mirrors. She was obviously very careful.
So what was she doing on the wrong side of the road? [Monk pulls a flower petal wedged into the bike frame, and realizes that it comes from a bush in the grass a few feet away. Walking over, he finds a set of tire tracks]
Lt. Disher
Monk? Check this out. [Monk comes back]
Lt. Disher
It's a bruise. It's square.
It's from a trailer hitch. [To Natalie and Stottlemeyer] Captain, he chased her across the park. He hit her. And then he backed up to finish her off.
He ran her over. This was no random accident.
We've got two homicides, same name, on the same day.
Someone is killing Julie Teegers? [Natalie is now horrified]
I don't know. I don't know.... Okay. Maybe a hit man was paid to kill Julie Teeger, but he doesn't know what she looks like.
And he's killing all of them? Monk, that doesn't track! The M.O.s are so different: the housewife was stabbed and the graduate student was run down.
Okay, okay, you're right, that doesn't make any sense... [Disher comes in]
Lt. Disher
Captain. Monk. I've got two ideas. Which do you want first?
The one that will make me less pissed off. [Randy sets a file down on the desk]
Lt. Disher
Theory A. I remember this old case - Matthew Teeger, 35 years old. The guy's been committed twice for acute schizophrenia and delusions.
Lt. Disher
Yeah, assault. Three years ago he attacked his stepfather. He said he was defending his mother. Apparently he's obsessed with her. Guess what her name is? [Stottlemeyer lifts up the page in question]
A history of violence and a mother obsession.
I like it, too. Let's talk to this guy.
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher leave the squad room]
[To Randy] What about your other idea? You said you had two?
Lt. Disher
Oh, yeah... well, it's a just a theory, just brainstorming.
[Glances at the DVD in Randy's hand] The Terminator? What, you think he might be a robot assassin sent from the future?
Lt. Disher
Well, he was killing women with the same name. Forget it.
[Imitates Schwarzenegger] "Sarah Connor, come with me if you want to live."
Lt. Disher
Uh, that was T-2.
Well, maybe we could lure him to a smelting plant on the outskirts of town. [They get on the elevator]
Lt. Disher
Can I have that back, please?
[Still imitating] "And things of this nature..".
[Randy has been disguised as Matthew Teeger's mother as part of a sting operation, with Monk, Stottlemeyer and a technician handling the operation from the back of a van]
PTPolice Technician
Tape is rolling. [Sneezes] Could you hand me a Kleenex? [Monk hands him one]
Kills 99.9% of all cold and flu viruses. Only 99.9. [A scratching noise is emitted over the wire]
Randy, what are you doing?
[Cuts to upstairs, where Randy, dressed in drag and a gray wig and sitting in a rocking chair, is adjusting his bra]
Lt. Disher
My bra's itching. How do they walk around in this stuff?
PTPolice Technician
This is a new low.
Actually, it's not a new low. That's the sad part.
Lt. Disher
[Through his wire] He's never gonna buy this.
Dr. Kroger thinks he will. Matthew Teeger has suffered a pure psychotic break, he's in complete denial. His mother never died, not to him.
The important thing is that we keep him talking.
Lt. Disher
What if he has a knife?
He's right. We need a code, a phrase, in case he's in trouble.
Lt. Disher
Uh, how about, "Mother of God, he has a knife!"?
No it has to be covert. It has to sound conversational, sound natural.
How about this: "I wish there were ten of them."
Well, you see, Monk. I don't think anyone would say that.
Lt. Disher
I've heard people say that.
Look, here's the phrase: "Better late than never".
Lt. Disher
[Accidentally knocks over some junk, thinking it's a booby trap] BOOBY TRAP!
Randy! RANDY! It's not a booby trap! It's a spider's web.
BWBennie Wentworth
What's going on? Did you break this [bike]?
Lt. Disher
Sorry.
BWBennie Wentworth
You break it, you bought it. That's the rule.
It's a junkyard. How do you know if something's broken?
BWBennie Wentworth
I know. I can tell. Look. [Picks up bicycle] This wheel is all bent! $40 bucks!
Lt. Disher
$40 bucks. No way.
[To Bennie] Mr. Wentworth, this is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They're helping us out. I was wondering, could you go over the whole thing again, please?
BWBennie Wentworth
Go over what? The guy was on my property, he tried to rip me off. He got what was coming to him, end of story. [Back to Randy] I tell you what. Give me $20 bucks, we'll forget about the whole thing.
Lt. Disher
I'm not paying for it!
What was he doing here? Mr. Wentworth, what do you think he was after?
BWBennie Wentworth
I don't know. Maybe he needed a carburetor. People need carburetors.
He was wearing a $2,000 suit. And those are Italian shoes. I think he could afford a carburetor.
BWBennie Wentworth
Maybe he stole the suit. That's possible, isn't it? Maybe he stole the shoes! Maybe he's on a spree.
The suit, the shoes, the carburetor. What kind of spree is that?
BWBennie Wentworth
I don't know. An eclectic spree?
BWBennie Wentworth
None that I can think of, except for this guy the bicycle thief [Points at Randy accusingly, then makes another attempt at reasoning with Randy]
Randy, give him five bucks.
Lt. Disher
Fine. [Takes out his wallet and hands Bennie Wentworth five bucks]
I wonder what happened to his partner.
It's a dirt road out there. Very little dust on his shoes. Somebody must have dropped him off. Maybe they took off when they heard the gunshot.
[To Randy] Secure the road. Tell the crime scene techs to check for tire tracks. [Randy starts to walk away] Randy! Your bike! [Randy reluctantly picks up the broken bike and carries it with him].
[Natalie is carrying Monk's ugly portrait of her and about to throw it onto the burning pile of canvases]
Lt. Disher
Natalie, what are you doing? Hey, HEY! What are you doing? [He wrestles Monk's ugly portrait from Natalie]
Randy, let go! Come on, let me burn it!
Lt. Disher
[Holds up his hand] It's evidence! Secret Service are on their way. It's the only painting we have left. It's going to be Exhibit A.
Lt. Disher
Yeah! It's big news, Natalie! It's going to be one of the most famous paintings in the world!
You're right. You're right, I'm sorry.
[Natalie puts her hands over her eyes to give herself "fresh eyes" to look at the painting. She turns away, and suddenly, she turns and runs back and tries to wrestle the painting from Randy once more]
Lt. Disher
[Grabs Natalie, and turns to the other cops] Grab that painting!
[Shrieking] OWWW! BURN IT!
[Makes a smoothie with a power drill. She puts lots of random items that one would not normally put into a smoothie into the blender. Then, under the excuse that her blender broke, she uses the power drill to blend together the ingredients. When completed, the result is a very repulsive looking liquid. She takes a sip] Just what I needed.
Lt. Disher
[Notices oil in the liquid] Is that oil?
That is oil. It's uh, it's from the ground so it's organic, and it just... lubricates your organs. [Puts down the glass and picks up the drill] Um, I'll just be washing up. I'll be right back. You can have it.
[She leaves. The sound of the shower comes from the bathroom, to cover up the sound of her drilling Monk's handcuffs off]
Quiet! He's still in the kitchen. [Takes the uniform out of the bag] It's Mitch's uniform. It's all that I had.
Oh no. I can't wear that.
Mr. Monk, he'd want you to.
You were wearing a hobo's trench coat!
Okay. [He prepares to put on the uniform]
[Gives Monk a wad of money] Here. Money.
It's a week's paycheck! I was supposed to get a 5% increase in January...
Okay, okay, okay. We'll talk about that later. [Natalie hands Monk several wads of Kleenex]
Here's some Kleenex. They're anti-viral. It's a sick world out there.
Lt. Disher
[Practicing his funeral song for Stottlemeyer] "Why? [strings a few chords] Tell me why... did a good man have to die? / Shot down.... in his prime... 48...49..." [Stottlemeyer, by this point annoyed at the fact that the song has 15 verses and does not appear to be ending anytime soon, cuts him off]
Randy, he's not dead! [Randy stops] We faked it. Monk jumped off the pier. [Mimics splashing] He was wearing a bulletproof vest.
Lt. Disher
He's alive? He's alive.
Yep, he's in hiding, until we figure out what the hell's going on.
Lt. Disher
I can't believe it!
Lt. Disher
Yeah, I'm thrilled. Yeah, yeah, I just...
Lt. Disher
Th-this is the best song I ever wrote.
Well, save it. It's a great song. He's gonna die one day.
Lt. Disher
Oh, yeah. You're not gonna shoot him?
[On the phone] Kevin, it's a restraining order! You issue 30 of them a day! No he hasn't hit her! [Pause] Yes, she's still in the house. [Pause] Because Adrian Monk told me, that's how I'm sure. [Pause] Fine, good. You sleep on it! Slams the phone down]
[To the detective in the room] Look, forget about him. Just get a cruiser out there. Park it out front until further notice.
What? You can't arrest him for anything?
Well apparently there's no law against giving your wife the willies. [Disher walks in]
Lt. Disher
Captain, we just got a call.
Lt. Disher
You'd better put down the cup.
Just tell me who called, Randy.
Lt. Disher
Just put the cup down or finish it or drink half of it.
Lt. Disher
Because you're probably gonna drop it and I'll have to clean it up... Just have a sip. How 'bout a sip? [Stottlemeyer puts his coffee cup down on the desk, and Natalie sits down in one of Stottlemeyer's chairs] Linda Kloster's dead. Her housekeeper just found her. [Stottlemeyer promptly throws his coffee cup at the window, shattering it]
Lt. Disher
I don't know. [Monk starts to head towards the door]
Let's go! We've gotta get over there!
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at the crime scene]
FFirst Detective
Hey, the cavalry is here.
Can I have the room, please?
You heard the man. He wants the room. [The cops and detectives file out of Linda Kloster's bedroom, leaving the four alone] Thank you very much. [Monk looks around, examining the body. Natalie walks over to him]
You can't blame yourself.
Yes I can. [He stops after looking around for what seem like a few more minutes. He is baffled] What did the paramedics say?
Lt. Disher
Probable heart attack.
He killed her. He said he would kill her... and he did it.
Lt. Disher
Okay. There was no alarm. No one in the house; just the housekeeper and the cook. No signs of trauma or suffocation.
[Crouching by the body] Poison.
Lt. Disher
No, the housekeeper said she hadn't eaten all day: breakfast, lunch...
I don't know. [He turns, semi-addressing the body] I don't know.
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher question Patrick Kloster at the airport security office]
LDLt. Disher
According to the Vancouver police, they interrupted the match at 1:21 PM to inform you that your wife had died?
PKPatrick Kloster
That's right.
LDLt. Disher
And they said you kept playing, that you finished the match?
PKPatrick Kloster
Of course I did. That's what Linda would have wanted.
It's funny. I would have been too upset to concentrate.
PKPatrick Kloster
I was upset, Captain. That's why it took me 44 moves to win.
Your wife came to see me this morning, Mr. Kloster.
PKPatrick Kloster
Did she?
She told me that you'd been planning to kill her.
PKPatrick Kloster
My wife was an unstable woman.
She didn't seem unstable.
PKPatrick Kloster
I'm sure she was. [Turning to Stottlemeyer and Disher] What did the medical examiner say?
Yeah, she didn't look sick to me.
PKPatrick Kloster
And what medical school did you attend, Miss Teeger? My wife suffered from high blood pressure, and for most of her life, she was an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. She was also quite depressed.
And there was a $10 million life insurance policy.
PKPatrick Kloster
Well the policy was Linda's idea. I'm insured for the same amount.
What do you know about poison, Mr. Kloster?
PKPatrick Kloster
Not much. More than you, but not much. Although I am an expert on the Poison Pawn.
[Starts to write in his notebook] "Poison pawn..."
PKPatrick Kloster
Uh, that is a chess move, Lt. Disher. I'd be happy to teach it to you.
[Stottlemeyer notices Randy writing something down in his notebook]
What's that? [Randy shows the page to him] "It looks like her number came up."
Lt. Disher
It's a zinger. She's a lotto girl, her number came up. Get it?
Lt. Disher
You last year? Sergeant Beecham shoved that junkie into a lamppost and he said "I'll keep you posted?"
Lt. Disher
Everybody heard about it. People were repeating it; it was famous. This is even better. This is a classic.
Lt. Disher
Yeah I just need to pick the right moment.
MEMedical Examiner
[Approaching] Captain, if you're ready to release the body, I can take her downtown.
Okay. [Starts to sign the paperwork]
MEMedical Examiner
I still don't get it. Who would want to kill the lotto girl?
KOfficer Kelton
I guess her number came up!
[Randy throws his notebook at him]
KOfficer Kelton
Hey! What are you doing?
Lt. Disher
What are you doing? That was my line, man.
KOfficer Kelton
What are you talking about?
Lt. Disher I just said the same thing two seconds ago! Ask the Captain!
Randy, this is a crime scene. [Randy steps over Marissa Kessler's body to confront Kelton]
Lt. Disher
You know what, he must have heard me! That's okay, look, it's written in my notebook: "It looks like her number came up." Let's see your notebook!
KOfficer Kelton
Look, I didn't write it down. I just thought of it.
Lt. Disher
[In disbelief] Whoa-whoa-whoa! Can you believe this guy? You know, I'm gonna have your badge, Officer...
[Stottlemeyer grabs him and drags him away]
Come on, Shecky, let's walk it off.
[Natalie prepares for her first lottery drawing]
BLBilly Logan
Excuse me, new girl. New girl, you're off your mark.
BLBilly Logan
Yeah, the big X on the floor. Look where I'm pointing.
SMStage Manager
90 seconds!
90 seconds? Wait-wait, I never got a script! Excuse me, I never got a script!
BLBilly Logan
There is no script. This is the lottery. For the love of God, if there was a script, we'd all be rich. [To himself] Amateurs... [walks away]
[Stan Lawrence approaches Stottlemeyer and Disher]
SLStan Lawrence
Captain, Lieutenant. How's the investigation going?
Well, we're just getting started. We've spoken to the staff, the camera crew; everybody said they left the building after the show.
SLStan Lawrence
They usually do.
Well somebody was here. The girl didn't stab herself.
SLStan Lawrence
You wanted to know if Marissa received any fan mail. Some of them are very dicey, you know, personal. I put those on top.
BLBilly Logan
I need quiet everybody! New girl, you're on, in 5, 4, 3, 2.... [The theme music starts up]
Good evening, people. Welcome to the Big Gold Rush Pick 6. I'm Natalie Teeger. Are you ready to play? [Pause, then Monk gives her a gesture that implies; "get-on-with-it" ] Then let's play, the lottery! And the first number is... [long pause. Billy Logan gestures to the button on the drum]
BLBilly Logan
[Whispering] Turn it on. [Pause] Turn it on! [Natalie leans over, and presses the power button. She jumps, startled]
My god! [The numbers are drawn] And the first number is.... 25. My mother's birthday. The next number.... 52. 52... cards in a deck. The next number.... 7. The Seven Dwarves.
[Tears up some fan mail] Seven dwarves.
[Draws the number 32] The next number.... 32. 32 teeth. [Clicks her teeth and draws the number 10] 10. My boss's absolute favorite number.
Apparently not everybody's favorite. [The number 17 gets drawn] And the final number is 17, my daughter's age. [Little wave] Hi Julie! [Pause] Once again the winning numbers for today are 25, 52, 7, 32, 10, and 17. So, that's it for now! Keep playing lotto. [Pauses] You'll thank me later! [The music stops]
"You'll thank me later?" That's my line! I say that!
Lt. Disher
It hurts, doesn't it?
[Tearing up some fan mail] You know, I might as well flush twenty bucks down the toilet once a week.
RRRay "The Machine" Regis
Adrian Monk, the detective? He's supposed to be the best.
Lt. Disher
The best of the best. Kind of like a superhero.
[Chuckles] He's good, but I wouldn't call him a superhero.
[Monk enters, wearing his purple jogging suit and headband, and stands with his fists on his hips]
I guess I stand corrected.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive to question Frankie Marino, head of the Marino crime family]
We're looking for Charles Bach.
Lt. Disher
The Iceman? He's been on your payroll for ten years?
FMFrankie Marino
Are you wearing a wire, Lieutenant?
Lt. Disher
No. [To prove that he isn't, he opens his shirt and jacket, then drops his pants]
FMFrankie Marino
[To Stottlemeyer] What about you?
FMFrankie Marino
Okay, let's talk.
Lt. Disher
Why did I just get undressed?
I don't know, Randy, everyone in this room is wondering the same thing.
Monk · 667 quotes
